Black Christmas (Unrated) (2006)
Directed by Glen Morgan, Screenplay by Glen Morgan
It's like someone looked at the things that made Black Christmas unique and decided to ditch them and make the same movie that everyone else was making only with two killers, some incest and a lot of eating of eyeballs. In the original film the killer identifies himself as Billy and he calls out to someone he calls Agnes. This film starts with Billy escaping a mental institution around Christmas to go back to his home (which is now a sorority house) where he will have a reunion with his she-male sister Agnes.
Now, at no time is Agnes identified as being ambiguously gendered it's just that the adult Agnes is played by a man in drag whereas the flashbacks to younger Agnes she is a not particularly mannish girl. So, either she grew up real ugly or she had some sort of other issues along the way. (Other than having an eye punched out by her brother Billy because he was jealous of her.) Also, Billy has a medical condition that makes his skin yellow, but not nearly as yellow as Nick Stahl in Sin City so it's not even that interesting as a condition goes. As long as we're on the flashback backstory, Billy's mother and father hate each other, so Billy's mother and her lover kill Billy's father and bury him in the basement and then they lock Billy up in the attic so he can't tell anyone and so they don't have to see his yellow skin. Billy's mother tries to get pregnant with her lover, but the guy can't make it happen so she heads up into the attic and rapes her son, the aforementioned yellow-skinned Billy. Hence, Agnes. So you might say that Agnes, being a product of incest would obviously turn out to be screwed up, but it takes 8 years for Billy to bust out of the attic (seriously? 8 years?) and rip out Agnes's eye and kill his mother and her lover and then bake Christmas cookies with his mother's flesh. (Note to Billy: They're not really cookies, so much as cookie-shaped meat-treats.) So, the cops take Billy and imprison him in the mental asylum, which he escapes after killing a man in a Santa Claus outfit and escaping dressed as crazy Santa on Christmas Eve 2006.
Billy's old house is the Delta Alpha Kappa sorority house, or as we will call it from now on, the Sorority House of Atreus. The preceding description of the backstory is a good example of what happens when you decide to kill all the mystery and make the unknowable known. Granted, it does take a great number of flashbacks layered into the film to get the whole shabby tale of murder, adultery, incest and eye-eating, but did we need to know all of that? Did we need the whole of Greek tragedy layered into the backstory of a psycho killer in a sorority house? Wouldn't it be more interesting if Billy was just some guy who works at Whataburger who goes on a killing spree? Isn't it better to leave some damn thing to the imagination? Well, if you believe the answer to that last question is no, then Black X-mas is your film.
I'm not saying that this was a terrible film at all. It has its moments. But it is a disappointing film, especially when seen right after the original Black Christmas.
Black X-mas is horrifying and disgusting and suspenseful but it isn't really scary and it sure isn't bleak like the original film. Pretty much what you get here is double the killers and double the sorority girls getting killed. Now, while the former means you get a she-male and a slightly jaundiced nutwagon, the latter means you get an all-star cast whose actual acting talents are made better use of by an episode of House than in the 95 minutes of this film. (I'm looking at you, Michelle Trachtenberg.)
The sorority girls are killed off at a regular pace in rather unceremonious (if gruesome) ways. The first victim is poor Clair Crosby (Leela Savasta who would go on to be in BSG) who gets stabbed in the eye with a fountain pen. Next to die is Megan Helms (Jessica Harmon, who like Leela Savasta would go on to have a recurring role on BSG) who gets a bag on the head and her eyes (always with the eyes) pulled out. Now, Megan had a sex tape of herself and her ex-boyfriend Kyle (Oliver Hudson). Kyle's current girlfriend is Kelli. (Katie Cassidy). (The only way this could be better would be if Kyle and Kelli turned out to be brother and sister and that Kyle is actually a she-male.) Here's a spoiler for you: Kelli survives, presumably as a consolation for losing her boyfriend and her entire sorority in the worst Christmas ever. I should mention that one of the draws of this film is that this is a much better stocked sorority than the one in the original Black Christmas, which was kind of sparse. Here we have Mary Elizabeth Winstead, the aforementioned Michelle Trachtenberg, Lacey Chabert (who deserves so much better than being killed with a rake), and Crystal Lowe, who at least gets slightly further down the line than she did when she was prematurely killed by Lorenzo Lamas in Blood Angels. Lowe does the obligatory shower scene but is only killed later in her bed with a crystal unicorn. The sorority girls (who all die) are watched over by Ms. Mac who is played by Andrea Martin (back for another Black Christmas). Martin's Mac is a little more with-it than the Mac in the older film, but she is nonetheless just as dead. Clair's sister Leigh (Kristen Cloke) shows up and makes it all the way to the inevitable hospital scene but that's where Agnes shows up and snaps her neck. Kelli, though, manages to fry Agnes and then push Billy into falling and impaling himself on a Christmas tree.
So, what to make of this? Well, if you can survive two psychos then you're still living in a more hopeful world than in the original Black Christmas. I really don't want to pile on Glen Morgan because I was a big fan of his short-lived show Space: Above and Beyond, but I have to wonder what the point of this sorority slaughter with the overly determined backstory really is. I'm not saying that this is a poorly made horror film, because it's actually pretty slickly put together with good acting, decent suspense and obscenely grotesque special effects violence. I know I probably wouldn't have appreciated a shot for shot remake of the original Black Christmas, so what's the problem with slapping a more conventional ending to this film? I think it once again says a lot about a perceived unwillingness of our present day culture to deal with the harsh possibilities out there. A film like Black X-Mas is an exercise in optimism--whatever mysteries are lurking in the sorority house of the world, we can learn them and know them--and whatever psycho killer is out there with his she-male inbred sister/daughter stalking us and threatening to eat our eyes out we can survive it if we are strong enough and keep our wits about us and if we have enough friends to provide cannon fodder for the slashers. So maybe this remake is a perfect bookend for anyone who was genuinely freaked out by the dark ending of the original. The price you pay for the comfort of knowing that even Billy and Agnes can be survived is a bunch of gruesome special effects and there's something about that which while disconcerting and disgusting is never quite that disturbing once you've been behind the scenes to see how it's done.
At any rate, this film does retain some degree of thoughtfulness compared to other films in the subgenre and it does delve into the idea of families and relationships and it has a really great ensemble. The parts that are least interesting are the places that veer into the classic slasher pattern which leaves one survivor as our protagonist.
Special Features
1. What Have You Done?
Bob Clark is shown on the set of the remake.
"What was said to us is that you either make horror films or porno films..." Bob Clark
You may not have noticed the leg lamp from A Christmas Story in the sorority house before but it's shown here.
Glen Morgan noted the Midnight Q&A of the original film and how he was surprised that Bob Clark didn't have the backstory of Billy and Agnes thought out. Clark, though, says that he did have a backstory, but that he has no intention of revealing it.
For a promotional video this is pretty revealing and as with other horror films I have to say that getting to see the behind-the-scenes footage is always reassuring.
2. May All Your Christmases Be Black: A Filmmaker's Journey
Glen Morgan's insight into slasher films, horror and filmmaking in general. Worth seeing this, especially since everyone involved has some cynical things to say about audiences and Hollywood films, and I have to say that I came out of this respecting Glen Morgan and the folks making this film. And at least we get the reason why Agnes is played by a guy.
3. Deleted Scenes
1. Someone In The Attic
I must admit that this scene on its own makes for a pretty creepy little short film.
2. Christmas Ringtones
"Doesn't your phone do anything?"
"It validates me."
Alright, I kind of wish this scene had been in the film. It gives the girls some more character. I would have traded this bit in exchange for the subsequent change of pacing.
3. Gift Exchange
Lacey Chabert's secret Santa gave her a giant dildo that is about 1/3 the size of her body. Now that's the Christmas spirit!
4. The Girls Discuss Kyle and Eve
This bit might have been nice in terms of clarifying suspicions. I swear, some filmmakers are so convinced that pacing is king that they forget that a fast paced story that doesn't tell a story isn't much of a story at all.
5. Extended Version--Phone Call From Dana
Another bit that helps explain what's going on. I have to say, if you're going to make a film that is so bent on explaining everything every step of the way I don't see why you would cut any of this stuff out.
6. International Version--Melissa Killed In the Hallway
You'd think the "unrated" version of any film would be the most disgusting one, but in this case I'll have to give the points to this scene. Melissa (Michelle Trachtenberg) is caught by Agnes, who throws a plastic bag on her head, hurls her to the ground and then pops out her eyeball through the bag and eats it and then drags her out of the scene using her empty eye sockets as finger-holes. While the scene in the film itself is more visibly violent, this one is much more gruesome and vicious and the fact that this is what the International audience got is at least somewhat reassuring as to how screwed up Americans are in relation to the rest of the world.
7. Alternate Version--Lauren's Death
This is a slower stalking scene compared to the shock scene in the film. It's another scene that would do well as a short film.
4. Alternate Endings
Alternate endings bug the crap out of me because while it does imply a certain fluidity of storytelling possibilities it also indicates the notion that you don't really have a coherent story and are holding out options in case a room full of slackers and old people tell you they didn't like how your story ended and a conference table populated by cowards in suits is afraid that the people who saw your movie for free won't pay to see it again. "Hamlet has been through so much. Can't he find an antidote to the poison and survive?" The average test audience should be shown Cocoon: The Return and given a candy bar and then walked into an open pit and shot.
Alternate Ending #1
By far the creepiest ending, since it leaves Leigh and Kelli alive but getting a phone call from Kyle's cellphone which was last seen in the attic where Kyle died.
Sure, it's a continuing threat, but at least it's not immediate--which makes it almost as unsettling as the end of the original.
Alternate Ending #2
Agnes kills Leigh in Kelli's bed. Kelli kills Agnes with the defibrillator and her parents take her home. End of story. No return of the burned Billy to get impaled on the Christmas tree. A solid ending, though why not include a Billy resolution while you're at it.
Alternate Ending #3
Kelli is wheeled in to see Billy flatlining. Reassured, she and her family leave the hospital. The guy from the morgue shows up to take Billy's body away but it's already gone. We see his eye peeking from behind a vent in the wall.
For some reason these endings that leave Billy alive at the end, while continuing the threat actually seem less fitting for this story than the one that made the final cut. It seems to me that if you're going to include such an elaborate and backstory for Billy and Agnes then making them nigh invulnerable to fire and other forms of death is just a supernatural cheat for a story that is certainly not supernatural either here or in its original version.
5. Previews
1. The Truth An anti-tobacco ad with a bunch of people lying down on a street outside an office building as a visual indictment of the fact that "Tobacco Kills 1200 people a day." The problem with this is that it kills people who smoke. At this point, I can't blame corporations anymore for making a deadly product that everyone knows is a deadly product but that they love to use. If crystal meth was made by corporations and marketed with a cartoon camel I think at this point I would feel the same way. Sure, the corporations are evil for wanting to get people hooked so they can make a fast buck, but people are weak for getting hooked on something that does that kind of damage. The truth is that all corporations are designed to hustle money from people for as little as they can give back. (New iPhone 37.5 will be coming out shortly.)
2. Grindhouse
At least now I can remember why I was excited to see Grindhouse.
3. Vince Vaughan's Wild West Comedy Show
"This spring Vince Vaughan is coming to your town." God, I hope not.
4. Hannibal Rising
Is there nothing left that hasn't had a prequel made? Hannibal Rising, Hannibal Falling, Hannibal Hears a Hoo, Hannibal can suck it.
5. Pulse
Kristen Bell sees dead people in her computer and I just don't care.
6. Feast
A creature feature with Henry Rollins. It looks disgustingly hilarious.
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