Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Be Afraid...Of Laughter

Don’t Be Scared (2006)
Directed by Master P, Co-Directed by Myke Diesel, Screenplay by Master P

I suppose we have to begin here by questioning the sanity of anyone who goes out and buys a horror movie directed by Master P, even if it costs less than 99 cents. Curiosity only goes so far as a defense, but I will say proudly that if it had been an adaptation of Edith Wharton's Ethan Frome written and directed by Master P, I would have exhibited a similar curiosity. And furthermore, if you aren't just a little bit curious about what a film of any kind written and directed by Master P is like then what ARE you curious about in this world? Now, that doesn't mean that you have to go out and watch this movie, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't at least be somewhat curious about it. Just go ahead and admit that you're a little curious, because life is better when you're curious about things. Now, there may not be any undiscovered continents to explore, but here is something that is left to be explored and so here I stand before you, a man who has been to the undiscovered country of Don't Be Scared and can safely tell you all about it so you don't have to put on a pith helmet and watch it for yourself.

The biggest shock of the film for me was when I popped the DVD into my player and (as I often do with films of dubious merit or undue potential for making me want to poke my eyes out) checked the timer to see how long it was. The counter said 45 minutes. The back cover of the case said it was 75 minutes long. I actually found myself wondering if I had a defective copy, one which had been purged of 30 minutes of precious storytelling. I thought about this long enough to break out into hysterical uncontrollable laughter, a sheer childish joy that sent me reeling onto the ground and unable to breathe. It was a laughter of pure absurdity and it made me happy. At that moment I knew that I had purchased one moment of genuine good cheer for something along the lines of 78 cents. I could just chuck the disc out into my backyard for the raccoons to play with and I had gotten more happiness out of it than some people get in their whole miserable grasping lives. There are coked up filmmakers in Beverly Hills (probably with a hand in distributing films crappier than this) who don't know the kind of joy I had laughing at the missing 30 minutes.
I know that a part of me must have felt like calling Master P a cheat for delivering a half-finished movie to me, but that thought only made me laugh harder. I again had trouble breathing and had to take a few minutes to catch my breath from the laughter. And all I could think to say to myself was "Master P, you magnificent bastard!"
From this point on I knew that no matter how bad this film was, it was already almost over. (If you try the same trick while watching Last Year at Marienbad you usually have another hour and a half left to go.)

Needless to say, this 45 minute "film" was clearly missing something in the middle. You could tell there was a large chunk of action and exposition in the middle that had either been excised or never created. The same was true of the beginning and the end. The plot (yes, there was one) revolved around the death of a black student, Julius Curse (Joseph Williamson) at a Halloween party in an apartment. One of the girls had invited him to the party but the white boys didn't like his presence so they killed him and then buried him in the yard. Then we skip ahead several years later to another Halloween party (which looks suspiciously like the first party) at the same apartment. And now another black guy (this one played by Master P) is invited by a girl. In a way, you could say that this is the Last Year at Marienbad of Master P horror movies. Meanwhile in another room in the apartment a group of kids is playing around with calling up spirits and they unwittingly call up the spirit of Julius Curse (only after they accidentally call up Michael Jackson, who the kids find more frightening than Julius.) Try not to get too attached to the plot, it won't be with us for long.

Now, you might expect there to be a wide swath of exploitation to pepper this 45 minute vaganza (the "extra" was lost along with the other 30 minutes), and there certainly are a lot of attractive people at the party, but the end result is surprisingly light on the exploitation, even the obligatory shower scene (you didn't think that would get cut, did you?) features a woman with masking tape covering her nipples, but maybe that's a character choice. The fact that half a dozen people can disappear and be murdered in a 3 room apartment shows just how rockin' a party it must be. So, yeah, Julius gets his revenge on the people who killed him and their girlfriends, too, the cops show up to investigate the room full of corpses and the "film" comes to an abrupt end. It's like an expressionist drunk dial of a horror movie. To call this result rudimentary is to redefine rudiments. Rudiments should be made of sterner stuff. I haven't even mentioned that at least half of the dialogue in the party scenes can't be heard over the soundtrack. Dammit, Master P, what are you trying to pull here? I can't really hate Don't Be Scared, because there isn't enough of it to hate. And the whole racist murder angle gives it a kernel of something to hold on to. But still, I can't help feeling like this film is part of some long con and this is just the tip of the iceberg. Either that, or that they honestly forgot to edit in the other (better?) half of the film.
Master P, you magnificent bastard!

Bonus Features
1. Trailers
Don't Be Scared
HollyHood Cinema presents a trailer that is curiously enough not missing a half hour of material.
Repos
Okay, I know that a remake of Repo Men with Master P and Katt Williams is probably the last thing you'd want to see after watching (or even reading about) Don't Be Scared, but when the trailer voiceover says "A crackhead from Brooklyn gives it two thumbs up." and then there's a title that comes up on the screen reading "2 thums up" -- crack head, I have to admit that I started getting curious again. Master P, you magnificent bastard!
2. Music Video--"Shine" by Romeo
A shiny yellow sports car and a girl in a park with Romeo and several of his buddies. Also missing about 30 minutes of other material that I'm sure were cooler than what is left here.

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