The Other Johansson Girl

Sharks in Venice (2007)
Directed by Danny Lerner
Written by Les Weldon

Sharks in the canals of Venice. It’s a brilliant concept. So how could you possibly screw that up? Maybe by trying to have the whole thing revolve around an underwater treasure hunt on the trail of a missing Crusader treasure and a conspiracy involving mobsters shooting it out with cops in warehouses. If you’re going to make a monster movie, it’s really best to make the monster the worst thing that your characters face. There’s nothing interesting about trying to prove that the humans are the worst monsters in a shark movie. Wait a minute...that might be interesting, too. Unfortunately, this film manages to take several interesting ideas and make them all dull and almost unwatchable.

David Franks, a professor at the Oceanographic Institute....Stephen Baldwin (No comment.)
Laura, David’s fiancee and an expert in underwater Medieval treasures....Vanessa Johansson (Older sister of Scarlett.)
Dean Flathers, the Dean of the Oceanographic Institute....Michael McCoy (Lake Placid 2, The Grudge 3, Messengers 2, Behind Enemy Lines II, the It’s Alive remake, the Day of the Dead remake, something called Taming Jessica Lang and Mega Snake)
Medical Examiner, the guy who has to insist that people were killed by boat propellers....Bashar Rahal (Shark Attack 3, The Onion Movie, Arrested Development, My Name Is Earl, The Unit, 24)
Student, a student at the OI who you think will become important later...Rolando Cardenas
Lt. Sofia Totti, a Venetian police officer....Hilda van der Meulen
Captain Bonasera, the chief of police in Venice who wants to keep the whole shark thing hush hush. Also one of many references to The Godfather....Atanas Srebrev (Bulgarian who can also be seen in Shark Attack 3, Raging Sharks, SharkMan, Boa vs. Python, Mansquito and Lake Placid 3.)
Vito Clemenza, an unsavory sponsor of an underwater treasure hunt....Giacomo Gonnella (Carbo from Rome, also played bit parts in Titus, Tea with Mussolini and In Love and War. Has hair that looks like someone just unloaded a truckload of hair on his head.)
Rossi, a goon....Ivaylo Geraskov (Python 2)
Radar Assistant on Ship...Vlado Kolev, aka Vladimir Kolev (of Man with the Screaming Brain fame and Fisherman Bob from Alien Apocalypse. He really needs a bigger part.)
Man in Black (not Johnny Cash)....Kaloyan Vondenicharov (a stuntman with an extensive list of credits both shark and non-shark related.)
Operator...Asen Blatechki (Another Alien Apocalypse alum, Python 2 and Boa vs. Python)

How can you screw up a perfectly good monster film idea? Sharks knocking people off gondolas and snacking on tourists? The only thing that could compare would be something like Ski Shark, a shark that can travel about in drifts of snow killing unsuspecting fans of winter sports. It could be like Better Off Dead, only with sharks.
But Sharks in Venice should have been a passable idea. But then, Danny Lerner had to sit and brainstorm with Les Weldon and what do they say? “People like sharks, but they also like buried treasure and conspiracy riddles.” So instead of making a good honest monster film, they set us down a convoluted road, because they’re trying to fit in every possible other idea in here. You know what audiences really like? Sandwiches. But you didn’t give me a sandwich with this shark movie, now, did you? No. Maybe you meant to give us all a sandwich along with this movie, but then you cast Stephen Baldwin and I’m pretty sure he ate all of the sandwiches. There are Baldwin pianos that could do a better job than Stephen Baldwin does in this film. Everybody else in this movie is Bulgarian, so they have an excuse, but Stephen Baldwin doesn’t have that excuse. The only excuse I might give him is the one I’m willing to buy for the other Johansson girl, which is that her look of uncomfortable befuddlement is with what has to be one of the dumbest “scripts” ever produced. I don’t blame her a lick looking confused. And at least she’s attractive.
I have a feeling that in some iteration of this “idea” there was some sort of love triangle and jealousy angle with David, Laura and the Lt. Totti but like the film itself that’s another setup that never pays off.
Instead we get a flashback sequence of Crusaders storming a castle in Crete and making off with a secret treasure. Three brothers cart the treasure back to Venice where sadly Indiana Jones and his father don’t find it and thus it’s still around for this gang to find. The brothers are called the Medicci. I think the misspelling was intentional so we don’t confuse these brothers with any of the Medicis, who weren’t from Venice anyhow.
So David’s father is missing and two of his fellow divers are killed by sharks just as they found the first clue toward the treasure. Just to let you know, David’s father is never found and he and David don’t end up both doing it with Lt. Totti. In fact, David seems completely unconcerned that he never finds his father’s body. What is it with missing fathers in Venice? Is this some sort of archetype I’m not aware of? And why do they always find clever ways of hiding their notebooks full of arcane scribbles?
The thing is, the sharks aren’t in Venice by natural causes. Oh, no. They were unleashed there by...Vito Clemenza, the same mobster who sponsored the treasure hunt. Oh yeah, for the two of you were still planning on seeing this film without knowing what happens in it I suppose I should give you a belated spoiler alert. But I don’t believe in spoiler alerts the way some movie reviewers don’t believe in telling you what a piece of crap Transformers was.
The fact that the sharks were unleashed by Clemenza raises two interesting questions. #1. Did Sal Tessio know about this plan? #2. Why does Clemenza let the sharks that he put in the water to keep out other divers eat his own divers?
Let me just reiterate that. Divers in the water, his divers, treasure in the water, the treasure he's looking for, sharks go in the water, he puts them there. Sharks eat his own divers preventing them from getting to the treasure he wants. What kind of stupid plan is that? Why doesn’t he keep the sharks away once he sends in his own team?
I’ll bet Tessio wouldn’t have made a mistake like that. Why doesn’t Clemenza keep the sharks separate from his area of operations? And why does he still have a tank full of more sharks? Does he plan on dumping them into other places later just for fun?
Now, was I all that surprised by the fact that Lt. Totti was paid off by Clemenza? No. It’s Venice and you knew there had to be some dirty cops in involved, especially given the fact that the cops are already unhelpful in the battle against the sharks. Why would they be more helpful when the sharks are backed by a mobster?
As with Raging Sharks, the Danny Lerner shark movie that actually about aliens and a rogue intelligence agency, this film isn’t about the sharks in Venice. The few moments that you really want in such a film are squandered. Sure, you get to see a gondola eaten and there are some nice ominous shots of people riding around with fins popping up innocuously in the background (though sometimes they flop over in sad fashion). In one scene there’s a couple making out on a bridge. The guy tries to get too far too fast and the girl calls him a “naughty boy” or something equally ridiculous. And his punishment is that a shark leaps out of the water like a dolphin and eats him. Only all we see is a splash of water. No shark and no eating. But we do get the moral point, which is that if a guy gets stopped short of second base in Venice a shark or dolphin or deadly splash of water will kill and eat him.
The point of the film is that the shark problem is never even contained. They’re still on the loose at the end. That’s how little the sharks have to do with the plot of this film.
I will admit right now that if someone made another film with sharks or crocodiles or whatever hunting in Venice, I’d probably get suckered into seeing it, especially since this one just doesn’t live up to the promise of the premise.
Try again later.
As for the other Johansson girl? I hope I get to see her in something better soon. Maybe in Cavealien 5 with Bruce Campbell.
Ciao!

Previews
Contract Killers
Frida Farrell plays Jason Bourne (or whatever they’re calling her) in this film about a woman who is trying to get out of the CIA or, something like that. She’s gone rogue, or the agency’s gone rogue, or whatever. There’s only one reason you might be tempted to see this film and her name is Frida Farrell.
Ogre
From the director of such classics as Sasquatch Mountain, Wyvern, the I Spit on Your Grave remake and Mongolian Death Worm. A forgotten village, an ancient monster, some cops with donuts, cabbalistic symbols. It’s like someone decided that what The Village, The Blair Witch, The Dan Brown Code, Brotherhood of the Wolf and Brigadoon were lacking was being crammed into the same movie together. And if this WAS a musical I’d almost find that combination endearing. But it’s not. And yeah, that’s John Schneider.
The Way of War
Is there anyone left in the CIA who hasn’t gone rogue? If the combined wisdom of cinema and fiction is to be believed then why don’t we just admit that the entirety of our intelligence apparatus consists of rogue operations and conspiratorial agendas and out of control berserkers?
In this film Cuba Gooding Jr. goes berserk when he discovers that there’s a rogue operation going on or something like that with time traveling ogres and Jason Bourne and the army. J.K. Simmons may actually get me to see this. Also with Clarence Willams III, Sarah Ann Schultz, Jaclyn DeSantis and the great Vernel Bagneris.
Retrograde
Dolph Lundgren in space, but also in the snow, but mostly in space...and a warehouse. And there are time travelers.
Retrograde is an appropriate title.