Morton: Well, there goes Mr. Warmth…
Nick: Mm-hmm.
Yep. Very eloquent. That's a whole scene right there.
Francisco: It's like dangling a carrot in front of a donkey. It's not bad. That's not bad at all.
The problem with this analogy is that no one ever goes chumming for donkeys and your end goal isn't to tranq a killer donkey and get it on your boat. (Though, a movie about a shark-toothed killer sea-donkey would be original.)
Tom Miller: Looks like a 12 footer.
Nick: No, this one's 16.
Classic.
Samantha: You didn't see Amy's eyes.
Because a shark ate her eyes! And her face, too!
Samantha: Save your promises.
And then stick those promises in a sack and then come back and hit me upside the head with your sack of promises--then you'll see what those promises are good for.
Mayor Shandu: Sharks really are not as dangerous as people think, as long as you don't antagonize them, yeah?
Does that mean that seals go around picking fights all the time? Seals are pricks.
Francisco: Let's give them something for the evening news.
That kind of line never leads to good things, because the evening news is always about people being killed and never about sharks being fed in a routine way.
Nick: Kenny's dead, you son of a bitch.
Bastards.
And Van Hunt, he's just casually smoking away and he says, "Ahh. You've outsmoked the Devil himself."
So, whenever we see that smoke coming off the mountain like that we say 'Ah, Van Hunt's at it again.'
Who the hell is Van Hunt? The scene just opens up on a bearded bartender telling this really dumb-sounding pseudo-Afrikaaner folk tale and it makes no sense.
Marcus: Damnit, Tom! I told you not to tie up the phone. Get your own line if you want to download porn all night.
Cape Town needs some DSL for the shark boat boys.
Roy Bishop: What's it like knowing someone died because you screwed up?
It's a lot like the shame you feel when you're in a terrible shark movie.
Nick: Michael, do me a favor. Get Crocodile Dundee out of my face.
I'm surprised Paul Hogan didn't do a cameo so someone could say "That's not Crocodile Dundee. THIS is Crocodile Dundee." But maybe he was too busy doing Sharkadile: The Revenge.
Nick: Which one of you guys dresses up as the Indian?
Roy: You're funny.
Nick: I just wanna know.
Not counting the romantic montage sequence this is the funniest bit.
Marcus: Capturing a great white? Jesus! Next thing Francisco will have you out looking for Moby Dick.
No, he's already got a copy.
Marcus: So, what's your plan?
Nick: We'll bait him, drag him near the boat, I'll hit him with a tranquilizer dart and we'll tow him in. It's a piece of cake.
But what will we do about the shark?
Marcus: Piece of cake, my ass.
Tom: These girls are babes. You're gonna owe us big time.
I'll give you some cake and a copy of Moby Dick. How about that?
Morton: We'll have to do it on the sly. I've got Francisco breathing down my neck.
You could dangle a donkey in front of him and then dangle a carrot in front of the donkey and that might distract him.
Pricks.
Nick: Pretty much.
Yep.
Tom: Hey bra, I'm just saying.
I think it should be a rule that if you utter the word "bra" and you're not talking about underwear you should be eaten by a shark. This rule should also apply to movies.
Nick: Fuck you, Michael. This is your mess and you know it.
And if you'd read that copy of Moby Dick by now you'd understand it better.
Roy: What's the matter? Rubber band break?
No, that was the sound of the plot, character and dialogue snapping.
Nick: This isn't a competition, Roy.
Roy: The losers always say that.
That's what she said.
Roy: Look here, you little beaut. I'm just here to help and if it's good for my TV show I'm gonna shoot it before somebody else steals it.
Or, you could steal it before somebody else shoots it.
Roy: Know what? You fix up your hair and face a little bit, I might even let you be on my show…
Nick: Was he talking to you or to me?
I think he was talking to Nick.
Nick: Is there anything I can say to make it easier?
Say that the movie is almost over.
Nick: Well, we've got some spare time.
Dangerous sidetracking montage sequence alert! If a character says "we've got some spare time" then you might as well just throw in a sequence where all the characters pile into a car and go on a road trip to another college so Otter can pretend to be a dead-girl's fiance.
Samantha: Maybe they're sick. Like rabies, or something.
I lied. This is by far the funniest line in the movie. Sharks with rabies? Why do male writers give the dumbest lines to women?
We're in bigger trouble than I thought.
Someone may actually see this movie. That's big trouble.
Roy: Are you guys getting a case of the pussies on me?
No, but I've got a box full of Moby Dicks you could suck on.
Roy: We're gonna kill the sharks, but not on this dive. Not until I get enough footage to make the Discovery Channel wet their little panties.
The folks on Animal Planet, meanwhile, are going commando.
Roy: Sharks are evil. They need to be destroyed.
Nick: They're not evil, Roy. There's only a handful of shark attacks every year compared to the millions we slaughter.
Samantha: What do you call something that indiscriminately attacks and kills people?
Roy: It's a murderer.
Samantha: Right. And they deserve to die.
What do you call something that indiscriminately attacks and kills people? A Black and Tan.
Nick: I grew up off the coast of Florida, swimming before I could walk. I used to dive all the time—school, no school—drove my mom nuts. And I remember one day, I'd just turned 16, I was diving on a coral reef, had a big cave underneath. I followed a yellowtail inside. And somehow I lost my bearings. It was pitch black in there…very, very quiet. And a chill ran up my back, 'cause I could feel that there was something else in there, watching me. Next thing I knew, I was in the jaws of a nine foot tiger shark. The pressure was intense, like a—a vise. But it didn't really hurt that day. Guess I must have been in shark, because he bit right through to the bone, punctured my stomach. Took 297 stitches to sew me back up. And I remember thinking that at that precise moment I could live or die. I was at the mercy of a force of nature that recognized me as the enemy. A very humbling experience, Roy. For whatever reason, he decided to let go. The killing machine let me live.
…
Now because some so-called scientists have tampered with nature in the name of progress these sharks are very screwed up. And that is why we have to put them down. As for the rest of the species, they've been in their domain for almost 450 million years and I think they've earned the right to stay.
Having said that, are we all game to finish this?
Roy: Abso-fucking-lutely.
A good monologue, but the finish is lacking elegance.
Nick: I have no intention of dying now. Besides, Super Roy seems to think it's a good idea.
Samantha: Roy would jump in the water with a snorkel and a hand grenade.
Given the sharks involved here, that's not a bad idea. Roy would only be crazy if he jumped into the water with a banana and a copy of Moby Dick.
Nick: Someone has to end this.
Let that someone be Connor MacLeod, the Highlander.
Samantha: I've already lost my sister. I don't want to lose you, too.
Nick: I don't wanna be lost.
Don't let the shark eat your eyes.
Best closed-captioning stage direction: (Samantha moaning.)
Because otherwise, the hard of hearing would assume Samantha wasn't deriving any pleasure from the swimming pool sex.
Roy: Should be enough to turn those bastards into a bloody shark smoothie.
Great moment in merchandising: bloody shark smoothies from Long John Silver's.
Nick: How about a little optimism here. You got a nice coin out of it.
It is a nice coin.
Roy: Let's give these bloody dingos what they deserve.
Um, Roy, they're sharks.
Roy: Oh...we're gonna need a bigger boat.
Nick: Bite this, motherfucker.
If they had put this line on the dvd cover they would have sold a lot more copies.
Nick: I have a problem. What am I gonna do with a beautiful, intelligent, sensitive woman who's willing to risk her life for me?
That thing you did in the swimming pool comes to mind.
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