Zoo Commentary

“Us humans are overconditioned from the time that we’re born to start categorizing. And even if we’re unconscious, or even subconscious, we start categorizing. Animal’s just not going to do that. You’re either a good person or a bad person.”

Hmm. Good Person or Bad Person. Aren’t those categories?

“Before I ever had the concept of being zoo, I had the feeling that traditional family life was something that I’d never do. I don’t need a high level of emotional interaction, with a human or otherwise. I function fine, I think.”

You like to have sexual relations with animals and you don’t like to have a high level of emotional interaction and you think you function fine?

“I talked to people out of Poland and Germany and Japan. I even talked to solders that are currently in Iraq. This gives them a chance to kind of connect back with the old world that they knew back here, even if it’s the same old world that sent ‘em out there to survive that environment.” – “The happy horseman”, truck driver

I don’t know what part of this is more disturbing—the part where we sent over some of our best and brightest animal lovers in a misguided invasion and occupation or the fact that getting them in touch with zoophiles back home is supposed to be comforting? Is Barbaro the Betty Grable of Operation Iraqi Freedom? “My dearest Bossy, I’m doing my best here to protect you and the rest of America, to protect democracy and our way of life. Don’t believe all the bad news that you hear. We’re doing the right thing and really making a difference. I can’t wait to feel your hooves when I get home. Save me some oats.”

“They were my so-called friends for twenty-some years. When this broke loose, the last thing he said to me, he told me I was a very bad person. We were friends all those years and all of a sudden I’m no good just because I loved the horses?” -- “H”, ranch hand

Did you tell them exactly how much you “loved” the horses for those twenty years?
No? Then you can understand their shock. And yes, “H” you are a bad person.

“Trying to balance religion and being zoo—a lot of that is faith. Growing up Baptist in a fairly religious household, I hold certain beliefs to my heart: God doesn’t hate anyone. You treat your fellow man right, you don’t hurt other people, for the most part you’ll be okay.”

For the most part...until you start having sex with animals.

“I always treated my animals as part of my family. They ate before I did. Look at the videos that they took of the horses. Did they look neglected? No. It’s the love of animals. That’s what zoophilia is. It’s like if you love your wife or your kids. It’s the same thing. I took better care of my animals than I ever took care of myself.”

How can I even begin to dissect that statement? Of course it would be worse if you neglected the animals that you’re having sex with. But it’s also not okay to “love” your kids the way this person was “loving” his animals. That’s one seriously 3871 family. And the least you could have done was take better care of yourself while you were at it.

“See, I grew up in the city. I was a city boy and I always wanted to be a farmer. Well, the job gave me what I wanted.”

That’s just sick. You didn’t want to be a farmer. You wanted to have sex with animals.

“I started when I was sixteen right after my mom died. For some reason it just happened one day. I kind of liked it. I didn’t even know it was zoophilia until I got on the internet. I’ve been on the internet since 2002. That’s the first time ever. I had AOL server. It was really interesting to meet all these different people, and to this day they’re still friends of mine.”

One line’s worth of psychological introspection followed by the most pathetic example of what the information superhighway has really accomplished for mankind.

“There was never any money that changed hands. There were people that offered money. I wouldn’t accept money from anybody because then it’s prostitution. That’s against the law.”

Oh, well, as long as it’s not illegal. You wouldn’t want to become some sort of horse pimp.

“I knew that bestiality wasn’t against the law in Washington. A lot of them just wanted to come out and see. We wanted to see if it was possible. Maybe I just wanna grab a horse by his nuts and feel his balls—how they feel—well, they’re warm.”

Oh, they’re warm. I didn’t know. Now I know. Who could have known that horse testicles would be warm? Well, this has been very…informative.

“I’d invite you to my home. I’d treat you like any other person that was in my house.”

Any other person would not be coming over to have cocktails and then go out to the barn and have sex with animals.

“I did summertime barbecues, Thanksgiving. I did Christmas dinner one year. We did turkey and a ham.”

Whoa! Dream big! Turkey AND ham? That’s almost as wild as having sex with animals. Please tell me you didn’t have sex with the turkey and the ham before you cooked them.

“He was basically curious, like everybody was curious.”

Everybody? Not everybody is curious about what it feels like to have their colon perforated by a horse prong.

“There was no special flashy nothing going on that was all that strange or unusual. I mean this goes on hundreds of thousands of places all over the country.”

Nothing flashy…just simple no-frills bestiality. None of that fancy glittery drugged-up rave party bestiality. And this is going on in hundreds of thousands of places? Really?

“It was a pretty much classless society.”

Great. They were a utopian socialist group of zoophiles.

“Just be careful, because if you stand too long in one place, it’s gonna happen. If you just stand there he’ll walk up behind you, put their head up on your shoulder and talk to you. They’re gonna pick up that pheromone that your body’s putting out and they’re gonna mount you. If you don’t move, you’re bred. And I mean BRED.”

Yeah. Thanks for the details there, crazy man.

“I think at one time he was very conservative. After a while things started changing, things started opening up to him. Maybe he was saying, ‘this just doesn’t seem right to me. Something about this is just wrong.’”

So, basically the logic goes something like this. You’re working for Boeing on defense related industries. You feel like something is wrong with your life. Something is missing. What’s missing? What will make things less wrong? Sex with a horse. Yeah.

“You’re connecting with another intelligent being who is very happy to participate—be involved. You’re not going to be able to ask it about the latest Madonna album. It has no idea what Tolstoy is or Keats, can’t discuss the difference between Monet and Picasso. That just doesn’t exist for their world.”

This is the part that really enrages me. What’s wrong with having a relationship? What’s wrong with having a conversation? What’s wrong about sharing emotions?
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be asked about the latest Madonna album either, but I like people. People have emotions. They communicate. You have to actually develop a relationship…most of the time, that is. In human relations there are times when the equivalent of a sugar cube and a bucket full of oats will get you a ride in the stables without talking about Tolstoy, too.

“One day I’m doing just fine, the next day I’m an evil person. There’s nothing evil about me. I wasn’t breaking the law. I had everything going for me and it all came crashing down around me.”

You had everything going for you? Sure, if everything consists of having a farm and a stable full of animals you and your friends can have sex with.

“How did they know the horse didn’t consent? How…can this happen without consent? We’re talking about a human being and a horse. If the horse didn’t consent, then none of this would have happened.” -- Rush Limbaugh

And you can count on the drug-addled-fornicating-outside-of-marriage mind of Rush Limbaugh to step in and completely screw up his chance of being on the right side of an argument. Here’s the gist of Mr. Limbaugh’s argument: The horse that accidentally killed “Mr. Hands” was not “abused” because it was a male horse and it was on top, so it doesn’t count as animal abuse because it was a consenting adult…creature. Does Rush Limbaugh actually believe in anything? Does he have a moral center? He’s in such a hurry to make sure that he scores points against animal rights activists who say that having sex with animals is abuse that he’s willing to forget the fact that it’s flat out immoral. Leave it to Limbaugh to take a moment of moral clarity where he could actually stake a spot on the high ground and come down on the wrong side.

“He wanted to be a farmer. He wanted to be like me.”

I don’t think he wanted to farm. You’re not a farmer, either.

“I was evil because I had a love for my animals more than other people do. I studied Buddhism for about three years. I still chant to this day.”

Which chant would that be? The one that goes “moo, moo, moo” or the one that goes “neigh, neigh, neigh”?

“The sex was just a small component of it. And by standing there talking to her—in a way, you’re connecting to her, going ‘I’m talking to you on the same level that you’re kind of staring at me—mammal to mammal.’”

I’m talking to you…you’re staring at me…why don’t we get mammal to mammal?
Yeah. Smooth.