Naughty Mittens

Murder Loves Killers Too (2009)
Directed by Drew Barnhardt, Screenplay by Drew Barnhardt

TITLE CARD:SOME YEARS AGO
Narrator: The friends lived in such a way as to defy boredom, refusing all proposals of responsibility and swimming upon the high tide of youth. The free spirits approached with a thousand anticipations of all the wonders their days would bring. Sadly, it was not to be as fate did not intend that they should enjoy their times for very long. Nevertheless, they were resilient in their determination to enjoy themselves with an enthusiasm unrivalled. They practiced the science of every kind of misconduct and professors of that science were always made welcome. They made good on innumerable occasions to improve their intimacy with a blind partiality, as a bird sings or a rose blows from nature. Let it suffice to say that they were poised to enjoy their summer escape, free of care, at the idyllic mountainside retreat...and, no doubt, they would have had they not all been brutally murdered, one by one.

I had a feeling this film was going to be different from the run of the mill spring break cabin slaughter movie when the nonsensical British narrator started up with a Wind in the Willows style narration as a van full of kids drives along a curve in the mountains. It looks like a jeep filled with a drunk version of the Scooby Doo gang is going by. Then, when the above narration is complete we get a subtitle that reads "NOW" and a more contemporary looking bunch of college kids headed to a cabin. Why did we have that opening? I have no idea...and I love that. In the car we meet our victims, the thrill seekers Brian (Scott Nadler) and Tamra (Mary LeGault), the spaz Lindy (Kat Szumski), the voice of reason girl Aggie (Christine Haeberman) and the other guy Kyle (John Jenkinson). Their first mistake is driving up to the mountains in an old Chevy Nova and pushing the car to its limits, which unfortunately for them were reached sometime in 1975. But at least we have good tunes because this is where we get to hear the song "Let's Traumatize Aunt Debra" which sounds like a Man Man song and is one of the original musical highlights that makes this film so much more enjoyable. I must also add that the opening theme has a Tales from the Crypt-like charm to it that I quite enjoyed.
One of the unexpected charms of this film is the the nonchalance of the killer. The annoying young folk have been in the cabin for all of a minute before one of them (Lindy, who was already clearly high on mushrooms and rotten weasel meat back in the car) stands too close to the drapes by the sliding door and is just grabbed and taken away while everyone else is still exploring the vacation house. There's no blood, no screaming, not even much in the way of suspense. One minute Aggie was talking to her and the next she's gone--presumably out for a run in the woods.
It takes us more than half the film before we get the name of the killer, Stevie (Allen Andrews) and almost as long before we even get a word out of him.
Unlike a piece of torture porn we aren't treated to scenes of Lindy being tortured and killed. In fact, all we see of her ever again is when Kyle is caught by Stevie and hung up and eviscerated we notice that Lindy is being stored in the same storage room having already been done away with. Though we do hear her being killed offstage while her oblivious friends shrug off the sound. Kyle's capture is even more nonchalant as he goes out for a run and sees an open door and when he looks in he sees Stevie standing there in a bathrobe sipping from a coffee mug and before anyone can say anything Stevie knocks Kyle upside the head and drags him into the storage room. There's nothing like seeing a horror movie killer calmly enjoying a break from his "job." It was like that old cartoon with the sheep dog and the wolf who clock in and out at the same place and then attempt to kill each other until 5pm. Stevie is the kind of serial killer who clearly enjoys what he's doing without having to work at it every moment of his life. You just can't imagine Jason Vorhees having a sandwich or Freddy Krueger enjoying a cup of coffee or Michael Myers taking a dump and that is clearly a failure of imagination that Drew Barnhardt solves in this film with Stevie who, we find out has a very real suburban life that he goes back to after his periodic murder sprees. In fact, he pretty much pretends to go on business trips when all he does is drive out to the cabin and kill people.
At any rate, while Unlucky Lindy is spared onscreen grotesqueries Kyle has no such luck. Kyle is hung up with a meathook in the back and is stabbed and has his intestines (well, just one intestine) pulled out. Meanwhile his friends are in the living room having a drinking montage which gives us another shot at original music, in this case a party song ("Let's Hole") with the chorus "Booty loose, booty troubles, booty juice, booty bubbles." The drinking/party montage takes us to sundown and gives Stevie a chance to catch his breath and prepare for the evening takedown. Also, Stevie is a bit of a clean freak so he cleans up the bottles and glasses in the kitchen area while he waits for his next chance to kill. It's nice to see a murderer with a work ethic and who values tidiness. He is, of course, also clearly deranged as evidenced by the "Happy Birthday big Stevie!" cake he puts on the table and the party hat he puts on the unconscious Brian before proceeding to stab him and then (as if multiple bloody stab wounds weren't enough) snap his neck. And Stevie's tidiness does not extend to keeping the cake from getting spurted with blood. Hey, at least Brian got one last chance to fool around with Tamra on the pool table upstairs before being ceremoniously offed by a psycho. And at least he doesn't get what Tamra gets, which is a flying knife that goes straight into her open mouth. Freudians, start your engines!
Now it's just down to Aggie vs. Stevie and at least Aggie is aware now that there is a problem. Knowing really is half the battle in this case. There is a long sequence as Stevie tries to hunt down Aggie while she does what she can to escape or hide or both. Stevie gets the drop on her and finally we get to hear him speak as he delivers a monologue to her while she's tied up in a bed and he proceeds to explain his issues calmly in what has to be one of the most egregiously awesome cases of monologuing in any kind of film ever:
God, I'm so sorry about this. Yeah, let me explain. The fact of the matter is...I'm sorry, bear with me...I'm flying by the seat of my pants here. I wasn't gonna say anything, but, if you're gonna get wet you might as well go swimming. Truth be told, the way this is gonna break down is I have a sexual problem and I'm gonna need your help.
Yeah, I know that's not exactly what you wanna hear, but it's important to me, nonetheless. Yeah, I know, you've pretty much got a situation on your hands, but, be that as it may, if we can collaborate in a productive manner I don't see any reason why we can't get through this together, re-energized even. I've been doing some work around the house with your friends and I must say I've not been able to open up a line of communication with any of them. But, far be it from me to muddy the waters, when in all likelihood you'll get the spirit of this thing right away and run with it. Thankfully, I had a few moments to sit and collect my thoughts and I wrote down all my feelings about you in a letter.
My Beautiful Flower,
Watching you grow has been the greatest joy of my life. You inspire me at every turn. You allow my imagination to run wild with new possibility. That you have come into my life is proof of a greater power. That power is love and it is alive in all of us. I don't know what I would do if I ever discovered that you have been untrue. I want you to know that we will be together for the rest of your life and whenever you feel vulnerable or afraid I will be there.
Okay, are you ready to jump in? Hit the ground running, as it were? Are you comfortable? There you go. Now, I want you to know that from here on out if you feel it necessary to address me, I'm going to have to insist that you call me "Dad." We're going to have to go over these lessons later. But for now, I have some concerns that must take precedence and we're going to have to focus on my issues for the time being, okay?
You know what? I'm going to call an audible here. Sorry to throw you a curveball like this, but whenever I get an idea I like to realize it to its full potential. I call it "The Hippo." It's important to leave a window open for when these things pop up. So, what I'd like to do is untie your hands from behind you and then tie them in front so that you can put your arms around me like an embrace and then we'll go from there. But, I'm not going to do this unless we're on the same page. Do you agree to these terms? Are you with me? Okay, now I needn't remind you that screaming is a bad idea. It doesn't mesh with the way I like to do things and it just makes things take a lot longer. And I hasten to add that what I do require is a certain amount of concentration on my part. Naturally, I have a process and I like things just so. I mean, I wouldn't come into your house and repaint the whole place. Are you okay? I'm afraid it has to be okay. Oh yes, this is very good for me. You know what? I know a way to make this even better. I want you to know that I want you to keep things natural I think you notice to the extent that---
At this point Aggie manages to get off a quick kick and struggle her way out of the cabin but she can't seem to get into a car quickly enough so she makes her way into the woods where Stevie catches her and then proceeds to dump her in the truck of his car and goes home to his suburban life. When Stevie gets home his wife, Stella (Kathryn Playa) who is wearing the same kind of white shift that Stevie had put on Aggie (and on Lindy for that matter), greets him, surprised that he has come home early from his "convention." While she sends him into the kitchen for some leftovers she hustles her lover out of her bedroom in what now seems to be turning into a French farce. Gee, Stevie, maybe if you weren't a psychopath obsessed with your own daughter then Stella (Stella!) wouldn't be cheating on you. In the morning we get a scene of domestic banality and quiet desperation. The daughter Missy (Kelly Devoto) failed a math test and is defiant of her mother's authority, Stella wants to have a talk with Stevie about something important, and Stevie wants something more substantial for breakfast but isn't allowed because of his cholesterol. Stevie puts off Stella's talk and heads to the driveway where Aggie jumps out of the trunk of the car and proceeds to viciously beat Stevie with a tire iron. And then she rips out his tongue with her bare hand and proceeds to shove it back into his mouth and hold his jaw shut while he chokes to death on his own blood and tongue. (Spoiler alert?) But it doesn't end there...it ends with Stella and Missy running out of the front door of the house to find the awkward scene of brutality in front of them. And cut to black...
I have to say that this is one of the most awesome endings of all time. And just to put the icing on the awkward cake we are treated to one last original song, "Naughty Mittens" which is one of the peppiest happiest tunes you could ever find.
It's rare to find a film that mixes in creepiness with humor without becoming too cutesy or simply devolving into parody. This is that rare case. It's worth watching for "Naughty Mittens" if for no other reason. It's fun just to say the words Naughty Mittens. I chuckle every time I think of the words Naughty Mittens.
The point is, that this film shows superior writing and makes the most of limited resources and knows how to add value to what they have with interesting choices and great music.

Bonus Features
1. The Making of Murder Loves Killers Too
The cops got called on them when they were filming in the cabin, but the cops found the whole thing hilarious and fascinating. Great look at the process.
2. Creating a Killer
A look into the approach to creating the character of Big Stevie.
3. Director's Notebook
"And, of course, you open with the Barry Lyndon style narration...which, I don't feel enough slashers have Barry Lyndon references and that's what you get from Murder Loves Killers Too." Drew Barnhardt
I really admire a writer/director who makes a horror film with a reference to Barry Lyndon. A crappy horror director, to be sure, would fall back on all kinds of cliched references to The Shining, but Barry Lyndon? Now, that's what I call an interesting choice.
4. Music to Murder By: Scoring Murder Loves Killers Too
Ryan Franks is a genius. That's all I can say.
5. Title Madness
Drew Barnhardt opens up a binder and reads a list of titles that were considered for this film before they arrived at the final title. I cannot do justice to this without commenting on the complete list of titles, but since reading them out takes nearly 14 minutes of time I'll have to save that for a separate post. Suffice it to say that if someone makes just one of these titles into a real movie it would be hilarious. I can't even pick just one favorite, but as an example I will use You're Dead as a Doornail, Debisue.
6. Artwork Gallery
It's not the Metropolitan Museum of Horror Movie Art.
7. Original Trailer
The trailer is way too conventional and creepy and doesn't hint at the weird juxtaposition of humor and horror here.