Sh'Zone

Shark Zone (2003)
Directed by Danny Lerner
Screenplay by Sam Parish

The Sh’Zone is like a calzone, only it’s made of shark. And if Shark Zone was about a group of wacky and somewhat demented people who were trying to run a fast-food shark restaurant it would be awful and yet much more rich with possibilities than what Danny Lerner has cooked up in this shark film. I wish I could say that Danny Lerner was the John Ford of shark films, but that does neither of those men due credit for their value. Danny Lerner kept monster movies alive when it looked like they were all but gone, except for the occasional reappearance. But rather than let Deep Blue Sea stand as the last gasp of the shark film, Danny Lerner bellied up to the bar and made some just plain awful films. But without the Shark Attack series and such horrors as Shark Zone, Raging Sharks and Sharks in Venice, we wouldn’t have such gems as Sharktopus and other films made by Danny Lerner’s competitors in the continual game of monster-one-ups-manship.

Andrew Wagner, an ex-SEAL....Alan Austin (Guiding Light, Air Marshal, Maximum Velocity)
Jimmy Wagner, his son....Dean Cochran (The Bold and the Beautiful, Meet the Spartans)
Carrie Wagner, Jimmy’s wife....Brandi Sherwood (Miss Teen USA 1989, Miss USA 1997, The Price Is Right, The Bold and the Beautiful, married to Dean Cochran)
Danny Wagner, their son.....Luke Leavitt
Mayor John Cortell, a California mayor....Alan Austin (Two roles in the same crappy movie? I hope they paid him twice as much.)
Volkoff, the Russian Burl Ives, a shady investor....Velizar Binev (Man with the Screaming Brain, Alien Apocalypse) This is some of Velizar’s best work to date.
Boris, a flunky....Plamen Zahov (Shark Attack 3: Megalodon)
Nikolas, another flunky....Alexander Petrov
Vlad, another flunky....Boiko Boyanov
Ilya...Dimiter Dimitrov
Riley, a scuba tourist....Svilena Vlangova
Billy, a scuba tourist....Yulian Vergov (Shark Hunter, Raging Sharks, Mansquito, S.S. Doomtrooper, The Fourth Kind)
Melissa, a scuba tourist....Vessela Neinski
Harker....Daniel Tzochev (Raging Sharks, Alien Siege, S.S. Doomtrooper)
Tyler....Franklin Vallette (Alien Hunter, Mansquito, Octopus 2: River of Fear, Zarkorr! The Invader)
Nick...Kalin Yavorov
Cesar...Martin Dorcey
Corde....Jonas Talkington (THE Jonas Talkington from Man with the Screaming Brain and Alien Apocalypse)
Jordan, a bartender....Stefan Lysenko (Trasharella)
Tesha....Violeta Markovska (Octopus 2: River of Fear, It’s Alive, Copperhead)

Cinematography by Emil Topuzov (Raging Sharks, Mansquito, Hammerhead, Mega Snake, Cyclops)

You know you’re in trouble when a movie like this starts with a Spanish galleon (flying what looks like a Dutch flag) and a narrator talking about lost treasure. What is the deal with sharks guarding treasure? This is the third shark film I’ve seen directed by Danny Lerner (please, shoot me now) and in all three of them the sharks are guarding something. Guard-sharks? Really?
At least the sharks in this film are not 1) dumped in the water by a nefarious mafioso, 2) the result of genetic research, or 3) mutated by radioactive waste from an alien spacecraft.
Also, at least the treasure of the galleon is just plain treasure and not sort of Raiders of the Davinci Grail crap.
I guess at a certain point you just have to accept the small mercies of bad films.

So, the retired Navy SEAL is taking a bunch of tourists on a dive to find the wreck of the Spanish treasure ship. They dive from what looks like a Bulgarian military helicopter. (Because Bulgaria has been secretly sending its army to Oakland for years now.) When they hit the water they are all able to communicate perfectly despite having breathing apparatus in their mouths. (This is a trademark of many of these aquatic monster films. I can't believe I still haven't gotten used to it.) Then they find the ship. Well, actually they find two wrecks, though it’s never clear if that’s part of the plot or just bad editing. They find a remarkably well-preserved wooden hull (apparently this stretch of California waters has no life forms other than sharks to take apart the wooden vessel. But the tourists are also diving around what is clearly another more modern looking steel hulled vessel. None of this matters because before you can say “kelp” there is a pack of great white sharks feasting on everything. The ex-SEAL manages to get his son Jimbo to swim really fast to escape the shark that eats him. I guess all that special forces training doesn’t mean much when faced with a hungry pack of growling sharks. Oh, yeah. It wouldn’t be a Danny Lerner shark film without the trademark pig grunting and tiger growling of these porkers. I kind of wish Lerner would create an MGM style logo with a roaring shark in the middle.

Anyhow, this prelude sets the scene for what happens a few years later. Jimbo is a little older and he’s in charge of keeping the beaches shark free for the local festival of whatever it is these people are celebrating. Jimmy has earned a reputation as being a bit paranoid about sharks. This is natural since he was the sole survivor of a shark massacre in these same waters. In fact, this film is in many ways about PTSD. Jimmy is suffering from a severe case of shark shock. On two notable occasions he has dream sequences where he imagines shark attacks that kill his wife or child. More about this later. The point is, not only is this a film about a son trying to visit some vengeance upon sharks for killing his father, but it’s also a film about grief, sacrifice and psychological trauma.

Of course, you might also say it’s a film about a lifeguard who spends his time watching topless girls on the beach instead of looking out for sharks. The funny thing about the lifeguard is that what he sees are not just inserted scenes, but at least one of these bits is an insert of the topless sunbather from Shark Attack 2. Which means that either the lifeguard’s ogling can break space and time barriers or he is able to break the fourth wall and see other shark films, thus recognizing that he is in a shark film.

So the sharks kill a bunch of people. And this has the business community worried. The mayor needs to find some money to keep his festival afloat. He gets his backing from Volkoff, the Russian Burl Ives. Volkoff’s only stipulation is that he wants Jimmy to help him find the Spanish galleon treasure. This should be easy, because the ship is fully intact next to a kelp bed just off the coast. But Jimmy will have nothing to do with the treasure because that’s where his father died and he won’t go back there. Even though he’s never left the vicinity and is quite willing to ride around in a helicopter just over the same spot every day. And I have to say that despite having dozens of people killed in his town the mayor is one of the most nonchalant relaxed executives I’ve ever seen.
It’s not that human life means nothing to him, but he’s clearly not worried about the scale of the killings. It’s almost like he hasn’t been watching the insert scenes from Shark Attack 2 that show a bunch of people being killed on a beach that is now supposed to be his beach. Or maybe he realizes that the shark attacks are meta-sharks inserted in from another film and thus aren’t really killing anyone at all. As for the populace of his town, if women are still willing to take off their tops and jump off the pier AT NIGHT, then they either aren’t worried or haven’t been keeping up with the news. Of course, people who disappear in a nighttime buffer like that don’t even pop up on the mayor’s radar. Still, after a few dozen more daytime deaths the mayor has to let Jimmy take some action.

So, Jimmy gets together his diving buddies and goes on what has to be the most incompetent raid since Custer went over that ridge at the Little Bighorn. I’m still not sure why Jimmy put his friends into shark cages and then just watched them all get eaten instead of sending them down there with harpoons and other fighting implements. Was he using his friends as bait? Or has he gone insane? So, Jimmy now has to gather a second expedition for even more revenge. Having killed off the rowdiest crew of experience divers in town he finds himself going back to sea with just a bartender to accompany him. Lucky for Jimmy, the bartender isn’t stupid enough to go in the cage and then into the water. Instead he and Jimmy just shoot at the sharks from the boat. Why wasn’t this the original plan to begin with? Granted, they’re still so incompetent that they can only save one of a group of teenagers who are out on the water. But they do manage to shoot a lot of sharks before heading back to town.

And this is where the heist story comes back into play. Because Volkoff wasn’t about to let Jimmy off the hook about the treasure. When Jimmy doesn’t play ball Volkoff kidnaps Jimmy’s son and threatens to dump the kid in the ocean if Jimmy doesn’t show him the treasure. Jimmy rescues his kid and Volkoff and his crew end up getting eaten by sharks. Which raises an important question--how many great whites are in this killer pack of sharks here and why is Jimmy not concerned about this reappearance of his aquatic nemeses?

We’ll never know because Jimmy takes his family on a big cruise ship for a well-earned vacation. And this is where the PTSD sets in again, because just before the ending Jimmy imagines seeing a giant great white rear it’s scary head in the swimming pool of the cruise ship. Jimmy is not well. And that’s where the film leaves us. Jimmy shrugs and laughs it off as he realizes he was just imagining things. Jimmy may have a tumor or be at risk for a massive psychological breakdown.

So, if you’re thinking of snacking on a Sh’Zone and watching this film, keep in mind that while the premise isn’t as visually arresting as Sharks in Venice, the execution here is a little better. (You actually see more shark action here than in that film.) And Shark Zone isn’t as batshit insane as Raging Sharks, unless you count Jimmy’s nightmares.
There’s something to be said for this film. I don’t know what that something is, but I’m sure there’s something to be said for it. Shark Zone, in short is a midlevel third tier shark film. Not as good as Shark Attack 2, better than Raging Sharks and both better and worse than Sharks in Venice.

As for the sh'zone? There are clearly worse ideas than a film about people trying to sell shark wraps and falafel from a pier in Port Aransas.

Bonus
1. Trailer
Even the trailer for this movie can’t really excite me about it. Watching a trailer for Shark Zone after having seen the film is a bonus feature only if you consider yourself cheated if they decided to not include it at all. And yeah, if they'd skimped on that "bonus" I would have felt cheated. I know it's like getting a plate full of southern fried horse crap and complaining if you didn't get the raccoon shit hushpuppies on the side with it, but that's the way it goes.
Previews
Miner’s Massacre
An abandoned gold mine, some greedy young folk with exposed midriffs and Karen Black.
What's not to like?
Maximum Velocity
If only we could just drop some device that could fix this global climate disaster. Oh, but we can, and Michael Ironside will be there to help us do it.
Home Room
Holland Taylor, Victor Garber, Busy Philipps and Erika Christensen in a creepy school shooting movie. I can only hope there are sharks in that film also.
Wolves of Wall Street
Eric Roberts is the leader of a pack of stockbrokers/werewolves. If they corner the market on silver, they’ll be unstoppable.
Shark Zone
Shark Zone [VHS]

The Other Johansson Girl

Sharks in Venice (2007)
Directed by Danny Lerner
Written by Les Weldon

Sharks in the canals of Venice. It’s a brilliant concept. So how could you possibly screw that up? Maybe by trying to have the whole thing revolve around an underwater treasure hunt on the trail of a missing Crusader treasure and a conspiracy involving mobsters shooting it out with cops in warehouses. If you’re going to make a monster movie, it’s really best to make the monster the worst thing that your characters face. There’s nothing interesting about trying to prove that the humans are the worst monsters in a shark movie. Wait a minute...that might be interesting, too. Unfortunately, this film manages to take several interesting ideas and make them all dull and almost unwatchable.

David Franks, a professor at the Oceanographic Institute....Stephen Baldwin (No comment.)
Laura, David’s fiancee and an expert in underwater Medieval treasures....Vanessa Johansson (Older sister of Scarlett.)
Dean Flathers, the Dean of the Oceanographic Institute....Michael McCoy (Lake Placid 2, The Grudge 3, Messengers 2, Behind Enemy Lines II, the It’s Alive remake, the Day of the Dead remake, something called Taming Jessica Lang and Mega Snake)
Medical Examiner, the guy who has to insist that people were killed by boat propellers....Bashar Rahal (Shark Attack 3, The Onion Movie, Arrested Development, My Name Is Earl, The Unit, 24)
Student, a student at the OI who you think will become important later...Rolando Cardenas
Lt. Sofia Totti, a Venetian police officer....Hilda van der Meulen
Captain Bonasera, the chief of police in Venice who wants to keep the whole shark thing hush hush. Also one of many references to The Godfather....Atanas Srebrev (Bulgarian who can also be seen in Shark Attack 3, Raging Sharks, SharkMan, Boa vs. Python, Mansquito and Lake Placid 3.)
Vito Clemenza, an unsavory sponsor of an underwater treasure hunt....Giacomo Gonnella (Carbo from Rome, also played bit parts in Titus, Tea with Mussolini and In Love and War. Has hair that looks like someone just unloaded a truckload of hair on his head.)
Rossi, a goon....Ivaylo Geraskov (Python 2)
Radar Assistant on Ship...Vlado Kolev, aka Vladimir Kolev (of Man with the Screaming Brain fame and Fisherman Bob from Alien Apocalypse. He really needs a bigger part.)
Man in Black (not Johnny Cash)....Kaloyan Vondenicharov (a stuntman with an extensive list of credits both shark and non-shark related.)
Operator...Asen Blatechki (Another Alien Apocalypse alum, Python 2 and Boa vs. Python)

How can you screw up a perfectly good monster film idea? Sharks knocking people off gondolas and snacking on tourists? The only thing that could compare would be something like Ski Shark, a shark that can travel about in drifts of snow killing unsuspecting fans of winter sports. It could be like Better Off Dead, only with sharks.
But Sharks in Venice should have been a passable idea. But then, Danny Lerner had to sit and brainstorm with Les Weldon and what do they say? “People like sharks, but they also like buried treasure and conspiracy riddles.” So instead of making a good honest monster film, they set us down a convoluted road, because they’re trying to fit in every possible other idea in here. You know what audiences really like? Sandwiches. But you didn’t give me a sandwich with this shark movie, now, did you? No. Maybe you meant to give us all a sandwich along with this movie, but then you cast Stephen Baldwin and I’m pretty sure he ate all of the sandwiches. There are Baldwin pianos that could do a better job than Stephen Baldwin does in this film. Everybody else in this movie is Bulgarian, so they have an excuse, but Stephen Baldwin doesn’t have that excuse. The only excuse I might give him is the one I’m willing to buy for the other Johansson girl, which is that her look of uncomfortable befuddlement is with what has to be one of the dumbest “scripts” ever produced. I don’t blame her a lick looking confused. And at least she’s attractive.
I have a feeling that in some iteration of this “idea” there was some sort of love triangle and jealousy angle with David, Laura and the Lt. Totti but like the film itself that’s another setup that never pays off.
Instead we get a flashback sequence of Crusaders storming a castle in Crete and making off with a secret treasure. Three brothers cart the treasure back to Venice where sadly Indiana Jones and his father don’t find it and thus it’s still around for this gang to find. The brothers are called the Medicci. I think the misspelling was intentional so we don’t confuse these brothers with any of the Medicis, who weren’t from Venice anyhow.
So David’s father is missing and two of his fellow divers are killed by sharks just as they found the first clue toward the treasure. Just to let you know, David’s father is never found and he and David don’t end up both doing it with Lt. Totti. In fact, David seems completely unconcerned that he never finds his father’s body. What is it with missing fathers in Venice? Is this some sort of archetype I’m not aware of? And why do they always find clever ways of hiding their notebooks full of arcane scribbles?
The thing is, the sharks aren’t in Venice by natural causes. Oh, no. They were unleashed there by...Vito Clemenza, the same mobster who sponsored the treasure hunt. Oh yeah, for the two of you were still planning on seeing this film without knowing what happens in it I suppose I should give you a belated spoiler alert. But I don’t believe in spoiler alerts the way some movie reviewers don’t believe in telling you what a piece of crap Transformers was.
The fact that the sharks were unleashed by Clemenza raises two interesting questions. #1. Did Sal Tessio know about this plan? #2. Why does Clemenza let the sharks that he put in the water to keep out other divers eat his own divers?
Let me just reiterate that. Divers in the water, his divers, treasure in the water, the treasure he's looking for, sharks go in the water, he puts them there. Sharks eat his own divers preventing them from getting to the treasure he wants. What kind of stupid plan is that? Why doesn’t he keep the sharks away once he sends in his own team?
I’ll bet Tessio wouldn’t have made a mistake like that. Why doesn’t Clemenza keep the sharks separate from his area of operations? And why does he still have a tank full of more sharks? Does he plan on dumping them into other places later just for fun?
Now, was I all that surprised by the fact that Lt. Totti was paid off by Clemenza? No. It’s Venice and you knew there had to be some dirty cops in involved, especially given the fact that the cops are already unhelpful in the battle against the sharks. Why would they be more helpful when the sharks are backed by a mobster?
As with Raging Sharks, the Danny Lerner shark movie that actually about aliens and a rogue intelligence agency, this film isn’t about the sharks in Venice. The few moments that you really want in such a film are squandered. Sure, you get to see a gondola eaten and there are some nice ominous shots of people riding around with fins popping up innocuously in the background (though sometimes they flop over in sad fashion). In one scene there’s a couple making out on a bridge. The guy tries to get too far too fast and the girl calls him a “naughty boy” or something equally ridiculous. And his punishment is that a shark leaps out of the water like a dolphin and eats him. Only all we see is a splash of water. No shark and no eating. But we do get the moral point, which is that if a guy gets stopped short of second base in Venice a shark or dolphin or deadly splash of water will kill and eat him.
The point of the film is that the shark problem is never even contained. They’re still on the loose at the end. That’s how little the sharks have to do with the plot of this film.
I will admit right now that if someone made another film with sharks or crocodiles or whatever hunting in Venice, I’d probably get suckered into seeing it, especially since this one just doesn’t live up to the promise of the premise.
Try again later.
As for the other Johansson girl? I hope I get to see her in something better soon. Maybe in Cavealien 5 with Bruce Campbell.
Ciao!

Previews
Contract Killers
Frida Farrell plays Jason Bourne (or whatever they’re calling her) in this film about a woman who is trying to get out of the CIA or, something like that. She’s gone rogue, or the agency’s gone rogue, or whatever. There’s only one reason you might be tempted to see this film and her name is Frida Farrell.
Ogre
From the director of such classics as Sasquatch Mountain, Wyvern, the I Spit on Your Grave remake and Mongolian Death Worm. A forgotten village, an ancient monster, some cops with donuts, cabbalistic symbols. It’s like someone decided that what The Village, The Blair Witch, The Dan Brown Code, Brotherhood of the Wolf and Brigadoon were lacking was being crammed into the same movie together. And if this WAS a musical I’d almost find that combination endearing. But it’s not. And yeah, that’s John Schneider.
The Way of War
Is there anyone left in the CIA who hasn’t gone rogue? If the combined wisdom of cinema and fiction is to be believed then why don’t we just admit that the entirety of our intelligence apparatus consists of rogue operations and conspiratorial agendas and out of control berserkers?
In this film Cuba Gooding Jr. goes berserk when he discovers that there’s a rogue operation going on or something like that with time traveling ogres and Jason Bourne and the army. J.K. Simmons may actually get me to see this. Also with Clarence Willams III, Sarah Ann Schultz, Jaclyn DeSantis and the great Vernel Bagneris.
Retrograde
Dolph Lundgren in space, but also in the snow, but mostly in space...and a warehouse. And there are time travelers.
Retrograde is an appropriate title.