Worse Santa

Bad Santa (2003)
Directed by Terry Zwigoff, Screenplay by Glenn Ficarra & John Requa

I’ve been to prison once, I’ve been married—twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for two and a half years for no reason. I’ve had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that’s never gonna heal. I’ve seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this. If I’d known I’d have to put up with a bunch of screaming brats pissing on my lap for thirty days out of the year I would have killed myself a long time ago. Come to think of it, I still might. Where I come from, we didn’t celebrate Christmas, not because we were Jewish, but because my dad was a worthless coward fucking asshole whose idea of a present was a daily punch to the back of the head. He did teach me how to crack a safe, though. My dad never did shit with his life, so he took it out on me. You could say I’m no different and I’d have to say you’re right, but at this point it’s too late to start over. Funny, how things work out. It’s fucking hilarious.

If there’s one thing that America loves, it’s an alcoholic man dressed as Santa Claus. If there’s a second thing that America loves it is strip clubs and thus Bad Santa delivers on both counts. If you think the alcoholic Santa Claus is a recent debasement of a beloved Christmas icon I can only refer you to one of my all time favorite Twilight Zone episodes “Night of the Meek” which features Art Carney as a drunk department store Santa who wishes that the kids in the slum where he lives could have just one moment of joy and then finds that his bag gives people the gift they most want and, of course he turns the corner and finds some reindeer and thus he gets the gift of giving. Bad Santa, in its own way, is at least as touching as that story in the redemption of the alcoholic Santa. Also, it has a scene in a strip club, so it’s a winner on both counts.

Now, there are multiple versions of Bad Santa floating around out there. First there’s the original rated version, then came the extended edition “Badder Santa” and finally there’s the latest version which is Terry Zwigoff’s director’s cut which is actually shorter than the other two cuts but does add more things apparently. In this case, we’re talking about the extended Badder Santa (though I am more than willing to revisit this film in the future to talk about the director’s cut.)

Why am I so willing to come back to this? First of all, the film is just hilarious. It shares some structural similarities with Art School Confidential including excellent use of classical music in the soundtrack and the opening monologue which in this case sets up Willie (Billy Bob Thornton) as possibly one of the most miserable wretches since…well, since Art Carney in Night of the Meek. For every jolly person who thinks they really are Santa who dons the suit, there must be a hundred miserable slobs like Willie.
Willie and his little person friend Marcus (Tony Cox) are seasonal thieves who rob malls and department stores every Christmas by getting work as a Santa and an elf and then busting into safes and loading up on merchandise. This year, Willie decides that he’s through and that he’s moving to Miami to quit this life of crime, but then another year passes and when Marcus calls Willie once again makes his miserable way to the next job, this time in sunny Phoenix.

Then there are the two Laurens. Lauren Tom plays Lois, Marcus’s mate and thus the third member of the heist crew. It’s great to actually see her in a role (though I do still love her in Futurama) and Lois is a deliciously evil part. Lois is pure greed, the useless vain kind of greed that finally gets stuck under Willie’s craw.
Then there’s Lauren Graham as Sue, the bartender with an extreme Santa fetish who hooks up with Willie in Phoenix and thus gets stuck in a different happier craw. This movie could have just been about Lauren Graham as a bartender in Phoenix with a Santa fetish and I would have loved it. As it is, Sue is the first bizarre step in Willie’s redemption as a human being because despite her odd desire to have sex with Santa in a parking lot (or maybe, because of it?) she’s a genuinely nice person.

But, of course, it’s a kid who redeems Willie, and the kid in question is a curly headed fat kid named Thurman Merman (Brett Kelly). Thurman is a dopey kid who looks like he’s being fattened up by the witch in the forest from the Hansel und Gretel story. Thurman’s pathos is heightened by the fact that his mother is in heaven with Jesus and the talking walnut (don't ask) and his father (Ethan Phillips, who I last remember seeing on Benson) is climbing mountains (which is the euphemism for being in jail) and he is left home alone with his near comatose grandmother (Cloris Leachman). Needless to say, Thurman is treated like crap by everyone, including Willie, who exploits Thurman’s need for a friend by moving in and thus, incidentally creating the conditions for his own redemption. When Thurman gets a black eye Willie suspends his own attempted suicide to go berserk on the kids who did it.

I beat the shit out of some kids today, but it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something, I dunno, like I accomplished something.

Somehow, there’s something more earnest about this kind of redemption than the treacle covered kind that is usually trotted about. (Maybe because Thurman is so earnestly pathetic “I know there’s no Santa, I just thought that maybe you’d like to give me a present ‘cause we’re friends.”) At any rate, Willie is redeemed (more or less) and in a way he and Sue and Thurman and Grandma form something of a family or at least a circle of friends which stands in sharp contrast to the thievery and material greed exhibited elsewhere in this story. And isn’t that the sort of thing that Christmas is really all about?

And, if you’re more in the mood for comedy than redemption I should note the fine performances by John Ritter as the befuddled mall manager who tries (unsuccessfully) to fire Willie and Marcus when he catches Willie fornicating in a dressing room and Bernie Mac as the double-dealing mall security inspector, Gin, who is treated by Marcus to an exceptionally arcane expletive.

MARCUS: Sketch it up, you fucking moron. Fucking Leonardo da Vinci.
GIN: What’d you call me, thigh-high?
MARCUS: I called you a fucking guinea homo from the 15th-fucking-century, you dickhead!

I’ve been waiting a long time for the name Leonardo da Vinci to be used as an expletive and that moment has arrived not a moment too soon.
And yes, I know that Bernie Mac and John Ritter are now both dead and that’s sad but they’re very much alive in this film (well, except for the part where Bernie Mac gets killed) so you can enjoy them here.
Also, keep on the lookout for Bryan Callen as the Miami bartender who gets in a fight with Willie and Alex Borstein makes an appearance (all we need is Yeardley Smith and all the big animated shows would be represented). And I personally got a kick out of Ajay Naidu as the “Hindustaini Troublemaker” who either thinks Santa is hitting on him or is hitting on Santa or some sort of drunk confusion, but it’s absurdly funny.

At any rate, Bad Santa is for people who think The Ref was too mushy, but still want to have a heartwarming tale of redemption.

Special Features
1. Deleted and Alternate Scenes
1. Santa Trainer Scene
Sarah Silverman as a Santa Trainer delivering Santa’s Ten Commandments:
(1. No Alcoholic Beverages
2. Know Names of Reindeer
3. Do Not Smoke in Costume
4. No Swearing
5. Absolutely No Flirting
6. Coax a Smile from the Child
Sadly we’ll never know what the other four are, but I’m sure not murdering the children or fornicating with big and tall women in their presence are in there.)
2. Willie Leaves Department Store
A few takes of a security guard saying goodnight to everyone leaving a department store and hassling Willie.
Guard: Those pants are awful big, you wouldn’t be trying to steal nothing, would ya?
Willie: The only thing I got in here something to cripple your sister with.
3. Screaming Baby
The screaming baby is a method actor, no doubt.
2. Behind-the-Scenes Special
Zwigoff is fun to watch here and the producers John Cameron and Sarah Aubrey provide some good background. And you get a snippet from that Easter classic, Sling Blade.
3. “Badder Santa” Gag Reel
About a minute and a half of extra frivolity that will keep you from ending your miserable life for about 3 minutes afterward one would hope. You know, the goal of all comedy.
4. Outtakes
It’s hard to distinguish some of these from the gag reel but call it what you will, it’s pretty funny.

Trailers “Sneak Peeks”
1. Dimension Home Video Sampler Trailer
2. The Ladykillers
Good trailer.
3. Scary Movie 3
I guess if it was a choice between going to the unemployment office or being in this movie, I’d have sucked up and been in it along with apparently every other actor on the face of the earth.
4. My Baby’s Daddy
I’ve seen this trailer enough times now that I might as well have just seen the movie instead.