Lake Flaccid

Lake Placid 2 (Unrated) (2007) 
Directed by David Flores
Screenplay by Todd Hurvitz & Howie Miller 


If you're a real fan of Lake Placid then Lake Placid 2 is something of an abomination.   The tenuous relationship of this film to its more illustrious predecessor is both annoying and understandable.  Yes, I can tell this lake is not the same lake as the original film, and yes I do wonder what happened to Brendan Gleeson's Sheriff and why you had to kill off Betty White and replace her with Cloris Leachman.   But why did I bother to see this film before I saw some other gator drama?  Because it was called Lake Placid.  Obviously there's something to the marketing.   


Of course, the downside of that marketing is that it invites a direct comparison with the original Lake Placid, and that's a dangerous thing to do when the first one was so charming.   Lake Placid 2 is definitely lacking a lot of the charm of the first film. 


Like many monster horror films this film depends on subplots to round out the time that isn't spent on witty dialogue or special effects.   Lake Placid 2 makes good use of the old fashioned group of people you meet just long enough to watch all of them being eaten by a crocodile.  Actually, you don't even get that, because instead what you get with this budget is you get to see the rough idea of three people being eaten by a crocodile.   The names of these characters are Edi, Mike and Sharon, but we can just call them topless eastern European blonde, topless eastern European brunette and eastern European guy who managed to get both of them to go to a lake with him.   If you could explain to me how this guy managed to go to a lake in Maine with these two girls, that would be a work of fiction I'd like to sit through, especially if it ends the same way as their subplot does in this film.    I'm assuming that this scene is specifically designed to be dispensible because it's purely here to help add some nudity for the unrated version.    Don't get me wrong, it would be just as exploitative and ridiculous if there was senseless skinny-dipping performed by essential characters who then get eaten by a crocodile.   And on the other hand, who am I to argue against the aesthetic value of pretty women playing topless splashy-splashy in a lake?   I guess it was refreshing that the original Lake Placid didn't resort to this monster movie cliche, but then, it had such a cast of amusing characters (and actors playing them) that it didn't have to. 


Philosophically, this film is in no way similar to the original Lake Placid.   If that film was about good government, then this one is about relatively incompetent local government being aided by the extravagant idle rich.   The local government of Sheriff Riley isn't really capable of dealing with a crocodile problem on his own, but rather than call in help the sheriff heads out with a wildlife expert to do whatever he can do.   No need to call in the National Guard here, the Sheriff and his ex-girlfriend have it under control.   


Then we have the rapacious great white hunter who shows up to lend a hand in return for the chance to hunt the giant beast.   He even has an assistant who does all his real work for him, because somehow this part of Maine just became a time machine back to 1950s Africa.   The great white hunter Jack Struthers is a genuine throwback, because unlike the symbols of rapacious capitalism, he really has no anti-environmental motive.  It's not like he's planning on turning the lake into a parking garage or a chemical dumping ground.   Sure, he's no Oliver Platt from Lake Placid, but he's actually not much of a capitalist so much as a modern idle rich man who wants to hunt a giant monster.  In the realm of villainy that doesn't even rate gold star anymore.   Even his lawbreaking is ultimately useful.  If Jack Struthers didn't have (and bring with him) an arsenal of illegal weapons, then it would have been impossible for the local government (i.e. the sheriff and his soon to be on-again girlfriend) to ultimately destroy the two large crocodiles.  So, maybe this is a film that opens the door to an argument in favor of private ownership of automatic grenade launchers.    


As for the libertarian philosophy of the Bickerman sisters, whereas Delores might have committed negligent homicide, Delores actually kills off a reporter and tries to kill the sheriff's son and the girl he's interested in.   So there's not much to be upset about when crusty Sadie is eaten by her own petard (or something like that).   Sure, Cloris Leachman is at least as crusty as Betty White, but as a character Sadie Bickerman just doesn't compare to Delores.   


One of the more interesting conflicts in the film is the complicated relationship of urban/central and local/provincial  identities.  The sheriff's son, Scott, has a foot in each camp.  He is the son of a local, but he's from the big city.   Scott is interested in Kerri, a bright local who is mulling her options and is seriously considering going off to a good college elsewhere.  This puts Kerri in conflict with Thad, her current boyfriend.   Thad is a resolute townie with no apparent desire to leave this locality.  Looking at the bucolic scenery by the lake, you might almost sympathize with Thad's desire to avoid the rat race of urban life.   On the other hand, Thad is such a jerk that he could ruin even a perfectly good argument if he could make one.  Instead his point of view can be summarized as "why you need seek learn in cement land?"  Thad is such an irredeemable ass that his buffoonish friend Larry seems harmless and cute by comparison.  It's actually a relief when Thad dies due to his own lack of sensitivity.  (He is throwing large crocodile eggs at trees when the mama crocodile shows up and takes her revenge on him.)  


Locality does go a long way towards explaining the group of young friends in this film whose relationship to each other would otherwise be inexplicable.   Why are Thad, Larry, Kerri and Rachel all hanging out at the lake?  Thad and Larry's friendship makes perfect sense, but Kerri and Thad's relationship and for that matter Kerri and Rachel's friendship only make sense as a necessary result of geographic isolation.  Whereas Kerri has something of an outdoorsy quality (what with her giant dog and whatnot) Rachel begins the hike through the woods wearing heels because Vogue recommended them for summertime.   Rachel is clearly not an intellectual powerhouse, but neither is she a rough-hewn hard-ridden townie.   Rachel is in this film for the purpose of behaving like a useless consumer of fashion products, taking her top off for a tan (you know, something Maine is famous for) and then being eaten by a crocodile.   If we must find a meaning in her death it is not because she is bad like Thad, or actively challenging nature like the great white hunter, but because she combines carelessness with uselessness.   She is eaten because she can't tell the difference between Larry and a crocodile breathing on her feet and because in neither case does she muster up the energy to see what's going on until it's too late.  Seriously, even if she thought it was Larry licking her toes, you'd think she'd react to the situation with less listlessness.   But then, that's why Rachel is eaten and Larry survives long enough to be one of the last victims of the crocs.   To give Larry credit, he actually tries to save Rachel, though by the time he does all he's really doing by holding on to her is helping the crocodile tear her torso in half so it's just as well that Larry can't hold on let's the crocodile finish the snack. 


One of the saving graces of Lake Placid 2 is that (like many of these Sci-Fi monster flicks) it is not a film that takes itself seriously.   There's a nice absurd scene in the medical examiner's lab that is a callback to the original Lake Placid.   Kerri's dog manages to inexplicably survive when chased by two crocodiles.   And there's a bunny (actually, they look like different rabbits) that keeps showing up at cheap scare moments and somehow manages to escape death throughout the film.   This would be a better gag if the writers didn't feel the need to draw extra attention to it by having the Sheriff say "I hate that rabbit."   If you can't add value to an absurdity then you should really just leave it alone.   


In the end Sheriff Riley is able to kill the crocodiles (thanks, as I've mentioned earlier, to the illegal weaponry of the great white hunter) so it looks like plucky locals can take care of a problem without federal and state intervention.  And while there's no thought given to taking the crocs alive once they've done as much damage as they've done, Emma Warner does prevail upon the sheriff to save the eggs for research.   Here I have to give the filmmakers some credit for just letting the credits roll instead of throwing in a cheap scare just to set up potential sequels.   


I suppose I should throw in a couple of words here again about the sexualization of violence when it comes to creatures stalking and eating naked women.   Like a shower scene in a slasher film, these bits are pretty typical in horror films and creature features.  The damsel in the arms of the monster is an image as old as film--maybe even older if we want to go back to the idea of the image.   But do these scenes have a meaning beyond pure exploitation of desire?  On the one hand, they combine an expression of sexual desire with a result of violence, which makes for a disturbing juxtaposition and association.   Are we to see these as a warning against sexuality?   "Don't take your clothes off or the big bad crocodile will eat you?"  While the messages that come out of this are perhaps unintentional or subconscious that doesn't mean that the cumulative effect of these associations on culture are to be completely ignored.   


So, why on earth would anyone want to see Lake Placid 2?  
While the cast here isn't the virtuoso ensemble of the predecessor, I'll admit that John Schneider has some charm and if you're a John Schneider fan this wouldn't be a bad one to see.   Huge fans of Cloris Leachman wouldn't want to miss this. 
I suppose the same could be said of huge fans of Sam McMurray, Justin Urich or Jonas Talkington.   
If you just absolutely have to see another crocodile movie, then this is an acceptable option.   
If you're a fan of Bulgarian scenery then the scenery is quite striking.   
Ultimately, I'd have to give this film a passable rating.   It's not as good as Lake Placid, but it isn't terrible or unwatchable by along shot and it's got a cute bunny rabbit.    Would this film have been better with Bruce Campbell in it?  Probably.  But then the paradox of Bruce Campbell's situation now is that he doesn't have to be in Lake Placid 2 (presumably). 
And so we take the Lake Placid we can get instead of the Lake Placid we'd ideally like to see.   


Dramatis Personae
Sheriff James Riley...John Schneider (Bo Duke or Jonathan Kent, depending on how you’d like to think of him) 
It's hard to find fault with Schneider's charm.  He's no Brendan Gleeson or Bill Pullman, but he holds this movie up fine.
Scott Riley, his son...Chad Collins (Legion of the Dead) 
Emily ‘Emma’ Warner...Sarah Lafleur (Sailor Moon, Ugly Betty, Earth: Final Conflict) 
Sadie Bickerman, sister of the late Delores Bickerman....Cloris Leachman (Kiss Me Deadly, Young Frankenstein, Raising Hope, Beerfest, Malcolm in the Middle, Best Supporting Actress for The Last Picture Show) This just goes to prove that even having an Oscar doesn't prevent you from flying out to Bulgaria to do a crocodile movie. 
Jack Struthers, a wealthy white hunter....Sam McMurray (Raising Arizona, C.H.U.D., The Tracey Ullman Show, Dinosaurs, Freaks and Geeks, Friends) 
Ahmad, his native guide...Joe Holt (Far From Heaven, Law & Order, Prison Break, K-PAX) 
Joe Holt deserves a medal for having to sport some of the most bizarre scar makeup on his chest and arm.   It looks like a snake pooped on his chest and then came back and did it on his arm.   
Kerri, a local girl....Alicia Ziegler (Wolf Town, The Last Hurrah, Wildfire, NCIS, CSI: NY, CSI: Miami, Bones, Criminal Minds) 
Thad Sanders, Kerri's boyfriend....Ian Reed Kesler (Law & Order: SVU, CSI, CSI: Miami, CSI: NY, The Loop, Stone & Ed, Bones, 500 Days of Summer, NCIS, Medium, Castle, Franklin & Bash, Weeds) 
Larry....Justin Urich (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 3rd Rock from the Son, Nutty Professor II, Gilmore Girls, CSI, How High, Monster Man, The Rage: Carrie 2) 
Rachel....V.J. Benson aka VJ Kewl (Lightning Strikes, Infestation) VJ Kewl is a Bulgarian enigma. 
Frank Mills...Robert Blush (Nightmare City 2035, Finding Rin Tin Tin) 
Cal Miner....Jonas Talkington (Alien Apocalypse, Man with the Screaming Brain) 
Tillman...Michael McCoy (Sharks in Venice, It’s Alive, Mega Snake, The Grudge 3, Day of the Dead, Behind Enemy Lines II) 
Deputy Dale Davis....Terry Winkless (Directed and acted in Nightmare City 2035 and The Westing Game and can also be seen in Mega Snake) 
Female Deputy....Andrea Enright (Mega Snake, Nightmare City 2035) 
Edi....Jasmina Toshkova aka Zhasmina Toskova (Return to House on Haunted Hill, Ghost Voyage) 
Mike....Vlado Mihailov (Behind Enemy Lines II, Grendel, Reign of the Gargoyles, Finding Rin Tin Tin, It’s Alive, Copperhead, Monster Ark, Infestation, Wrong Turn 3, Ghost Town, Boogeyman 3) 
Sharon....Yana Marinova (The Immortal Voyage of Captain Drake, Star Runners, Glass Home)


Cinematography by Lorenzo Senatore (Swamp Shark, Monsterwolf, Wrong Turn 3, Boogeyman 3, Starship Troopers 3, Copperhead, Return to House on Haunted Hill, Reign of the Gargoyles, Grendel, S.S. Doomtrooper, Behind Enemy Lines II, Manticore, Boa vs. Python) 
Original Music by Nathan Furst (Shark Swarm, Lake Placid 3, Grendel)


Previews
1. Bachelor Party: The Second Coming
Was this movie strictly speaking necessary?  Granted, it would be awesome if the bachelor party in question was attacked by some crocodiles.    
2. Wrong Turn 2: Dead End
Henry Rollins stars in this film about a bachelor party gone wrong.   
3. Sunshine
Captain America tries to reignite the sun, which will work only because he's also the Human Flame. 
4. Resurrecting the Champ
Josh Hartnett and Samuel L. Jackson star in this film about a writer who is accused of fabricating a story about a bachelor party that is attacked by crocodiles. 


Special Features
1. Sex, Guns, and Croc-n-Roll
Some behind the scenes shots thankfully free of any narration or attempts at promotion.    
2. Surviving a Crocodile Attack
Some helpful tips for the viewer. 
#1 Always be aware of your surroundings
Like, for instance, if everything is dark and smells bad then you've been swallowed by a crocodile or the power has gone out and the meat you've used to insulate your room has started to go bad. 
#2 Stay at least 15 feet away from crocodiles
And always carry a tape measure. 
#3 Stay out of infested waters
How do you know the waters are infested?   That's like saying "stay away from dog-infested neighborhoods."   How do you know until you've run into a pack of dogs?   
#4 Never feed crocodiles, either intentionally or unintentionally
I think unintentional feeding includes unintentionally being eaten by a crocodile.   So yeah, I won't be doing that.   
#5 Turn off your boat's outboard motor
Explanation, please?   Do crocodiles eat outboards?
#6 Never disturb a crocodile nest
Especially not with an outboard motor.   
#7 If you see a crocodile...RUN!  However running is usually futile. 
What?   That's not helpful at all.   What do you mean by "usually futile," because if running is futile, then why run?  
#8 A tree can serve as a temporary shelter
Unless crocodiles learn how to climb trees I would think it could be permanent shelter.  Hell, from up there you could probably just pelt the crocodile with your feces and you'd be safe.   Though, at that point you'd have to come down to wash the poop off your hands.   
#9 If caught in a DEATH ROLL, be ready to roll in the same direction. 
What if it's a near death roll?  
If you can't avoid an attack you have one choice: FIGHT BACK!
Because running is futile and you can only pelt it with poop from the tree top so long before you have to come down. 
#10 Go for the eyes, the nostrils, or the palatal valve
Also, you could give it a good punch to the crotch because I don't care what animal you're dealing with, a good punch to its junk will shock the crap out of it. 
#11 Keep the crocodile's mouth firmly closed
Always keep a jar of peanut butter handy for this.   
#12 If bitten, seek medical attention promptly
This bit was thrown in by the medical lobbyists.  I'm not going to waste time and money on getting treatment for a crocodile bite.   
And always remember...If you do get caught...It's okay to SCREAM!
Actually, it's not okay to scream.  Get yourself a spine and some class and take it quietly, because that crocodile might take your arm, your leg, your head and even your life, but don't let it take your dignity.   You may have lived stupidly to have ended up getting killed by a crocodile but the least you can do is die bravely.   
3. Lake Placid 2: The "Gnawed Up" Version
This is a shortened version of the film that fast forwards through the boring bits and slows down for the killing, the best of the one-liners and, of course, the part with the eastern European girls.  For those of you who might be considering this film but don't really want to invest the time to see it, this is the perfect solution.  You practically see the whole film at high speed and with enough time saved to do something more productive with your time.