Mega Marbury v. Giant Madison

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (2009)
Directed by Ace Hannah (Jack Perez)
Screenplay by Ace Hannah (Jack Perez)

Debbie Gibson, Lorenzo Lamas, a shark and an octopus and also Debbie Gibson and some more Debbie Gibson. I’ll admit that if someone came to me with a credible plan for a project and asked me to contribute somewhere between 15 and 75 cents toward it using the above statement as a sales pitch, I might consider contributing as much 55 cents toward that plan. Maybe even an extra dime on account of Debbie Gibson.

Emma MacNeil, submarine biologist....Deborah Gibson (She followed up this with the fabulous Mega Python vs. Gatoroid) Just go ahead and admit it. You’ve been wanting to see her in a film. The only thing you desire more is to see a miniseries of Far From the Madding Crowd with Susanna Hoffs.
Seiji Shimada....Vic Chao (The Division, 24)
Lamar Sanders, Emma’s formerly alcoholic Irish professor....Sean Lawlor (By the Sword Divided, Not Another Not Another Movie, 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea) We know this character is Irish because the writer has practically put him in a leprechaun outfit and handed him a pot of gold in his first scene. “Obviously I’m Irish because I’ve called you ‘lassie’ mentioned being an alcoholic and done a little jig all in a matter of seconds.”
Allan Baxter....Lorenzo Lamas (This performance is nowhere near as hilarious as Blood Angels and I can assure you I never imagined I’d be saying that.)
Vince, Emma’s navigator...Jonathan Nation (Mega Piranha, Death Racers, War of the Worlds 2, 2012 Doomsday, #1 Cheerleader Camp) Mr. Nation speaks for all of us because he is the embodiment of The Nation.
Dick Ritchie....Mark Hengst (The Cook) Hengst, you’re so brilliant in The Cook. It’s a shame to see you relegated to mookdom in this film.
Takeo....Michael Teh (Lost Colony, Breaking Point, Blood for the Gods, 2010: Moby Dick)
Kenji....Chris Haley
U.S. Sub Captain....Dean Kreyling (100 Million BC, The Terminators, Transmorphers: Fall of Man, 2010: Moby Dick) In the back of your mind was the thought that playing a sub captain would make you as cool as Sean Connery or at least put you in the same league as Jurgen Prochnow, Clark Gable or Cary Grant. But, alas, you’re the sub captain in a shark/octopus movie, which makes you expendable.
Helmsman....Dustin Harnish (100 Million BC, 18 Year Old Virgin, The Terminators)
Sonar Chief....Stephen Blackehart (Tromeo and Juliet, Rockabilly Vampire, 100 Million BC, PG Porn) I refuse to make fun of you for being gainfully employed, Stephen Blackehart.
Marine Biologist....Dana DiMatteo (Transmorphers: Fall of Man)
Deputy...Myles Cranford (Mega Piranha, Titanic II, Milf)
Naval Officer...Dana Healey (Dr. G: Medical Examiner)
Weapons Officer....John Bolen (The Call of Cthulhu)
Japanese Typhoon Captain....Larry Parrish (The Republic) In the back of your mind was the thought that playing a Japanese sub captain would make you as cool as Toshiro Mifune. But, see above.
Typhoon Navigator....Aki Hiro (Amateur Porn Star Killer 3D: Inside the Head)
Admiral Scott....Russ Kingston (Kitten vs. Newborn) You’re probably thinking “If only Kitten vs. Newborn had the kind of giant budget that Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus had.”
Sub Commander...Stephanie Gernhauser (Mega Piranha, Intercourse with a Vampire, Sports Ballz, A Rogue in Londinium)
Sonar Tech...Cooper Harris (Mega Piranha, Intercourse with a Vampire, A Rogue in Londinium)
Destroyer Captain....Matt Lagan (2010: Moby Dick, Titanic II, Mega Piranha)
Navigator....Mikos Zavros
Destroyer Sonar Men....Hunter Ives, John Gilligan (Never get on a boat with a man named Gilligan.)
Radiomen....Michael Allendorf, Colin Broussard
FBI Agents....Nathan Sikes, Daniel Schachtel, Elijah Flores
Blackbird Pilot...David Meador
Pilot/Deck Officer...Jay Beyers (Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, 2010: Moby Dick, Mega Piranha, Transmorphers: Fall of Man, The Dork of the Rings, Harvey Putter and the Ridiculous Premise, Princess of Mars)
Passengers....Michael L. Parisi, Michael Drummond, Molly Drummond, Emily Lavigna, Michelle Hodnett, Silje Gruner, Joey Ruggles, Knayi Clement, Sex Henderson (Princess and the Pony, The 7 Adventures of Sinbad, Mega Piranha, Meteor Apocalypse, Dragonquest, Princess of Mars) Yeah, you’d think with a name like Sex Henderson this guy would have gone a lot further in this business than playing a passenger on a plane eaten by a shark.
Flight Attendant...Dana Tomasko (Meteor Apocalypse, 2012: Supernova, MegaFault) MegaFault? How did I miss that one? Are they going to make a sequel called MegaFault vs. Giant Cloud?
Sailor...Brandon Plemons
Background persons...Conrad Lihilihi, Rebecca Helm, Andre H. Bassett, Artem Shatokhin, Jason Covington, Alan Woods
Background....Craig Childress (also a Background Partygoer in 18 Year Old Virgin)
Jay Cynik (Zombies of Mass Destruction, Punch) Angela Guerrero, James Rolls, Julia Torchine, Sharon Stockbridge (Sunday School Musical) Some people are background “persons” and some people can only aspire to background personhood.
Michael Masters....David William James Elliott (Malcolm in the Middle, Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Teen Titans, That ‘70s Show, Hitman, The Dark Knight)
Oil Rig Supervisor...Jack Perez (aka Ace Hannah, the director of this film)

Director of Photography....Alexander Yellen (Titanic II, 2010: Moby Dick, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus) Other people just can’t capture the cinematic beauty of giant sharks the way Mr. Yellen can.

When you have a director whose other credits are Wild Things 2, The Mary Kay Letourneau Story, Monster Island the only reasons I can think of for doing this film under a fake name are delinquent taxes, delinquent child support or some sort of arcane Director’s Guild rule about having to pay extra dues for making a shark movie. Seriously, what do you have to gain or lose by using your real name on this film? Ace Hannah? Did you think it would matter to me if you used a directorial nom-de-plume that sounds like you should be out hunting wildebeest or finding cursed diamonds guarded by monkeys?

This film is about climate change, oceanic weapons testing and corporate greed. It’s also about a giant shark and a giant octopus who are pitted against each other in an eternal struggle of titanic proportions. But it’s never really about the giant monsters, is it? It’s not like this is a monster film which genuinely revolves around the struggle between the monsters. Ultimately it’s all about how the humans can put the large fishy genies back in the bottle--or, in this case, back on/in ice.

Now, the opening credits feature some of the most magnificent shots of snow-capped mountains ever seen on film. Truly. I can’t believe this was shot specifically for this film, but it doesn’t matter, because it is truly beautiful footage, even if a snow covered mountain range is not the image I would naturally select as the background for the words “Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus.” We do eventually get some underwater shots (a school of fish, a tiny research submarine, a hammerhead shark) before we are told that we are in the Chukchi Sea off the coast of Alaska where the Aviation & Missile Command is conducting Sonar Testing. This consists of blowing crap up next to a glacier. Unbeknownst to them (and vice versa) there are some marine biologists conducting research of their own as large chunks of glacier just keep falling off. (See, I told you it was about climate change.)

Emma: Vince, it’s okay. Why are you so nervous?... Just relax and enjoy it. There’s poetry here.
And if the movie ended right now, I’d have to call it a winner. You will notice that she is speaking this line while her right hand his gripping the joystick control of the submarine. And while the poetry in question is an unusual school of hammerhead sharks, it’s pretty to imagine these lines in another context.
So, the military industrial complex is testing sonar and launching missiles into the glacier. This is the dumbest test of military technology since George Washington walked around Valley Forge with pumpkins on his feet instead of shoes. The government sonar sends a huge herd of whales right at Deborah Gibson and her tiny submarine. Then the government helicopter (cleverly disguised as a civilian model), crashes into the glacier. This causes a near fatal situation for the tiny vessel of science, but for a brief second we see a large shark frozen in ice just as the ice starts to crack. Now, in the real world that would mean that there’s a large frozen shark stick that is about to sink straight to the bottom. But we know the title of the film, so we know that this means the shark was cryogenically frozen and is now ready to shake off its slumber and resume it’s position as contender for the role of apex predator. Also, a large octopus/squidlike thing takes off in the midst of the whales and thus our chief antagonists have taken the field.

Next thing you know we’re on the Kobayashi Subsea Drilling Platform. This subsea drilling platform’s greatest trick was in convincing people that it didn’t exist. Or maybe that was the greatest trick of the giant octopus that eats the whole platform.

And now we’re in Point Dume, California (Previously known as Point Dumb.) where Emma is only now dealing with the aftermath of her disastrous Alaskan adventure. Did they just fly all the way back down to California on the same day, or was she so traumatized that it’s taken her a couple of days to start comprehending the giant sea beasts she thinks she saw? Here at Point Dume there’s a mammoth whale carcass on the beach and Dick Ritchie is there to tell everyone that the wounds on it were caused by a tanker’s propeller. Yep. They’re seriously still trying the old “it was a boating accident” gag.

EMMA: You know I’m right, Dick. There’s something big out there.
And it’s not you, Dick.

So, the government and its scientific cronies are looking to cover up the evidence of giant sea creatures that are killing regularly large sea creatures. Meanwhile the Japanese are trying to isolate the only survivor of the Kobayashi. And that’s when we switch to a Condor Airlines Flight where we briefly meet a flight attendant and some passengers before the guy who’s getting married in a couple of days says “Holy Shit!” and sees a giant shark leaping up toward the plane. Yes, the Mega Shark is so huge that it can leap thousands of feet into the atmosphere and grab a jumbo jet to eat. I can only imagine that this must be the shark equivalent of biting into aluminum foil, but maybe sharks like the feel of metal crunching on their teeth.

DICK RITCHIE: Want some advice?
EMMA: Nope.
DICK: Don’t love the ocean too much. It doesn’t love you back.
That is so true. The ocean just takes and takes, but it never really gives back. Not the way you want it to. Because it’s a body of water, and most likely not a sentient entity.

Emma and Vince manage to sneak past security in the middle of the night to get samples from the suspicious whale carcass before the cover-up squad pulls it out to sea. Then she meets up with her mentor and they proceed to do science. By “do science” I don’t mean sex. I mean “do science” as in looking through a cheap microscope, putting some things in beakers, then magically digitalizing a mound of data which a magical computer proceeds to redraw in the shape of a giant shark tooth.

LAMAR: Who do you think it belongs to?
EMMA: I don’t know. You’re the ex-navy paleontologist guru.
LAMAR: Yeah, well that’s true enough.
Let’s hold the boat here for a second as we look at the savage brilliance of this pair of lines. Ex-Navy Paleontologist Guru? Did that require a double major? Not only is that line utterly contemptuous of the mentor/student hero structure (and every little bit of sarcasm directed at the conventions of that tradition is worth its weight in smoked dewback ribs) but it also manages to hamfistedly throw in a chunk of exposition with it.
And then, as if that wasn’t enough the old man says “that’s true enough.” Brilliant. “Why, yes I am an ex-navy paleontolgoist guru, what of it?” We shortly learn that the old man got kicked out of the navy for running aground a nuclear sub to avoid hitting a pod of dolphins.

And then, enter the love story. In this case the love interest enters in the form Dr. Seiji Shumada, who does “wild diving bell” experiments. Let me take a second to appreciate the fact that our main character is a woman and that she is the driving force in this film. From here on out Seiji is definitely a major part of the story, but he is the love interest for Emma and not the other way around. You don’t get to see that often in any film, so I think it’s worth appreciating for a second. Have you taken a second to appreciate that? Good.

SEIJI: Amazing. Two prehistoric creatures suddenly and mysteriously unleashed upon the world.
EMMA: Maybe not so mysteriously. Polar icecaps are melting because of our thoughtlessness. Maybe this is our comeuppance.
And there you have the crux of the environmental guilt theme of this film. If we weren’t busy melting ice then maybe we wouldn’t be punished with this fishy scourge.

Speaking of the fishy scourge we have a cocky US destroyer captain who takes on the giant shark and thinks he destroys it. (He’s cocky because his destroyer is actually a battleship, not that the stock footage people care.)
When the captain is informed that the target hasn’t been destroyed he says “It rises.” This is the most ridiculous line I’ve heard since...well, since the other day when I saw Darth-freaking-Vader screaming “Nooo!” So, actually, “It rises” is no longer the most ridiculous line I’ve ever heard. The destroyer/battleship is then consumed by the shark, whose lust for metal has clearly been ignited by the jumbo jet appetizer he/she consumed earlier. About now the Mega Shark should be looking for an old schooner to use as a toothpick.

Then the government shows up to cart off our heroic trio to the Treasure Island Naval Air Command center where they are held in a darkish room.
LAMAR: Same lighting as Guantanamo.
SEIJI: I feel very secure.
And the secret government detention jokes continue.

BAXTER: Don’t look so worried, Doctor Shimada. You’re not going to Manzanar.
GIBSON: No, Manzanar was for Americans.
BAXTER: Very good, Miss McNeil.
Manzanar was one of the detention facilities for Japanese-Americans during World War II. Suddenly this film got a lot more interesting as the main characters have taken on a curiously anti-authoritarian bent. We knew this layer of conflict was going to pop up, but this is a seriously bitter fight.

BAXTER: I suppose you’re wondering why we’ve wrested you from your lovely slumber.
How did he know their slumber was lovely?
LAMAR: Let me guess...Our country needs us.
BAXTER: Kewpie doll for the Irishman.
Wait a minute! There are prizes? If I answer the next one right do I win a pint of Guinness?

So, the guy with the ponytail wants our trio’s help in going after the Shark and the Octopus. But they won’t cooperate unless he gets a haircut and then assures them that the plan for the animals is strictly containment and not annihilation. And they do have a point. I mean, how many chances are you ever going to get to see a giant shark and a giant octopus. On the other hand, one of them ate a drilling platform and the other one ate an airplane and a ship, so is corralling them into Tokyo Bay and San Francisco Bay really all that feasible? How do you make sure they stay where they’re supposed to? They eat ships and large structures. I don’t think you’ll be able to contain them in the bay.

At any rate, more “science” is done, this time in a fancy lab that is lit like an Erasure video. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever seen an Erasure video, so maybe it’s more like what I’d imagine an Erasure video would be lit like. And if I was going to kiss Deborah Gibson, it would probably be in the middle of an Erasure video. Anyhow, Seiji and Emma share a kiss in the lab. And, because doing science makes people incredibly horny they take a walk all the way to the broom closet (yes, you can actually see the brooms and mops) and they play around with their own mega shark and giant octopus. Okay, we don’t actually see any sharks or octopi in this scene and it’s tastefully short and skips directly ahead from pre action to post action. More “science” is then done. My favorite part was when the heroic trio is kneeling in front of a countertop to see Emma pour something into a flask causing the liquid to glow.
I’m guessing they couldn’t use any of the existing glowing chemicals in the world and thus had to discover something that would make a shark or octopus glow. Actually, I’m not guessing anything because I, like the rest of the audience, don’t really care about the actual merit of the “science” they’re doing. They might as well be eating shrimp and reading Henderson the Rain King for all we care. That’s the counterpoint to all of the “we melted the ice and caused this” hand-wringing in this film. Because it’s the lack of real scientific curiosity perpetuated by the entertainment industry that isn’t helping the world. “My brain hurts when you talk about real science. Show me some real housewives from rich zip codes now!”

So, what is all this glowing science leading to? The plan is to lure each of the beasts into a bay by synthesizing pheromones for them. This is a metaphor for the entertainment industry, luring people into their traps with the promise of sex.

BAXTER: How can we be so sure they’re gonna take the bait?
LAMAR: Those guys have been frozen in ice for millions of years. Wouldn’t you be a little horny?
I’m a little horny now just thinking about being frozen in ice for millions of years. But what if they’re not horny? What if they’re just sad that all their friends are dead? Or, worse yet, what if they’re sad AND horny?

EMMA: I keep thinking about Einstein and Oppenheimer. The magnitude of it. The destruction.
Speaking of destruction, the octopus scores a point for swatting down a jet fighter, but the shark sates its taste for warships with another destroyer in San Francisco Bay and then it actually takes a bite out of the Golden Gate Bridge. Oops. Guess being teased with the idea of sex only makes a shark hungry for more metal.

Meanwhile the octopus makes a noise that sounds like Jabba the Hutt and gives chase. There are multiple submarines in the water chasing around the shark and the octopus. The game is afoot.
This is when Stephen Blackehart gets to say the line that every submariner has always dreamed of saying someday.
Captain! Octopus approaching. 300 metres off the port bow.

There’s a tense moment when the helmsman on the US sub goes nuts and pulls a sidearm on the captain but this is resolved with Emma’s right hook and Lamar’s experience as a submariner.
From here on out it’s all Mega Shark and Giant Octopus action. The shark is so powerful that it can shrug off direct hits from torpedoes. (That’s Godzilla level strength.)
In a disappointing case of mutual killing the shark and the octopus kill each other. (The shark makes a sound like a wounded weasel as the octopus crushes it with it’s last bit of energy.)
LAMAR: Looks like they’ve finally finished what they started 18 million years ago.
In a way, it’s like a western where two aging gunslingers meet up after many years only to die together.
It’s refreshing that this film lets the two creatures die without a hint of bringing one or both of them back from the grave and it’s nice that the heroic trio all survive (even Lorenzo Lamas, the minion of intrusive imperial government makes it). Seiji and Emma have found love and a quiet stretch of beach to enjoy the sunset.
But the call of adventure is still there as Lamar shows up with a file about some sort of odd life form in the North Sea and Seiji and Emma light up because this means more science, danger and broomcloset sex.

So, in the case of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus I have to say that the effects were good enough for a couple of fun sequences and the story is...well, it’s not the most awful thing in the world. If you want to see a shark eating a bridge or a jumbo jet or an octopus smoking a submarine like a cigar, or if you just like Deborah Gibson, then this is your movie.

In the end, the critique of scary government is subsumed (the government is less scary when it's being eaten by a shark or an octopus) there isn't a real corporate villain at the end, so it really is an adventure movie with science. Or "science."

The Lady's Not For Eating

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)
Directed by David Worth
Screenplay by Scott Devine & William Hooke

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon may be about a bigger shark than Shark Attack 2, but it just doesn’t have the same charm. I know it’s ridiculous to talk about charm when it comes to comparing Shark Attack 2 and Shark Attack 3, but since the other salient features are roughly the same (same pig-dog sharks growling, same “should we close the beach down?” plot) you really have to find something to distinguish them from each other. You’d think that the giant shark would be enough, but one of the failures of this film is that it doesn’t really establish the gross size of the shark until late in the game and even then it is neither consistent not effective. Any creature 60 feet long is a bit scary. Even a 60 foot beaver would scare the living crap out of people. But somehow we can never get a good sense of scale in this film.

Ben Carpenter, beach security.....John Barrowman (Captain Jack from Doctor Who & Torchwood)
Cataline Stone, a paleontologist.....Jennifer McShane (Shark Attack, U.S. Seals)
Chuck Rampart, an old navy man....Ryan Cutrona (The West Wing, Mad Men, 24)
Luis Ruiz, the man who runs Play del Rey resort.....Bashar Rahal (U.S. Seals, Sharks in Venice, 24, Conan the Barbarian)
Ruiz’s Girlfriend.....Petya Evtimova (2nd AD for this film as well as Raging Sharks, Hammerhead, Alien Hunter and 1st AD for Sharks in Venice, Mansquito and Conan the Barbarian)
Esai, beach security man......George Stanchev (Octopus, Alien Hunter)
Radio Tech.....Plamen Manasiev (U.S. Seals, Alien Apocalypse)
Sonar Chief....Krasimir Simeonov (U.S. Seals, Hammerhead)
Ramirez, a local stud....Ivo Tonchev (Mansquito, Raptor Island)
Sherry, a girl from Frisco....Rosi Chernogorova (Alien Apocalypse)
Hector, a helicopter pilot.....Plamen Zahov (Shark Zone, U.S. Seals II)
Wife, a wife of someone....Anya Pencheva (Anya is apparently a renowned Bulgarian actress, though you wouldn’t know it from this film)
Diver #1.....Dany Boy (The pipes are calling him.)
Security Guard Todd, a security guard....Bocho Vasilev (U.S. Seals)
Mr. Tolley, the man behind Apex Communications....Harry Aneachkin (Cyclops, Night Train, Mega Snake, Mansquito, Boa vs. Python, Alien Hunter, U.S. Seals, Octopus 2: River of Fear, Grendel)
Chimpy....Jordan Karadjov (How miserable is it to play a character named Chimpy? This is what I’d like to know.)
Davis....Nikolay Sotirov (Boogeyman 3, Hammerhead, Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys, Boa vs. Python, Dracula Rising)
Freidman...Atanas Srebrev (Lake Placid 3, Sharks in Venice, Monster Ark, Copperhead, Grendel, Hammerhead, Mansquito, Raging Sharks, Raptor Island, Boa vs. Python) This guy is like the glue that holds Bulgarian-American filmmaking together.
Paul....Miroslav Marinov
Harry....Velizar Peev (Hammerhead, Mansquito, Cyclops, Ninja) They call him Mister Peev. Scott....Atanas Georgiev (Yet another stuntman.)
Gina....Malina Georgieva (A stuntwoman.)
Shift Supervisor, a supervisor of shifts....Vencislav Kisyov (Soraya, Boris I, and he played Karl Marx in Bulgarian mini series about Karl Marx)
Bartendress.....Niki Nikova
Bartendress...Dessi Morales aka Desislava Nikolova-Morales (Night Train, Boa vs. Python, Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys, Harpies)
Diver Terrorists......Vladko Stoyanov
George Stoyanov (a sculptor)
Peter Petrov
George Rosen

Cinematography by David Worth

First off, this film shouldn’t be confused with another film that is just called Megalodon. I don’t know why it shouldn’t be confused with that one, but just try to keep them straight. Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is well-known (or at least moderately notorious) in some quarters because of a line that occurs late in the...ahem...film.

Cataline: I’m exhausted.
Ben: Yeah, me too...but...you know, I’m really wired. What do you say I take you home and eat your pussy?

It is worth noting that the line was an ad-lib by John Barrowman intended to make Jennifer McShane laugh. You can see him smirking before he says it and you can see her about to lose it just before we cut away to the obligatory shower sex scene. (Sadly, we never find out if he delivers on his initial offer or not.) It is also worth noting that David Worth and his editor obviously know comic gold when they hear it because they decided to keep this joke and use it in the final cut. (Not only that, but the scene tag for it on the DVD is titled “Cat Lover.” See, it has a triple meaning, because her name is Cat so Ben is a “Cat Lover” in more ways than one. I don’t know whether to laugh or cough up a furball at that.) It says a lot about their respect for the...ahem...script. In fact, if you really want to find yourself in a philosophical conundrum, try to debate which is worse: the writing or the execution. This may be the question for the ages.

While Shark Attack 2 took us to South Africa, this instalment is set on the Pacific Coast of Mexico, a place that is oddly enough inhabited mostly by Bulgarians because it must remind them of Bulgaria. Don’t get me wrong, I make fun of the Bulgarian location but I don’t really mean to denigrate scenic Bulgaria. As I noted in my reviews of the Bruce Campbell Bulgarian films the scenery there is quite striking and beautiful. I just wish Shark Attack 4 would take advantage of the Bulgarian location by acknowledging it in some fashion. (For all of the shark films shot in Bulgaria we really don’t have a Black Sea Shark Attack film out of it.) Then again, it is slightly insane at this point to wish for a Shark Attack 4.

The Terror Has Surfaced
Luckily, that terror is not Casper Van Dien.
As with many such films the cover art for this...ahem...gem of movie making is in many ways more interesting than the actual film. In this case, the cover shows a giant shark about to swallow a small submarine. If only they could actually just deliver on that visual image. The back cover for this film declares that it is “in the tradition of Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.” That’s a little bit like saying that Hotel for Dogs is in the tradition of Cujo and Old Yeller. Okay, that may be going too far. Maybe I just want people to be honest enough to say that Shark Attack 3 is in the “tradition” of Shark Attack and Shark Attack 2. But then, I can understand if you’d want to fire anyone who tried to use that as a sales pitch for your product.

Anyhow, this film is about corporate greed and scheming. It all starts with the laying of a new fiber optic cable. Unfortunately this cable seems to attract giant sharks from their hiding place in the deepest part of the Pacific. The center of evil greed is a corporation named Apex Communication which doesn’t care when its divers are killed while working on their cable. They are, of course, killed by a shark that has been possessed by the devil, which explains why the shark groans like Jabba the Hutt eating a peanut butter sandwich.

Fast forward to six months later and we are at the Playa Del Rey Resort in Colima, Mexico where they have conveniently put up a Mexican flag and a picture of Vicente Fox to let us know that we are definitely not in Bulgaria. This is where we meet Ben of the Playa Del Rey Security Patrol and his lothario buddy Ramirez who is looking to score with a girl from Frisco. (We’ll see much more of them later.) Then we get some topless Bulgarian girls frolicking with a beach ball and otherwise cavorting in the sand. This is to let us know what’s at stake. See, it’s not enough to let us know that a shark is on the loose. You have to let the audience know that this shark is threatening all of the most important accomplishments of Western Civilization, which are quite literally embodied in the form of those nubile women and their handsome man friends relaxing on the beach. Yes, sir. If the apex of humanity can’t take a day off to play tonsil hockey in Mexico without being eaten by sharks then the world will come to a standstill.

Meanwhile our working class proletariat hero Ben is looking to dive for some lobsters while patrolling the beach. This bit of private entrepreneurial activity represents an interesting conundrum of economic philosophy. Does Ben’s desire to use his patrol time to look for lobsters represent bold capitalist initiative, or is he cheating his boss Ruiz of productive activity by taking time from his “patrol” to do this?

Then there’s an old man trying to reel in a marlin while his fishing guide is trying to get some action from a young woman right behind him. This moderately humorous interlude is a set up for our shark to swoop in and eat most of the marlin so that all the old man is left with is the head. This is obviously a parody of The Old Man and the Sea.

So, Ben goes to pick up some lobster for dinner when he finds a shark tooth embedded in the high power cable that is being looked at by two Apex Communications divers. Ben goes home and looks for information about shark teeth on his laptop. When nothing pops up he takes a picture of the tooth with his digital camera. This picture is instantly uploaded (without a wire) and the image is cleaned up so that the tooth appears with a white background. That is some serious magical imagery tech in the hands of our proletarian hero. His image instantly arouses the interest of the paleontologist Cataline at the San Diego Natural History Museum. She has to go to Mexico to see what’s going on.

Ben then finds himself at a table with his boss Ruiz and Mr. Tolley of Apex Communications who is planning a big shindig to celebrate the opening of his Trans-Pacific Cable. Ruiz and Mr. Tolley are in cahoots and they expect Ben to do their bidding.

About now you’re probably feeling a bit anxious to see some serious shark action. That’s where Ben’s buddy Ramirez and his chippy from Frisco, Sherry come in. They’re frolicking on the beach when they decide to go...wait for it...skinny dipping. Well, actually it’s not so much skinny dipping as much as having sex in chest deep water, which I think isn’t really skinny dipping in the strictest sense of the word.

Sherry: Baby, don’t go so far out.
Ramirez: Por que? Sherry: We don’t know what’s out there.
Ramirez: Are you afraid that something is going to swim up and bite your culo?
Yes, that is precisely what she is afraid of, Ramirez. And she should be afraid of that, because that culo represents the apex of Western Civilization, after all.

Luckily for Ramirez, Sherry and the Western World, the shark in the water merely attacks and kills a seal. But then there’s a shot of a shark carcass floating on the surface and the next shot is of Ben looking at half a shark carcass which he identifies as a sand tiger shark. I’m guessing what happened was that this shark was bitten in half by the larger megalodon, but the combination of images is so confusing that they might as well have said that Lee Harvey Oswald shot the smaller shark.

Anyhow, enter the paleontologist dame. Cat and Ben flirt and he donates the tooth to her in the name of science. She graciously accepts the tooth and then secretly calls her people to send a film crew because she is now sure that she’s on the trail of a real live megalodon. Why, it’s more exciting than the discovery of the coelacanth!

Next thing you know we’re watching a scene of drunken nighttime revelry and a horny punk couple breaking into a waterpark so they can make out while going down a waterslide. The slide dumps them in the harbor right into the gaping maw of the grunting shark (if you play the soundtrack backward the shark is saying “Quint is dead.”).

Now, I say “gaping maw” because if this film had spent some money more wisely that would be an awesome shot, instead I should have said gaping heart of darkness since it’s just a bunch of dark water and the occasional sight of shark teeth. Granted, if I was in a dark harbor all it would take to scare the jeebus out of me would be the sight of a row of teeth. The more inexplicably creepy part of this scene is the random shot of a person of ill-defined gender (if it’s a guy, then it’s a guy who looks like Wanda Sykes) taking off a clown mask after obviously witnessing the waterslide couple’s demise. I’m not sure what the heck that was about.

Ben: It’s serious. We found a guy’s leg near a beach where he was playing frisbee with his dog.
Cat: Oh my god.
Threat Level Frisbee! Call out the Federales!

Ben: Cataline Stone, Paleontologist, San Diego Natural History Museum...so I guess this means you’re not a marine biologist after all. You lied to me? Why?
To be quite honest, I’m not sure why I lied to you other than because the screenwriters thought it would up the stakes of the conflict if I was keeping something from you and you had a reason to distrust me, while at the same time not making my secret be so bad as to make my character completely unsympathetic.

Cat: It’s like finding a tyrannosaurus rex in your backyard.
Ben: You know, Cat. I don’t see that as a good thing.

So, the next day Ben and Cat track the large shark and find it heading toward the resort where it eats a drunken boater and then pulls the line of a woman on a parasail, you know for dessert. Cat and Ben’s reaction shots during this sequence are priceless pieces of overreaction. On the bright side, Cat manages to save the parasailer woman’s necklace in the botched rescue moment, so at least there’s some material gain in the midst of tragedy. Now we get to the traditional “closing of the beaches” conflict scene. Ben wants the beach closed so that he can hunt the shark. Ruiz wants the beaches open.
Ruiz: People pay a lot of money to come down here and they expect to use everything including the beaches. Exactly what is entailed by “everything” in this statement? Does it include people?

Ben and Cat now team up with the old navy man Chuck Rampart who suspects something is rotten in Apex Communications.
Chuck: In the 80’s AT&T had problems with sharks biting through their fiber cables. Chuck finds out that there have been a string of deaths related to the Apex cables which are attracting sharks. He goes to confront Apex’s main man, but he is easily contained because of the power of corporate wealth. (And because security shows up to take him out of the building.) Mr. Tolley: My lawyers will have a field day with you. They are the real sharks.
If only this was followed by a scene of his lawyers swimming in an aquarium and tearing apart a seal.

In the water Cat’s cameramen are eaten in one gulp by a digitally enlarged shark and she and Ben are barely rescued from the gaping maw of the megalodon by Hector the helicopter pilot. Now Ben goes back to Ruiz to report that he’s got a 60 foot shark swimming along and consuming everything in sight. They’re going to need a bigger beach.

Ben, Cat and Chuck are now out to kill the shark with or without Ruiz’s blessing and outside assistance. Luckily, not only does Chuck have a small submarine, but he also snagged a Mk 44 torpedo he filched from his decommissioned navy sub. Lucky for us, Chuck Rampart wasn’t holding on to that torpedo for an act of terrorism, he was holding on to it for some patriotic shark killing.

And now we arrive at the moment of infamy. It’s the night before the big battle and Chuck heads off to get a good night of sleep, but Cat and Ben, while exhausted, surely, are also a little wired. So when Ben suggests some cunnilingus to relieve some of their tension Cat agrees and they proceed to go at it in the shower.

And then we’re off to kill the shark. Ben and Chuck head off in the submarine and Cat keeps tabs on them from the helicopter. Meanwhile Ruiz and Tolley get their giant boat under way for the big party. You have to hand it to the evil capitalists, they really do believe things will be okay for them. Ruiz, though, takes the precaution of bringing a bag of grenades with him, just in case they do have to deal with a shark. The self-destructive capacity of greedy capitalism is clearly portrayed by Tolley, whose reaction to Ruiz’s bag of grenades is “Good.” See, any person with an ounce of self-preservation would say, “why don’t we move the party to dry land?” And Ruiz’s girlfriend doesn’t budge an inch from his arm or even change her affected smile a bit while he totes a bag of grenades. Again, this would be the moment when a sane person would say “hey, maybe I shouldn’t be hanging out with a guy who brings a bag full of grenades on a party boat.”

Needless to say, the party boat gets attacked. A whole lifeboat is swallowed by the shark in one of the cheapest effects shots since the 1930s. Tolley tries to escape on a jetski but only ends up shooting himself right into the...well...the gaping maw...of the megalodon. There is some tense business with getting the torpedo to fire and finally Chuck and Ben have to leave the submarine in the clenched maw of the megalodon while the torpedo homes in on the sub and a nearly atomic explosion destroys the sub and the megalodon and causes a tremendous shock wave which luckily doesn’t kill anyone who wasn’t already dead from the shark attack.

But, in typical bad horror fashion we are barely allowed a moment of rest in the lifeboat on the surface before we get some ominious music and the camera submerges and then...credits roll. Really? Did we need the ominous thing? Why not just give us this one moment of victory? Sure, there are more monsters lurking in the deep. Whatever. Just stop with the ominous stuff. Let the movie end.

I guess in a way the ending there is a metaphor for the Shark Attack series itself. It just doesn’t know when to quit. And in another way, this film is a metaphor for shark films in general, which like the megalodon were thought to be extinct back in the days of Jaws the Revenge, but which have come back from the depths in ridiculous forms thanks to the new monster movie renaissance. And so, as bad as this film is...and it is very bad...it is part of a project that I find terribly amusing...the rebirth of monster movies. Shark Attack 3 is not the best of these movies, but there has to be some competition out there to give us things like Sharktopus. Now, if the Shark Attack gang ever gets Thorsten Kaye from Shark Attack 2 back for another film, then we’d have a serious bit of competition going on. Anyhow, I’d love to say more but I’m exhausted, and also really wired...

Slaughter at Camp Groundhog

Camp Slaughter (2004/2005)
Directed by Alex Pucci
Screenplay by Draven Gonzalez

If you find yourself nostalgic for old school summer camp slasher fun, then this film is literally right up your sick and twisted alley. The only shame is that this film isn't actually set on Groundhog Day with the killer dressing up in a groundhog costume and gnawing people to death. That would have been an awesome twist.

Daniel, a nice looking jerk from the past...Kyle Lupo (Teenage Dirtbag, The Frightening)
Jen, an annoying girl from the present....Anika C. McFall (He Who Finds a Wife, He Who Finds a Wife 2: Thou Shall Not Covet; Nora’s Hair Salon 3: Shear Disaster) Her next film will probably be He Who Finds a Wife 3: The Final Finding.
Mario, a gay guy from the present....Matt Dallas (Kyle XY) If you were wondering where Kyle XY was just before he did that show, now you know.
Angela, a sad girl from the present who looks like a young Carrie Fisher....Joanna Suhl (If you were wondering who Joanna Suhl was and what she has ever been in, now you know.)
Rueben, a mute (or so he would have you believe)....Miles Davis (You thought he was dead, but he’s back and ready to play some cool jazz) Miles Davis looks so young and healthy (and white) in this film that I could hardly believe he was already dead for nearly 14 years when it was made. If you’re a fan of jazz music you absolutely have to see this movie.
Vade, a mostly dumb goomba from the present....Eric McIntire (One Tree Hill) One Tree Hill is sort of like Nepal. I know that it exists, but I’ve never been there.
Ivan....Jon Fleming (Will & Grace, Dante’s Cove, Frat House Massacre) Apparently this film was cast out of a male modeling agency.
Michelle, a big girl who likes to make weapons...Bethany Taylor (Frat House Massacre, Survival Camp) Planning on doing a film where young people are being slaughtered in a cabin? Not without Bethany Taylor, you’re not.
Paul Marq....Brendan Bradley (Video Game Reunion, Elevator, The Legend of Neil)
Lou, an alcoholic handyman....Jim Marlow aka Jim Hazelton (I’m not sure what kind of scheme involves doing a film like this under and assumed name, but I’m going to assume that it has to do with cheating on taxes or child support.)
Elizabeth....Jessica Sonneborn (A Lure: Teen Fight Club, Agua Caliente, Bloody Bloody Bible Camp)
Nichole....Ashley Gomes
Patrick....Ikaika Kahoano (Supergator, Making the Band) I think it’s some sort of new rule that reality show people have to do horror films.
Tommy....Troy Andersen (Survival Camp)
Jay...Philip Jess
Valerie...Galen Allis
Joey/Cassio....Matthew Catanzano
Drowning Boy...Brain Cobb (I know this name is probably a typo or yet another attempt to evade taxes or arrest warrants, but I will admit to spending some time hoping that there is someone out there named Brain Cobb.)
Tobe/Rodrigo....Joshua Finn
Daxx/Iago....Justin Fortune-Creed
Linda....Amanda Gallagher
Mark...Jesse Curtis
Ian....Silas Hagerty
Paul....Ben Hills
Tina....Kate Jurkiewicz
Wesley....Kyle Langan
Billy....Adam Maganzini
Ben....Jason Morris
David....Lacy Ponsart (This is someone who should consider changing his name to Brain Cobb.)
Nikki....Autumn Sacramone
Laura......Jillian Swanson (Killer Campout, Killer Pickton, Diary of a Cannibal, The Raven, The Tomb)
Kevin/Othello....Gustavo Taveras (The good news is that you get to play Othello. The bad news is that it’s a play within a play in a slasher movie.)

Usually when an old movie is remade or an old series rebooted there is an element of nostalgia involved in the project that harkens back to the time of the original. At least, you’d think so. But in modern business terms the only nostalgia is for the money that the original raked in. The result of this process is that most of the time these new stories suffer from a serious lack of intellectual parentage. What I mean by this is that something like the latest Friday the 13th remake is disconnected from the past because it is a conscious rewriting of the ideas of the past and at the same time even the nominal connection with an artifact from the past takes away from its ability to break new ground in the present. And nominal is the key word here, because most of the time these remakes really don’t get what was so damn special about the original. I pick on Friday the 13th particularly here because the latest remake went out of its way to piss on the one thing that was key to the original: the summer camp.

Summer camps are perfect for all kinds of stories because they represent a liminal space and time. They are associated both with the innocence of childhood and the adolescent acquisition of life experiences and the journey into adulthood. They’re also dark, smelly and bug-infested and sometimes run and staffed by psychopaths, sociopaths and just plain strange people. At least, this is my understanding of summer camps since I was never sent off to a real all-summer extravaganza like these camps. But then, in my corner of Texas summer was similar to a summer camp minus the idiots in matching t-shirts too busy having sex with each other to stop kids from drowning.
See, the whole idea of summer camps has become a mythological territory informed as much by fiction as by any actual experiences. At least for me, because my summers were closer to Stand By Me than Friday the 13th.

This is where Camp Slaughter comes in. It is the kind of film a Friday the 13th reboot should have been. It is quite literally an exercise in nostalgia because it takes a group of friends from the present and strands them in a camp that is caught forever in a time loop of the day before and the day of an old-school slasher massacre in 1981. Yes, I just spoiled the big twist for you. But here’s the thing, if I hadn’t been wading through a stack of slasher films for pure research I wouldn’t have stumbled upon this film. And if I didn’t know to expect something more interesting than “slasher kills teens at a camp” I wouldn’t be interested in seeing this film. Whereas if you tell me that this is “group of friends wander into a camp that is stuck in a time loop where slasher kills teens at a camp” then suddenly there’s something more interesting to the premise. Having lived through 1981 I can assure you that there’s nothing cool about the idea of being stuck in 2 days of 1981 forever even if you’re not being hunted and killed at a summer camp.

But a film where the central premise is that some unsuspecting young folks stumble upon a camp stuck in a repetitive time vortex? That’s a great premise for a story. If this had been the premise of that hockey-puck shaped turd of a Friday the 13th remake then it might have been sheer genius. Instead we got a hockey-puck shaped turd of a film on one hand and a small film with an interesting premise. Corporate group-think and L.A. screenwriting gurus have effectively killed interesting stories. Thanks for that. Try some mustard flavored sow urine with that hockey-puck shaped turd that you call a film.

But it’s not like Camp Slaughter is anything more than imperfectly executed film with a decent premise.
In fact, that about describes the film in a nutshell.

The film begins with a scene of slaughter from the original night of death and then credits roll and suddenly we’re following some crazy kids in a Hummer entering Maine (Welcome to Maine: The way life should be). You’ve got your asshole goomba driver, the sad girl (wonder what her dark secret is?), the sassy black girl in the Jamaican knit cap and matching bra and the guy who is asleep.

We’re lost.
VADE: Please. I know these roads like the back of my dick.
I’m curious as to what his definition of the “dick back” is. Does he mean the underside of his dick? Is it that much more dumb to say "I know these roads like the underside of my dick?"

Suddenly it’s night and they’re stuck on the road to Camp Hiawatha and some mysterious force is flinging mud at their windshield and suddenly everyone is freaking out, except for the sleeping guy. Sad girl sees blood and dead people and there’s the obligatory “cell phones are not working” moment that has become a paramount device for the suspension of disbelief in the contemporary horror film. (Seriously, why not just have the cell phones work but have them constantly being routed to a lazy dispatcher who just doesn’t bother sending help.)
Suddenly it’s morning and the gang of four is discovered by the denizens of Camp Hiawatha who are confused by the military vehicle and the strange fashions of the modern kids.

Are you guys from Europe?

And then we’re introduced to the mannish girl who has been Camp Hiawatha’s archery champ for the last two years. She even makes her own arrows. This is what we call a clumsy bit of early exposition to make you either distrust her expertise in weapon making (she likes arrows, thus she must be a killer) or expect her to be a key component of the rescue squad (she makes arrows, thus she can save them from the killer). Meanwhile there’s a guy back in the kitchen of the camp cutting up meat ominously and we notice that the cars in the parking lot are an old pickup truck, an old station wagon and an old Buick or Olds. Meanwhile a crying kid eating a candy bar alone in the woods without a shirt on is killed by someone who just reaches around the tree and chokes him to death. This is the first of many reasons that you can say that this film suffers from a good concept poorly executed. The laughability factor in this death--well, I guess it would be more tolerable if it was went even further over the top and then at least it would be really laughable. Incidentally, dying in the woods with chocolate smeared all over your face and chest really doesn’t look good, because chances are pretty good that nobody stumbling onto your corpse will think that you were eating chocolate.

The next death is the traditional make-out death. In this case the guy hears something (sounded like an arrow zooming by to me) sees nothing and starts kissing the girl without noticing that she’s just lying there with her eyes frozen in space, blood trickling out of her mouth and, oh yeah, an arrow sticking of the side of her neck. I don’t know what kind of roofie swilling camp girls he’s been used to making out with, but you’d think a person would notice when they’re dealing with the dead or nearly dead. Of course, the fact that she died quietly with an arrow to the neck (which considering the fact that she was almost completely prone when she was hit would require a shot from almost ground level--a feat of bizarre supernatural skill) is also hard to believe unless the arrow somehow got penetrated all the way to the brain in that shot. Still, not even a bit of twitching? The guy runs away only to find his head caught between a tree trunk and a strap that is progressively tightened until his head breaks.

In the cabins Mario and Vade figure out that the camp is stuck in 1981. (Thanks to Time magazine and Brooke Shields.)

MARIO: Dude, you haven’t noticed anything?
VADE: It’s fucked up.
MARIO: That’s it?
VADE: It’s Maine. What do you expect?

Meanwhile the 1981 gang is working on a production of Othello. I wish I could see a deeper significance to that choice, but there probably isn’t one. Though I think it would be a brilliant idea if someone did a production of Othello where the citizens of Venice were putting on a play about a slasher who kills people at a summer camp.

Then we get a fugue-like reprse of the make-out deaths with a new annoying couple who die while having sex.

HIM: I haven’t cum yet. Are you going to let me finish?
HER: Tough shit. I came.

Ah, young summer camp love. This joyful reverie is interrupted when the girl realizes she has some sort of multiple pronged thing coming out of her belly. This means that she would have had to have taken a pitchfork to the back that got all the way through her spinal column before she died. On the other hand her body weight (she’s not that big) and the couple of inches of pitchfork sticking out front from her seem to be sufficient to kill the guy she was riding simply by slumping over on him. (I know, sometimes it’s best to ignore the ridiculous physics of horror films, but I’d be willing to go along with it if I thought the point was that it was supposed to be completely ridiculous.)

As people discover more bodies the killers (yes, there are more than one) go on a full scale stabbing spree. One of my favorite images is that of a large bowie knife coming down for another stab and it is shiny and clean even though it isn’t even the first stab on this victim.
Does the knife have some auto-clean function to keep it fresh between stabs?

Eventually we get a whole lot of exposition piled on to us just before Angela gets an arrow in the heart. The gist of the story is that some counselors drowned a kid, and then some other kids killed some people and then once he realized that they were stuck in an unending loop exposition guy took it upon himself to make the killers pay by hunting them. It’s really convoluted and not very well set up for us along the way, so I almost appreciated the explainosaurus showing up to tell us what happened. Apparently the four real killers can escape the loop but only if they can sucker in four replacements. Jen manages to drive away in the Hummer but you already have a bad feeling that some of these camp killers are on the loose in the present. Fast forward to a now successful author Jen getting an email from the camp killers and that’s our ending.

So, like I said, an interesting premise shoddily executed with some groaning bad acting and some writing that would make Pat Sajak cringe. I’d like to see someone else take this premise and do something good with it.

Special Features
1. Camp Daze: Behind the Scenes, Directed by Matthew Geiger
I do love behind the scenes bits for horror films and this one is especially fun because the behind the scenes bit uses the original title for the film. I don’t know what the point of the title change was, but if it was because.
I like the notion behind Alex Pucci’s mission statement for ScreamKings. It’s a good idea to take classic horror premises and give them a twist. So, even if I didn’t completely buy this shot, I’m willing to give them another shot, because I’d rather see more interesting misses than a lot of high budget mediocrities. (I’m looking at you, Michael Bay.)
2. Behind the F/X, Directed by Matthew Geiger
Combined with the previous bit this provides some interesting technical effect information.
Matt Corrigan’s recipe for blood: Karo syrup, chocolate syrup, red food coloring and a little blue or green or yellow food coloring for different shades.
3. Extended Scenes
Billy’s Murder
The opening sequence extension involves the girl unbuttoning Billy’s jeans and reaching into the pants to which he responds with “Slow down” which doesn’t make any sense until he says “I need to take a whiz first.” Ah, now that makes sense. The extended death for Billy kills him off by strangling him with a rope while he’s in midstream. I wish this had been in the final cut.
Welcome Sequence
The extended version of our introduction to Camp Hiawatha is a nice addition.
Porch
This is a badly written and awkwardly acted scene. Good cut.
Bow & Arrow
An even lengthier sequence of the explainosaurus telling the story of Camp Hiawatha at the end. I actually like the extra information.
4. Deleted Scenes
Outside the Theater
This is a clunkier version of the time trap discovery as the contemporary group figures out they're stuck in 1981.
The actors look like every line they say can be replaced with “I’m speaking exposition.” Scenes like this are included so that you can stop complaining about the bad acting and writing in the final cut of the movie when you see how much worse this deleted scene is.
Cafeteria Doors
This is a bit of extra suspense with a bunch of cringing people holed up in the cafeteria. The one bit of interesting exposition reveals the reason for this expedition on the part of the contemporary group as Jen tells Angela “The next time you decide to get an abortion just give me the coat hanger.” Jeepers. Considering the fact that the character who utters this line is the only one of the contemporary group to make it back to the future. Wow, that is an unsympathetic survivor. Jeepers, indeed.
Dead Boys Cabin
An extra bit of mayhem and bloody discovery in the boys cabin.
Dead Girls Cabin
See above. Not much special, but I don’t see why you couldn’t have cut it into the film. It’s not like you would have lost anything in the pacing.
5. Why We Hate LA Actors
Sure, it’s a Hollywood actor in a hot tub with two girls getting a neck rub and complaining about New Englanders using the adjective “wicked” but then “wicked” is a dumb adjective so he’s got a point. This bit would be even more funny if it turned out to be real. Then it would be wicked funny.
6. Jesse’s Girl
Yes, it’s a video of people behind the scenes goofing around to the tune of "Jesse’s Girl." It’s similar to the scene of the cast of Saving Private Ryan doing the same thing, only that was less awkward.
7. Production Slide Show
It’s like a summer camp yearbook for people who already feel nostalgic for this film. Remember that scene that we were watching half an hour ago? Yeah, good times.
8. Camp Slaughter Trailer
Shortcuts can be deadly
Thanks, voiceover narrator. You’re really helpful.
These kids look happy...but they’re really trapped...
Just like you, if you’re watching this trailer.
...in a twenty-five year time warp. Every day starts with fun, every day ends with lots of blood. Every day the killing starts over.
And you want ME to give you a spoiler alert? How about Every day starts with a cheese plate and every day ends with cat shit, oreos and death?
Welcome to Camp Slaughter. The only way you’ll see home again...is in a box.
And even in a box, you won’t really see home again. Home will see you.

The Australian Hell

Lost Things (2003)
Directed by Martin Murphy
Screenplay by Stephen Sewell

Hell is a beach in Australia where everything feels vaguely familiar and ominous and where you spend eternity stumbling onto the sight of a drifter going at it doggy-style with that girl you had a crush on and who invited you on this spring break trip only to get you killed. And that drifter might be the devil. Or he might just be the spirit of the guy who killed you and your friends. That’s what I learned from this film.

Gary....Leon Ford (The Pacific)
Brad.....Charlie Garber
Emily....Lenka Kripac (Trouble is a friend of hers)
Tracey....Alex Vaughan
Zippo.....Steve Le Marquand

Cinematography by Justine Kerrigan

Lost Things seemed like it might just be a creepy spring break slasher movie from Oz, but it turned out to be a little more like a spring break slasher movie by Jean Paul Sartre. The whole film is laced with clues that something has already happened and that this is just a form of reenactment.

So the film starts with ominous scenes of Emily’s relationship with an older dude in a camouflage t-shirt and no shoes, none of which make any real sense other than kind of creeping us out about an older guy and a high school girl hooking up. It’s a bad relationship idea and yet you can see why it would happen. It’s not like the guy looks like Bob Hoskins. All of this is brief and impressionistic and the film quickly proceeds to take us on the spring break holiday trip with our four teens in a Volkswagen van. (A combi, in the local lingo.)

The dynamics of gender relations here can be summed up in two moments. One is where they’re lost and trying to figure out where they’re going.
Gary: Boys read maps, girls paint their toenails.

The other is when they’re on the beach and Tracey immediately takes her top off. (She does this not only because this seems to be a typical teens being killed on vacation film but also because the beach is as deserted as the beach in that other Australian classic, On the Beach. The fact that the beach is as abandoned as a post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland should be our next clue that this is not just another slasher movie.)
Emily: Are you going to...you know...with Gary?
Tracey: Noooo....but I’m not going to tell him that.
Emily: Are you a tease?
Tracey: Well, why not? If they don’t think they’re gonna get any they’re not interested and as soon as you give it to them they wanna dump you. Why not have a little tease?

This is really as close as this gets to being a typical teen killer movie. The girls are at odds philosophically about their sexuality and get locked in a contest where the guys (who fancy themselves hunters) are merely pawns.
Shortly after the inevitable awkward contest for attention between the girls and the guys the teens are accosted by an older surfer who tells them to get the hell out. This is Zippo and he seems oddly familiar to Emily. Of course, he’s a smelly homeless surfer, but he does bear a resemblance to that shoeless guy in the beginning. That’s when we get the key piece of information that three people died here at this beach and one disappeared. Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Pinky?
Then we get a weird scene where Emily thinks she sees Brad standing on the shore holding a surfboard and just staring out at the ocean. Then Tracey, also by herself sees someone standing on the shore holding a surfboard and staring at the ocean. This is what the afterlife is for Australians.
The rest of the film consists of a constant stream of deja vu and encore deja vu and for some reason the teens find themselves hanging out with Zippo who scares the crap out of everyone by occasionally saying things like “Having a flashback, there?” or “Remember me now?” It’s pretty decent psychological terror here for a while, though you might find yourself thinking "why don't they just drive away and go someplace else?"
Then while they’re sitting around slicing tomatoes for dinner Brad stabs Zippo because he thinks he had a knife and also because Zippo is a scary smelly homeless guy on the beach. (You know, the kind of homeless smelly surfer who's just begging to be stabbed.) Suddenly things take a turn. Or have they? Or did they already take a turn long ago?
Needless to say, no matter what seems to happen on the surface here, things are going on at another level that requires some serious discussion and perhaps a slice of pie. I have to add that this part has some of the best cinematography especially in the dream like shot of an empty beach covered with surfboard sticking out of the sands like porcupine quills (or blades of blood-red grass) and when Zippo stabs Tracey in the back with his ridiculously big knife (Crocodile Dundee would blush at this monster) these drops of red blood trickle on the sand like rubies and the camera lingers for a moment on her hand and the ring which you realize was in the sand when they got there and thus was always there and thus she was already dead before they came here. Yes, for a second this film because something breathtakingly interesting.

At any rate, the moment you finally realize you’re in Australian hell is when Brad seems to have a breakdown where he can see even himself on the beach and then everyone and then no one and then from a distance he can see Emily on all fours being taken from behind by Zippo, right there on the lonely deserted beach. That is Australian hell. (American Hell is slightly different and involves a midget and a walrus at SeaWorld.) When Brad runs up to either stop it (or join in?) we see that Emily is crying, which is possibly the only thing that makes sense by this point in the film. You’d be crying too if that homeless surfer was doing sex to you on a beach. I use the phrase “doing sex” not to be funny, but because I think that’s the only proper way to describe what this action looks like. It is the opposite of “making love” it’s more like “manufacturing hate/resentment.” This whole bit taps into a kind of special horror/terror place in the mind, the kind that if dwelled upon too long will turn into bizarre forms of obsession. I think it’s one thing to think that a homeless (and let's not forget, smelly) surfer named Zippo (who you were pretty sure you stabbed to death last night) will stab you and your friends to death, it’s a whole other thing to imagine that he’s going to come back from the dead just to have his way with that girl you sort of like. That’s really cold. Colder still is the possibility that you were led to this scene by the girl herself. Man, that is cold. That scenario plays into all kinds of fears. It’s one thing to imagine the girl you like with another guy, it’s another to imagine that not only is she going to turn you down and you will accidentally stumble onto them doing it on the beach (and not even in a particularly pleasurable way), but to think that she’s also going to get you stabbed by a smelly homeless surfer named Zippo is a really horrific thought. This is officially the worst spring break ever, at least in Australia.

So, were they dead all along? It would seem so, though it also seems that their initial story has something to do with Emily needing to get something by coming out to the beach with her friends. In the end, they are clearly ghosts on the beach who can’t communicate with the living people who show up on the beach. (Sure, now they show up. Where were they when Zippo was stabbing everyone with that giant knife of his?)

Emily: No one can hear us now, Brad.
Brad: So did you find what you wanted?
Emily: No. I never found it. I never found it at all. All I ever found was you.
This cryptic exchange is followed by a reversion to the scene on the side of the road with the van when they were still on their way to the beach and this is when you realize that THIS is Australian Hell. A special terrible place where everything you see or do seems vaguely familiar and which is populated by four teens and a smelly homeless surfer named Zippo.
I always knew there was something wrong with people who liked to surf, and Zippo has now officially reinforced that prejudice. Surfers are smelly demons who stab people.

So, Lost Things was surprisingly interesting (in a good way) compared to what I was expecting. I mean, it’s not Memento, but it is pretty good and in its own way genuinely horrifying. I also appreciate the fact that this film does not suffer from the Curse of Explainosaurus which demands that every last detail be explained to the audience. In fact, here’s a film that does quite well by explaining almost nothing along the way. I like films that make me think, and this creepy little film made me think. I’m not saying it made me think in the same way that reading Kafka makes me think--well, then again....maybe it does.

As for Lenka Kripac, I like her singing, but she’s a good actor too and if she gets a role as interesting as this I’ll be there to see it. (As long as she’s not typecast as someone who is in thrall to a smelly homeless surfer/the Devil.)

Previews
1. The Evil One
A ghost story about the Chicago World’s Fair killer come back to life and killing again.
2. sideFX
Vampirism is created by a gypsy drug and now it’s back and vampires are running around and spitting up blood all over the place.
Trailers
1. Centipede
Spelunkers are attacked by a centipede. Luckily they aren’t then turned into a human centipede, so we’re safe from that nonsense.
2. Creepies
Creepies: They Multiply!
Genetically mutated spiders (they look more like ticks) kill lots of people.
Ron Jeremy is in this film. Enough said.
Where do you run from hell on 8 legs? Where do you hide?
Where indeed?
3. Street Tales of Terror
Another Tales from the Crypt in the Hood movie. When did Blacksploitation Anthology Horror become its own subgenre?
4. Darkhunters
Dominic Pinon, Jeff Fahey in a film about dead people who don’t stay dead and souls that need to be put to rest with a little help from a girl with a shotgun.
5. The Wickeds
Who robs a grave on Halloween, in the daytime even?
Ron Jeremy does. And that unleashes a bunch of zombies or some sort of thing like that. There should be a rule against having two Ron Jeremy horror movie trailers on the same disc. It sends a really bad message.

The Wessex Steam-saw Massacre

Small Town Folk (2007-2009)
Directed by Peter Stanley-Ward
Written by Natalie Conway, Peter Stanley-Ward

There are many reasons I took such delight in this odd film. To begin with, look at the copyright years on the film. That’s right folks, that’s years with an ‘s’ as in the plural of year. That and the fact that it cost £4000 to make are your first indicators that this is what a truly independent film looks like. Neither the smallness of a thing nor the fact that it is hand-crafted is a guarantee of quality, but it lends a bit of charm to the film.
The other thing that lends charm is the music. Hard driving folksy music. This is the kind of movie that happy fast paced murder ballads were made for.
What could have been a wretched rural terror film is made charming by the almost whimsical absurdity of the setting and characters as well as the dreamlike cinematography, which makes the most of the limited resources.
Sure, it’s as gruesome as other films where people take a drive in the countryside only to discover a horror show of people disemboweling travellers, but for some reason if you slap a folksy soundtrack to it and give your killers bowler hats and funny lines it becomes almost cute. Almost. Still gruesome, but it is fun.

The Landlord....Chris R. Wright (Emulsion)
Knackerman #1....Howard Lew Lewis (Pennies from Heaven, Reilly: Ace of Spies, Chaplin, Keen Eddie, Brazil)
Knackerman #2....Warwick Davis (Willow! You’ll forgive him for all those Leprechaun movies after this.)
Dobbin.....Dan Palmer
Marcus....Simon Stanley-Ward
Jon...Greg Martin
Susan....Hannah Flint
Pooch....Jon Nicholas
Pike....Ben Richards
Ric....James Ford
Heather.....Sophie Rundle
Shaz.....Tamaryn Payne
Smithy....Chris Musselwhite
Crow Brother #1.....Harrison Hawker
Crow Brother #2....Peter Stanley-Ward
Grockle....James Heathcote
Corpses....Selina Newell
Josh Hawker
James Light

Original Music by David James Nielsen
Cinematography by Peter Stanley-Ward

Small Town Folk is a narrow escape tale. The folk in the title is as much a reference to the kind of folklore genre this story belongs to as it is to the small town folk of Grockleton. Unlike wary traveler tales like Hostel or Turistas or even Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Small Town Folk has a layer of humorous charm to it that gives even the gruesome killing a kind of folksy charm. Again, maybe it’s just that the music and the settings and characters are close enough to a kind of Wind in the Willows meets Frankenstein atmosphere that it’s hard not to remain cheery even in the face of blood, guts and gore. Even the gender issues of the violence are mitigated by the natural bent of the storyline. There are no women left in Grockleton, so they’ve got to kidnap any if they’re going to get any heirs. That’s almost disturbingly wholesome as psycho-killer motivations go in rural terror films. Almost, if it weren't so completely fucked up.

Let me backtrack a second to the opening of the film, where some guy who looks like Waldo from Where’s Waldo? (as opposed to Waldo from The Great Waldo Pepper) runs out of Beesley’s Manor (a little house on a hill) and a voice calls: Run, rabbit. Run, rabbit. Run, run, run. Here comes the farmer with his gun, gun, gun.
After a brief chase and a kill we get to see Waldo killed with a sword (Guy killed me with a sword, Mal...how weird is that?) and then an awesome song for the credits sequence. It’s like The Pogues decided to do their own version of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Then we meet our main couple of lost travelers who are clearly already having a bad day.
Susan: You didn’t see a woodpecker
Jon: Well, no.
Susan: Well then how can you say “I spy a woodpecker” if you didn’t see a woodpecker.
Jon: You don’t actually need to see it, do you?
Susan: Yes, you do, Jon. That’s why it’s called I Spy with my Little Eye. You have to see it.
Jon: Well, I always thought that was kind of hypothetical.
Susan: No.
That moment let’s you know what kind of film you’re dealing with here. If you don’t get at least a dry chortle out of that exchange, then you need to borrow a nickel and buy yourself a gumball and a sense of humor.

Meanwhile the youth contingent rides along on their bicycles in an awkward scene where the mean guy Rick makes fun of the guy with the helmet, Marcus by calling him “Helmet” thus embarrassing him in front of the girls, Heather and Shaz. This is funny because Rick is an awkwardly stupid bully. Also he and Shaz have the longest exchange of ludicrous facial gestures implying sexual activity ever recorded on film.

Then Jon and Susan ask for directions from the Knackermen, who give them directions to Grockleton and then tell them to not go there because nobody ever returns from there. If Warwick Davis tells you not to go someplace, then you shouldn’t go there. He should know. Listen to Warwick Davis. He's smarter than you.

Rick: You know, there’s a very dangerous snake that lives in these parts.
Shaz: Well, that doesn’t scare me. I can handle snakes. Especially big long hard ones.
Rick: Oh. We are talking about my penis, right?
Shaz: Yes, Rick.
The look of disdain that Shaz has on that last line is priceless. The fact that she follows that disdainful look by kneeling says a lot about gender relations. Guys like Marcus can be smarter than guys like Rick, and even a girl like Shaz will recognize that Rick is a complete idiot. But she still plans on blowing him. Luckily or unluckily depending on how you view this relationship, Shaz ends up only getting sprayed with blood when some guy with a burlap sack on his head plunges a sickle into Rick’s groin from behind and then chops at his torso to make sure he’s fully dead. Poor Rick...his snake/penis turns out not to have been the most dangerous thing in these parts.
And then burlap sack guy drags Shaz off by the hair, caveman-style...you know, for the breeding. Heather manages to escape this by hiding behind a tree. This works, no doubt, because burlap sacks reduce visibility and also it’s enough trouble to drag one kicking and screaming girl by the hair across the woods and over a river and through a meadow and whatnot.

Meanwhile, John and Susan make it to Grockleton.
Susan: I’m not seeing it on the map, Jon.
Jon: People make a place, Susan.
Jon’s comment is ridiculously profound. A corollary to that is that scary inbred murderous people make a scary inbred murderous kind of place, but maybe that goes without saying. Inbred people like Pooch, the delightful cross-eyed blind guy who tries to hunt Marcus with a shotgun. While he has no problem hitting a squirrel from a distance, he can’t manage to shoot Marcus, because his aim is a little off, what with the cross-eyed blindness business and all.
In case you thought Marcus and Heather would end up together, I should mention that she gets spitted from behind with the scarecrow’s scythe while Marcus is talking to her. Maybe she would have dated Marcus after this was all over. Maybe she was already kind of into him. Now we’ll never know. And that’s our episode of teen tragedy for today. This is where revenge forces Marcus to become a man.
Marcus: Come and get some, you tit.
Okay, maybe “man” isn’t quite the word for it.

Did I mention the part where the Beesleys chase down our heroes with a steam engine? If only it included a steam-powered chainsaw. That would have been perfect. I’m not entirely sure if the girls in the basement were completely dead or not, but since the Beesley place burns down at the end, it doesn’t quite matter. Collateral damage and whatnot.

Jon: It’s quiet.
Marcus: A little too quiet.
Me: This film is self-aware.
You: A little too self-aware.

What’s interesting is that the Beesleys and the Scarecrow people aren’t quite aligned. It’s nice when a horror film takes the time to have villains with competing interests and complex relationships. In this case the Beesley/Scarecrow relationship seems to be about landowning gentry versus farmer/peasant classes. Interesting from a sociological standpoint. Also, there’s something to be said about the relationship between regular folk and the small town folk that inhabit places like this who are clearly marked as being “different.” If that thought makes your brain hurt you can go back to watching House of Wax.

...luck is never cast in stone.
Next time you’re on your own.

So, the narrow escape story concludes with Jon and Susan and young Marcus escaping (narrowly, obviously). I’d have to say that the Indiana Jones sequence on top of the land cruiser with the crossbow that shoots horseshoes is sheer genius. And if the words “crossbow that shoots horseshoes” doesn’t make you want to watch this film, then I don’t know what will.

In the end, Small Town Folk is a really fun bit of folklore, about as gruesome as something from the Brothers Grimm and a lot less German to boot. I’m still kind of delighted by it. Pikey Tinker Inbred Gypsy Small Town Folk are so much more charming than Leatherface and family.

Extras
1. Audio Commentary
Mostly a family affair, this. Listen and learn about how to make a truly independent movie.
2. Folk Tales: A Grockumentary w/Bonus Music Video
For those of you who can’t get enough of the music.
3. Trailer
It’s like Alice in Wonderland only without Alice and Wonderland is full of people who will kill you and wear your head as a hat.

Previews
1. Kitchen Privileges
Peter Sarsgaard is a creepy guy who cooks up chicken noodle soup with lady fingers. I don't know what this movie is about, but I thought I'd warn you about Peter Sarsgaard.
2. Ghost Son
Giraffes! Hyenas! Zombies! Africa! Laura Harring! Pete Postlethwaite! John Hannah!
It’s like Out of Africa, but with ghosts. Not a sequel to Ghost Dad.
3. Snoop Dogg’s Hood of Horror
I only wish this had been done as an actual TV series.
Snoop Dogg, Brande Roderick, Aries Spears, Ernie Hudson, Diamond Dallas Page, Billy Dee Williams
How could this not be the most awesome African-American Horror Anthology Film of 2002?
4. Blood Ranch
Maybe the best way to combat urban sprawl is movies like this that terrify the shit out of anyone going for a drive out in the country.

Sh'Zone

Shark Zone (2003)
Directed by Danny Lerner
Screenplay by Sam Parish

The Sh’Zone is like a calzone, only it’s made of shark. And if Shark Zone was about a group of wacky and somewhat demented people who were trying to run a fast-food shark restaurant it would be awful and yet much more rich with possibilities than what Danny Lerner has cooked up in this shark film. I wish I could say that Danny Lerner was the John Ford of shark films, but that does neither of those men due credit for their value. Danny Lerner kept monster movies alive when it looked like they were all but gone, except for the occasional reappearance. But rather than let Deep Blue Sea stand as the last gasp of the shark film, Danny Lerner bellied up to the bar and made some just plain awful films. But without the Shark Attack series and such horrors as Shark Zone, Raging Sharks and Sharks in Venice, we wouldn’t have such gems as Sharktopus and other films made by Danny Lerner’s competitors in the continual game of monster-one-ups-manship.

Andrew Wagner, an ex-SEAL....Alan Austin (Guiding Light, Air Marshal, Maximum Velocity)
Jimmy Wagner, his son....Dean Cochran (The Bold and the Beautiful, Meet the Spartans)
Carrie Wagner, Jimmy’s wife....Brandi Sherwood (Miss Teen USA 1989, Miss USA 1997, The Price Is Right, The Bold and the Beautiful, married to Dean Cochran)
Danny Wagner, their son.....Luke Leavitt
Mayor John Cortell, a California mayor....Alan Austin (Two roles in the same crappy movie? I hope they paid him twice as much.)
Volkoff, the Russian Burl Ives, a shady investor....Velizar Binev (Man with the Screaming Brain, Alien Apocalypse) This is some of Velizar’s best work to date.
Boris, a flunky....Plamen Zahov (Shark Attack 3: Megalodon)
Nikolas, another flunky....Alexander Petrov
Vlad, another flunky....Boiko Boyanov
Ilya...Dimiter Dimitrov
Riley, a scuba tourist....Svilena Vlangova
Billy, a scuba tourist....Yulian Vergov (Shark Hunter, Raging Sharks, Mansquito, S.S. Doomtrooper, The Fourth Kind)
Melissa, a scuba tourist....Vessela Neinski
Harker....Daniel Tzochev (Raging Sharks, Alien Siege, S.S. Doomtrooper)
Tyler....Franklin Vallette (Alien Hunter, Mansquito, Octopus 2: River of Fear, Zarkorr! The Invader)
Nick...Kalin Yavorov
Cesar...Martin Dorcey
Corde....Jonas Talkington (THE Jonas Talkington from Man with the Screaming Brain and Alien Apocalypse)
Jordan, a bartender....Stefan Lysenko (Trasharella)
Tesha....Violeta Markovska (Octopus 2: River of Fear, It’s Alive, Copperhead)

Cinematography by Emil Topuzov (Raging Sharks, Mansquito, Hammerhead, Mega Snake, Cyclops)

You know you’re in trouble when a movie like this starts with a Spanish galleon (flying what looks like a Dutch flag) and a narrator talking about lost treasure. What is the deal with sharks guarding treasure? This is the third shark film I’ve seen directed by Danny Lerner (please, shoot me now) and in all three of them the sharks are guarding something. Guard-sharks? Really?
At least the sharks in this film are not 1) dumped in the water by a nefarious mafioso, 2) the result of genetic research, or 3) mutated by radioactive waste from an alien spacecraft.
Also, at least the treasure of the galleon is just plain treasure and not sort of Raiders of the Davinci Grail crap.
I guess at a certain point you just have to accept the small mercies of bad films.

So, the retired Navy SEAL is taking a bunch of tourists on a dive to find the wreck of the Spanish treasure ship. They dive from what looks like a Bulgarian military helicopter. (Because Bulgaria has been secretly sending its army to Oakland for years now.) When they hit the water they are all able to communicate perfectly despite having breathing apparatus in their mouths. (This is a trademark of many of these aquatic monster films. I can't believe I still haven't gotten used to it.) Then they find the ship. Well, actually they find two wrecks, though it’s never clear if that’s part of the plot or just bad editing. They find a remarkably well-preserved wooden hull (apparently this stretch of California waters has no life forms other than sharks to take apart the wooden vessel. But the tourists are also diving around what is clearly another more modern looking steel hulled vessel. None of this matters because before you can say “kelp” there is a pack of great white sharks feasting on everything. The ex-SEAL manages to get his son Jimbo to swim really fast to escape the shark that eats him. I guess all that special forces training doesn’t mean much when faced with a hungry pack of growling sharks. Oh, yeah. It wouldn’t be a Danny Lerner shark film without the trademark pig grunting and tiger growling of these porkers. I kind of wish Lerner would create an MGM style logo with a roaring shark in the middle.

Anyhow, this prelude sets the scene for what happens a few years later. Jimbo is a little older and he’s in charge of keeping the beaches shark free for the local festival of whatever it is these people are celebrating. Jimmy has earned a reputation as being a bit paranoid about sharks. This is natural since he was the sole survivor of a shark massacre in these same waters. In fact, this film is in many ways about PTSD. Jimmy is suffering from a severe case of shark shock. On two notable occasions he has dream sequences where he imagines shark attacks that kill his wife or child. More about this later. The point is, not only is this a film about a son trying to visit some vengeance upon sharks for killing his father, but it’s also a film about grief, sacrifice and psychological trauma.

Of course, you might also say it’s a film about a lifeguard who spends his time watching topless girls on the beach instead of looking out for sharks. The funny thing about the lifeguard is that what he sees are not just inserted scenes, but at least one of these bits is an insert of the topless sunbather from Shark Attack 2. Which means that either the lifeguard’s ogling can break space and time barriers or he is able to break the fourth wall and see other shark films, thus recognizing that he is in a shark film.

So the sharks kill a bunch of people. And this has the business community worried. The mayor needs to find some money to keep his festival afloat. He gets his backing from Volkoff, the Russian Burl Ives. Volkoff’s only stipulation is that he wants Jimmy to help him find the Spanish galleon treasure. This should be easy, because the ship is fully intact next to a kelp bed just off the coast. But Jimmy will have nothing to do with the treasure because that’s where his father died and he won’t go back there. Even though he’s never left the vicinity and is quite willing to ride around in a helicopter just over the same spot every day. And I have to say that despite having dozens of people killed in his town the mayor is one of the most nonchalant relaxed executives I’ve ever seen.
It’s not that human life means nothing to him, but he’s clearly not worried about the scale of the killings. It’s almost like he hasn’t been watching the insert scenes from Shark Attack 2 that show a bunch of people being killed on a beach that is now supposed to be his beach. Or maybe he realizes that the shark attacks are meta-sharks inserted in from another film and thus aren’t really killing anyone at all. As for the populace of his town, if women are still willing to take off their tops and jump off the pier AT NIGHT, then they either aren’t worried or haven’t been keeping up with the news. Of course, people who disappear in a nighttime buffer like that don’t even pop up on the mayor’s radar. Still, after a few dozen more daytime deaths the mayor has to let Jimmy take some action.

So, Jimmy gets together his diving buddies and goes on what has to be the most incompetent raid since Custer went over that ridge at the Little Bighorn. I’m still not sure why Jimmy put his friends into shark cages and then just watched them all get eaten instead of sending them down there with harpoons and other fighting implements. Was he using his friends as bait? Or has he gone insane? So, Jimmy now has to gather a second expedition for even more revenge. Having killed off the rowdiest crew of experience divers in town he finds himself going back to sea with just a bartender to accompany him. Lucky for Jimmy, the bartender isn’t stupid enough to go in the cage and then into the water. Instead he and Jimmy just shoot at the sharks from the boat. Why wasn’t this the original plan to begin with? Granted, they’re still so incompetent that they can only save one of a group of teenagers who are out on the water. But they do manage to shoot a lot of sharks before heading back to town.

And this is where the heist story comes back into play. Because Volkoff wasn’t about to let Jimmy off the hook about the treasure. When Jimmy doesn’t play ball Volkoff kidnaps Jimmy’s son and threatens to dump the kid in the ocean if Jimmy doesn’t show him the treasure. Jimmy rescues his kid and Volkoff and his crew end up getting eaten by sharks. Which raises an important question--how many great whites are in this killer pack of sharks here and why is Jimmy not concerned about this reappearance of his aquatic nemeses?

We’ll never know because Jimmy takes his family on a big cruise ship for a well-earned vacation. And this is where the PTSD sets in again, because just before the ending Jimmy imagines seeing a giant great white rear it’s scary head in the swimming pool of the cruise ship. Jimmy is not well. And that’s where the film leaves us. Jimmy shrugs and laughs it off as he realizes he was just imagining things. Jimmy may have a tumor or be at risk for a massive psychological breakdown.

So, if you’re thinking of snacking on a Sh’Zone and watching this film, keep in mind that while the premise isn’t as visually arresting as Sharks in Venice, the execution here is a little better. (You actually see more shark action here than in that film.) And Shark Zone isn’t as batshit insane as Raging Sharks, unless you count Jimmy’s nightmares.
There’s something to be said for this film. I don’t know what that something is, but I’m sure there’s something to be said for it. Shark Zone, in short is a midlevel third tier shark film. Not as good as Shark Attack 2, better than Raging Sharks and both better and worse than Sharks in Venice.

As for the sh'zone? There are clearly worse ideas than a film about people trying to sell shark wraps and falafel from a pier in Port Aransas.

Bonus
1. Trailer
Even the trailer for this movie can’t really excite me about it. Watching a trailer for Shark Zone after having seen the film is a bonus feature only if you consider yourself cheated if they decided to not include it at all. And yeah, if they'd skimped on that "bonus" I would have felt cheated. I know it's like getting a plate full of southern fried horse crap and complaining if you didn't get the raccoon shit hushpuppies on the side with it, but that's the way it goes.
Previews
Miner’s Massacre
An abandoned gold mine, some greedy young folk with exposed midriffs and Karen Black.
What's not to like?
Maximum Velocity
If only we could just drop some device that could fix this global climate disaster. Oh, but we can, and Michael Ironside will be there to help us do it.
Home Room
Holland Taylor, Victor Garber, Busy Philipps and Erika Christensen in a creepy school shooting movie. I can only hope there are sharks in that film also.
Wolves of Wall Street
Eric Roberts is the leader of a pack of stockbrokers/werewolves. If they corner the market on silver, they’ll be unstoppable.
Shark Zone
Shark Zone [VHS]