Lake Flaccid

Lake Placid 2 (Unrated) (2007) 
Directed by David Flores
Screenplay by Todd Hurvitz & Howie Miller 


If you're a real fan of Lake Placid then Lake Placid 2 is something of an abomination.   The tenuous relationship of this film to its more illustrious predecessor is both annoying and understandable.  Yes, I can tell this lake is not the same lake as the original film, and yes I do wonder what happened to Brendan Gleeson's Sheriff and why you had to kill off Betty White and replace her with Cloris Leachman.   But why did I bother to see this film before I saw some other gator drama?  Because it was called Lake Placid.  Obviously there's something to the marketing.   


Of course, the downside of that marketing is that it invites a direct comparison with the original Lake Placid, and that's a dangerous thing to do when the first one was so charming.   Lake Placid 2 is definitely lacking a lot of the charm of the first film. 


Like many monster horror films this film depends on subplots to round out the time that isn't spent on witty dialogue or special effects.   Lake Placid 2 makes good use of the old fashioned group of people you meet just long enough to watch all of them being eaten by a crocodile.  Actually, you don't even get that, because instead what you get with this budget is you get to see the rough idea of three people being eaten by a crocodile.   The names of these characters are Edi, Mike and Sharon, but we can just call them topless eastern European blonde, topless eastern European brunette and eastern European guy who managed to get both of them to go to a lake with him.   If you could explain to me how this guy managed to go to a lake in Maine with these two girls, that would be a work of fiction I'd like to sit through, especially if it ends the same way as their subplot does in this film.    I'm assuming that this scene is specifically designed to be dispensible because it's purely here to help add some nudity for the unrated version.    Don't get me wrong, it would be just as exploitative and ridiculous if there was senseless skinny-dipping performed by essential characters who then get eaten by a crocodile.   And on the other hand, who am I to argue against the aesthetic value of pretty women playing topless splashy-splashy in a lake?   I guess it was refreshing that the original Lake Placid didn't resort to this monster movie cliche, but then, it had such a cast of amusing characters (and actors playing them) that it didn't have to. 


Philosophically, this film is in no way similar to the original Lake Placid.   If that film was about good government, then this one is about relatively incompetent local government being aided by the extravagant idle rich.   The local government of Sheriff Riley isn't really capable of dealing with a crocodile problem on his own, but rather than call in help the sheriff heads out with a wildlife expert to do whatever he can do.   No need to call in the National Guard here, the Sheriff and his ex-girlfriend have it under control.   


Then we have the rapacious great white hunter who shows up to lend a hand in return for the chance to hunt the giant beast.   He even has an assistant who does all his real work for him, because somehow this part of Maine just became a time machine back to 1950s Africa.   The great white hunter Jack Struthers is a genuine throwback, because unlike the symbols of rapacious capitalism, he really has no anti-environmental motive.  It's not like he's planning on turning the lake into a parking garage or a chemical dumping ground.   Sure, he's no Oliver Platt from Lake Placid, but he's actually not much of a capitalist so much as a modern idle rich man who wants to hunt a giant monster.  In the realm of villainy that doesn't even rate gold star anymore.   Even his lawbreaking is ultimately useful.  If Jack Struthers didn't have (and bring with him) an arsenal of illegal weapons, then it would have been impossible for the local government (i.e. the sheriff and his soon to be on-again girlfriend) to ultimately destroy the two large crocodiles.  So, maybe this is a film that opens the door to an argument in favor of private ownership of automatic grenade launchers.    


As for the libertarian philosophy of the Bickerman sisters, whereas Delores might have committed negligent homicide, Delores actually kills off a reporter and tries to kill the sheriff's son and the girl he's interested in.   So there's not much to be upset about when crusty Sadie is eaten by her own petard (or something like that).   Sure, Cloris Leachman is at least as crusty as Betty White, but as a character Sadie Bickerman just doesn't compare to Delores.   


One of the more interesting conflicts in the film is the complicated relationship of urban/central and local/provincial  identities.  The sheriff's son, Scott, has a foot in each camp.  He is the son of a local, but he's from the big city.   Scott is interested in Kerri, a bright local who is mulling her options and is seriously considering going off to a good college elsewhere.  This puts Kerri in conflict with Thad, her current boyfriend.   Thad is a resolute townie with no apparent desire to leave this locality.  Looking at the bucolic scenery by the lake, you might almost sympathize with Thad's desire to avoid the rat race of urban life.   On the other hand, Thad is such a jerk that he could ruin even a perfectly good argument if he could make one.  Instead his point of view can be summarized as "why you need seek learn in cement land?"  Thad is such an irredeemable ass that his buffoonish friend Larry seems harmless and cute by comparison.  It's actually a relief when Thad dies due to his own lack of sensitivity.  (He is throwing large crocodile eggs at trees when the mama crocodile shows up and takes her revenge on him.)  


Locality does go a long way towards explaining the group of young friends in this film whose relationship to each other would otherwise be inexplicable.   Why are Thad, Larry, Kerri and Rachel all hanging out at the lake?  Thad and Larry's friendship makes perfect sense, but Kerri and Thad's relationship and for that matter Kerri and Rachel's friendship only make sense as a necessary result of geographic isolation.  Whereas Kerri has something of an outdoorsy quality (what with her giant dog and whatnot) Rachel begins the hike through the woods wearing heels because Vogue recommended them for summertime.   Rachel is clearly not an intellectual powerhouse, but neither is she a rough-hewn hard-ridden townie.   Rachel is in this film for the purpose of behaving like a useless consumer of fashion products, taking her top off for a tan (you know, something Maine is famous for) and then being eaten by a crocodile.   If we must find a meaning in her death it is not because she is bad like Thad, or actively challenging nature like the great white hunter, but because she combines carelessness with uselessness.   She is eaten because she can't tell the difference between Larry and a crocodile breathing on her feet and because in neither case does she muster up the energy to see what's going on until it's too late.  Seriously, even if she thought it was Larry licking her toes, you'd think she'd react to the situation with less listlessness.   But then, that's why Rachel is eaten and Larry survives long enough to be one of the last victims of the crocs.   To give Larry credit, he actually tries to save Rachel, though by the time he does all he's really doing by holding on to her is helping the crocodile tear her torso in half so it's just as well that Larry can't hold on let's the crocodile finish the snack. 


One of the saving graces of Lake Placid 2 is that (like many of these Sci-Fi monster flicks) it is not a film that takes itself seriously.   There's a nice absurd scene in the medical examiner's lab that is a callback to the original Lake Placid.   Kerri's dog manages to inexplicably survive when chased by two crocodiles.   And there's a bunny (actually, they look like different rabbits) that keeps showing up at cheap scare moments and somehow manages to escape death throughout the film.   This would be a better gag if the writers didn't feel the need to draw extra attention to it by having the Sheriff say "I hate that rabbit."   If you can't add value to an absurdity then you should really just leave it alone.   


In the end Sheriff Riley is able to kill the crocodiles (thanks, as I've mentioned earlier, to the illegal weaponry of the great white hunter) so it looks like plucky locals can take care of a problem without federal and state intervention.  And while there's no thought given to taking the crocs alive once they've done as much damage as they've done, Emma Warner does prevail upon the sheriff to save the eggs for research.   Here I have to give the filmmakers some credit for just letting the credits roll instead of throwing in a cheap scare just to set up potential sequels.   


I suppose I should throw in a couple of words here again about the sexualization of violence when it comes to creatures stalking and eating naked women.   Like a shower scene in a slasher film, these bits are pretty typical in horror films and creature features.  The damsel in the arms of the monster is an image as old as film--maybe even older if we want to go back to the idea of the image.   But do these scenes have a meaning beyond pure exploitation of desire?  On the one hand, they combine an expression of sexual desire with a result of violence, which makes for a disturbing juxtaposition and association.   Are we to see these as a warning against sexuality?   "Don't take your clothes off or the big bad crocodile will eat you?"  While the messages that come out of this are perhaps unintentional or subconscious that doesn't mean that the cumulative effect of these associations on culture are to be completely ignored.   


So, why on earth would anyone want to see Lake Placid 2?  
While the cast here isn't the virtuoso ensemble of the predecessor, I'll admit that John Schneider has some charm and if you're a John Schneider fan this wouldn't be a bad one to see.   Huge fans of Cloris Leachman wouldn't want to miss this. 
I suppose the same could be said of huge fans of Sam McMurray, Justin Urich or Jonas Talkington.   
If you just absolutely have to see another crocodile movie, then this is an acceptable option.   
If you're a fan of Bulgarian scenery then the scenery is quite striking.   
Ultimately, I'd have to give this film a passable rating.   It's not as good as Lake Placid, but it isn't terrible or unwatchable by along shot and it's got a cute bunny rabbit.    Would this film have been better with Bruce Campbell in it?  Probably.  But then the paradox of Bruce Campbell's situation now is that he doesn't have to be in Lake Placid 2 (presumably). 
And so we take the Lake Placid we can get instead of the Lake Placid we'd ideally like to see.   


Dramatis Personae
Sheriff James Riley...John Schneider (Bo Duke or Jonathan Kent, depending on how you’d like to think of him) 
It's hard to find fault with Schneider's charm.  He's no Brendan Gleeson or Bill Pullman, but he holds this movie up fine.
Scott Riley, his son...Chad Collins (Legion of the Dead) 
Emily ‘Emma’ Warner...Sarah Lafleur (Sailor Moon, Ugly Betty, Earth: Final Conflict) 
Sadie Bickerman, sister of the late Delores Bickerman....Cloris Leachman (Kiss Me Deadly, Young Frankenstein, Raising Hope, Beerfest, Malcolm in the Middle, Best Supporting Actress for The Last Picture Show) This just goes to prove that even having an Oscar doesn't prevent you from flying out to Bulgaria to do a crocodile movie. 
Jack Struthers, a wealthy white hunter....Sam McMurray (Raising Arizona, C.H.U.D., The Tracey Ullman Show, Dinosaurs, Freaks and Geeks, Friends) 
Ahmad, his native guide...Joe Holt (Far From Heaven, Law & Order, Prison Break, K-PAX) 
Joe Holt deserves a medal for having to sport some of the most bizarre scar makeup on his chest and arm.   It looks like a snake pooped on his chest and then came back and did it on his arm.   
Kerri, a local girl....Alicia Ziegler (Wolf Town, The Last Hurrah, Wildfire, NCIS, CSI: NY, CSI: Miami, Bones, Criminal Minds) 
Thad Sanders, Kerri's boyfriend....Ian Reed Kesler (Law & Order: SVU, CSI, CSI: Miami, CSI: NY, The Loop, Stone & Ed, Bones, 500 Days of Summer, NCIS, Medium, Castle, Franklin & Bash, Weeds) 
Larry....Justin Urich (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 3rd Rock from the Son, Nutty Professor II, Gilmore Girls, CSI, How High, Monster Man, The Rage: Carrie 2) 
Rachel....V.J. Benson aka VJ Kewl (Lightning Strikes, Infestation) VJ Kewl is a Bulgarian enigma. 
Frank Mills...Robert Blush (Nightmare City 2035, Finding Rin Tin Tin) 
Cal Miner....Jonas Talkington (Alien Apocalypse, Man with the Screaming Brain) 
Tillman...Michael McCoy (Sharks in Venice, It’s Alive, Mega Snake, The Grudge 3, Day of the Dead, Behind Enemy Lines II) 
Deputy Dale Davis....Terry Winkless (Directed and acted in Nightmare City 2035 and The Westing Game and can also be seen in Mega Snake) 
Female Deputy....Andrea Enright (Mega Snake, Nightmare City 2035) 
Edi....Jasmina Toshkova aka Zhasmina Toskova (Return to House on Haunted Hill, Ghost Voyage) 
Mike....Vlado Mihailov (Behind Enemy Lines II, Grendel, Reign of the Gargoyles, Finding Rin Tin Tin, It’s Alive, Copperhead, Monster Ark, Infestation, Wrong Turn 3, Ghost Town, Boogeyman 3) 
Sharon....Yana Marinova (The Immortal Voyage of Captain Drake, Star Runners, Glass Home)


Cinematography by Lorenzo Senatore (Swamp Shark, Monsterwolf, Wrong Turn 3, Boogeyman 3, Starship Troopers 3, Copperhead, Return to House on Haunted Hill, Reign of the Gargoyles, Grendel, S.S. Doomtrooper, Behind Enemy Lines II, Manticore, Boa vs. Python) 
Original Music by Nathan Furst (Shark Swarm, Lake Placid 3, Grendel)


Previews
1. Bachelor Party: The Second Coming
Was this movie strictly speaking necessary?  Granted, it would be awesome if the bachelor party in question was attacked by some crocodiles.    
2. Wrong Turn 2: Dead End
Henry Rollins stars in this film about a bachelor party gone wrong.   
3. Sunshine
Captain America tries to reignite the sun, which will work only because he's also the Human Flame. 
4. Resurrecting the Champ
Josh Hartnett and Samuel L. Jackson star in this film about a writer who is accused of fabricating a story about a bachelor party that is attacked by crocodiles. 


Special Features
1. Sex, Guns, and Croc-n-Roll
Some behind the scenes shots thankfully free of any narration or attempts at promotion.    
2. Surviving a Crocodile Attack
Some helpful tips for the viewer. 
#1 Always be aware of your surroundings
Like, for instance, if everything is dark and smells bad then you've been swallowed by a crocodile or the power has gone out and the meat you've used to insulate your room has started to go bad. 
#2 Stay at least 15 feet away from crocodiles
And always carry a tape measure. 
#3 Stay out of infested waters
How do you know the waters are infested?   That's like saying "stay away from dog-infested neighborhoods."   How do you know until you've run into a pack of dogs?   
#4 Never feed crocodiles, either intentionally or unintentionally
I think unintentional feeding includes unintentionally being eaten by a crocodile.   So yeah, I won't be doing that.   
#5 Turn off your boat's outboard motor
Explanation, please?   Do crocodiles eat outboards?
#6 Never disturb a crocodile nest
Especially not with an outboard motor.   
#7 If you see a crocodile...RUN!  However running is usually futile. 
What?   That's not helpful at all.   What do you mean by "usually futile," because if running is futile, then why run?  
#8 A tree can serve as a temporary shelter
Unless crocodiles learn how to climb trees I would think it could be permanent shelter.  Hell, from up there you could probably just pelt the crocodile with your feces and you'd be safe.   Though, at that point you'd have to come down to wash the poop off your hands.   
#9 If caught in a DEATH ROLL, be ready to roll in the same direction. 
What if it's a near death roll?  
If you can't avoid an attack you have one choice: FIGHT BACK!
Because running is futile and you can only pelt it with poop from the tree top so long before you have to come down. 
#10 Go for the eyes, the nostrils, or the palatal valve
Also, you could give it a good punch to the crotch because I don't care what animal you're dealing with, a good punch to its junk will shock the crap out of it. 
#11 Keep the crocodile's mouth firmly closed
Always keep a jar of peanut butter handy for this.   
#12 If bitten, seek medical attention promptly
This bit was thrown in by the medical lobbyists.  I'm not going to waste time and money on getting treatment for a crocodile bite.   
And always remember...If you do get caught...It's okay to SCREAM!
Actually, it's not okay to scream.  Get yourself a spine and some class and take it quietly, because that crocodile might take your arm, your leg, your head and even your life, but don't let it take your dignity.   You may have lived stupidly to have ended up getting killed by a crocodile but the least you can do is die bravely.   
3. Lake Placid 2: The "Gnawed Up" Version
This is a shortened version of the film that fast forwards through the boring bits and slows down for the killing, the best of the one-liners and, of course, the part with the eastern European girls.  For those of you who might be considering this film but don't really want to invest the time to see it, this is the perfect solution.  You practically see the whole film at high speed and with enough time saved to do something more productive with your time.   

The Great American Crocodile Film

Lake Placid (1999)

Directed by Steve Miner
Screenplay by David E. Kelley

Lake Placid is a comedy that happens to have a giant monstrous creature in it.   Or it’s a creature feature that happens to have really good acting.  Or it’s an environmental conservation film that happens to have good writing and special effects.   Lake Placid may be The Great American Giant Crocodile Film.   The only problem (and it’s not really a problem) is that the setting of Maine isn’t the location we would normally associate with crocodiles or their alligator kin.   (For that matter, Martha’s Vineyard wasn’t the first place people would have thought of for a shark film, but there you have it.)
This means there is still room for someone to make a truly iconic American alligator film set in Florida or Louisiana.   In the meantime, we have Lake Placid, which is a work of genius.  It's a happy film about killer mega crocodiles.  It's like Boston Legal, but with crocodiles.
Lake Placid may be one of the most watchable creature features ever made.   

Dramatis Personae
Jack Wells, a Fish and Wildlife officer....Bill Pullman (And thus ended the second age of Bill Pullman.  Apparently I need to see Torchwood if I’m going to see Bill Pullman in anything these days.)
Kelly Scott, a paleontologist from NYC....Bridget Fonda (Where have you gone Bridget Fonda?  Have you seriously not done anything since The Chris Isaak Show?  Any chance of a Point of No Return Remake?)
Hector Cyr, a wealthy croc-whisperer....Oliver Platt (This is the point in the cast list at which this film becomes a “must see.”)
Sheriff Hank Keough....Brendan Gleeson (And Brendan Gleeson is the seal on the deal.  He and Platt need to do a series of road comedies.)
Deputy Sharon Gare....Meredith Salenger (Damages, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (season 2), Sour Grapes)
Deputy Burke....Jed Rees (Galaxy Quest, The Chris Isaak Show) My favorite part is when he turns inside out and then explodes.
Deputy Stevens....Richard Leacock (21 Jump Street, Slam Dunk Ernest, Doc, Saving God)
Officer Coulson....Jake T. Roberts (The X-Files, Millennium, The Outer Limits, Viper, The New Addams Family, Death Train to the Pacific)
Paramedic...Warren Takeuchi (The X-Files, The Outer Limits, Stargate SG-1, NightMan, Dark Angel, Babylon 5: The Legend of the Rangers, War)
State Trooper...Ty Olsson (The X-Files, Viper, Cupid, The Chris Isaak Show, The Outer Limits, Battlestar Galactica, Kingdom Hospital, Tru Calling, Stargate SG-1, Class of the Titans, Men in Trees, Voltron Force, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Fairly Legal, V, Human Target and Sheriff Andy from Eureka)
Mrs. Delores Bickerman....Betty White (Let’s face it, it’s the foul mouthed Betty White who made this film as great as it is.)
Walt Lawson....David Lewis (The X-Files, Millennium, Lexx, The Outer Limits, Halloween: Resurrection, John Doe, Tru Calling, Stargate SG-1, The L Word, Eureka, Smallville, Wyvern, Stonehenge Apocalypse, The Day the Earth Stood Still)
Stephen Daniels....Tim Dixon (The X-Files, Cupid, Millennium, Kissed)
Janine....Natassia Malthe (Viper, Millennium, Dark Angel, The Chris Isaak Show, Halloween: Resurrection, Elektra, Bloodsuckers, Skinwalkers, Sex and Death 101, Bloodrayne 2, Bloodrayne 3, The Lightning Thief)
Kevin.....Adam Arkin (Trying to hide in this film, yet so conspicuously.)
Myra Okubo....Mariska Hargitay (It’s really weird to see her outside of Law & Order SVU these days.)
Airplane Pilot....Steve Miner (Director cameo)  

Cinematography by Daryn Okada (Captain Ron, Halloween H20, Mean Girls, Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, Sex and Death 101 and several episodes of Castle.)

This is a good film that happens to be a monster movie.   It shows how well you can do one of these things if you try hard enough (and have enough of a budget to make it happen.)   It’s easy to see the through line in David E. Kelley's work from this show to Boston Legal.  In fact, the only thing missing in this film is William Shatner and James Spader.   I would not be averse to a re-edit that just includes scenes of them fishing on the lake and talking.  You hear that George Lucas?  Here’s some work for you.
Director Steve Miner is partly responsible for Friday the 13th and directed Friday the 13th Part 2.  He outdoes himself with some truly iconic moments.   (Cow in a harness being transported over a lake by helicopter?  Genius.)
We have to give a lot of credit to David E. Kelley’s writing.  This is a smart film with well-developed characters.  It’s the Jaws of killer croc movies.    It’s not just a good genre film, it’s a good film.   
So what’s so special about Lake Placid?
First and foremost it defies the conventional hero-quest structure.   Sure, you can make some arguments that this character or that one is the traditional protagonist, but there are easy cases to be made for any of a number of characters being up for that spot.  That means that this is a real ensemble film.   It would take someone coming from television (with a degree of self-confidence in his own storytelling) to write something that doesn’t fit into the round peg hole of cinematic storytelling as authorized by the guardians of cinematic literature.   
Then there are the profusion of interesting characters.   Betty White and Brendan Gleeson alone make this film worthwhile.
Also, it is a film that manages to get by in the absence of a villain.  Sure, we have a monster crocodile, but Bridget Fonda and Oliver Platt convince us to save the giant croc instead of killing it.   (Though they do have to kill the second one that shows up.)  Hector Cyr may be rich dilettante nutcase but he means well and his environmentalist concerns aren’t the cause of any deaths.   The local sheriff is a good guy, the fish and wildlife regulator is a good guy, the paleontologist is a good person, even the ostensible cause of the infestation, Delores Bickerman isn’t evil.   She’s mean, but in a way that we’d all like to be able to get away with.   In fact, Delores Bickerman’s pro-crocodile animal rights stance is just another example of the way this film subverts the need for a traditional antagonist.
No, really, the only people who come close to villainy are Adam Arkin and Mariska Hargitay, but even then it’s not really villainy so much as romantic comedy antagonism.  So the film is really a matter of trying to overcome the force of nature represented by the unexpected giant crocodile and the second even more unexpected crocodile.   
A political reading of this film is unavoidable.    Especially if you continue reading this paragraph.   See, Mrs. Bickerman is a true Libertarian. (with a capital L)  She doesn’t believe in any form of regulation and just wants to live in her cabin by the lake and feed cows to her illegal crocodile collection.  (And why are the crocs illegal?  Because of too much stupid government regulation.)   Hector Cyr represents responsible environmentally conscious capitalism.   Sure, he’s got a pile of money, but it’s nature that he really cares about.   Kelly Scott is a scientist working for a museum.   (Need I say more?)   Jack Wells represents good natured regulatory agencies, the friendly face of the Federal government.   And Sheriff Keogh represents simple honest local government, responsible for the welfare of the people, even when the people are old cranky murderesses living in cabins feeding cows to giant crocodiles.  
Working together, the forces of science and government (Local, State and Federal), with the help of concerned private citizens of means (the noble rich) are able to avert catastrophe and further human knowledge as well as save a creature from possible extinction/destruction.   See, government works, especially if people are cooperative.
In this political narrative the charming libertarianism of Mrs. Bickerman becomes the obligatory antagonist and much less charming when you realize the consequences.   (Selfish Betty White not only gets people killed, but she also sacrifices cows for the sake of her pet giant crocodiles.)   You could go even further with that allegory and say that the crocodile is a useless intrusive species that represents useless expenditures while the cow represents American industry and the products of American labor being tossed into the gaping maw of death for the amusement and greed of selfish interests. 

 Go ahead, chew on that idea for a while and then sit back and enjoy the unspoiled wilderness of Maine. There's also the classic rural vs. urban conflict between the Sheriff and the outsiders (who he loves to refer to as various kinds of rude) but that's almost too obvious compared to the other readings of the film.    

As for aesthetics, there’s not much ground that hasn’t been covered in monster movies.   It’s very difficult (nigh impossible) to make a movie featuring a monster in the water without borrowing from the visual language of Jaws.  In this case the borrowing includes the Jaws 2 classic sea beast attacking a helicopter's floats scene.   
Lake Placid makes good use of late 20th century CGI and mechanics for the creature effects (the overhead views are especially nice).

In the end, for a film where multiple people are hacked into pieces and eaten by giant crocodiles the result is quite funny and enjoyable.   I’m partially disturbed by that.   But if I think about it too hard then I can just think about the sheer hilarity of Betty White, Brendan Gleeson and Oliver Platt and all is well.   Don’t let your fear of amphibious reptiles get in the way of watching this film.   

Bonus Features
1. Featurette
Another vapid segment worthy of Entertainment Tonight.  Don’t get me wrong, a vapid featurette is better than nothing when I want to extend the experience of staying in the world of a film I like.
2. Television Spots
I’m not sure how effective calling this film “Next Year’s Anaconda” is.  I don’t remember Anaconda being as fun as Lake Placid.   
3. Trailer
I think selling this as a scary monster movie was either brilliant misdirection or bad marketing.
4. Cast/Crew Bios
These are now mostly out of date, but that just lends them a bit of period charm, if 1999 is a period you find charming.

Mega Marbury v. Giant Madison

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus (2009)
Directed by Ace Hannah (Jack Perez)
Screenplay by Ace Hannah (Jack Perez)

Debbie Gibson, Lorenzo Lamas, a shark and an octopus and also Debbie Gibson and some more Debbie Gibson. I’ll admit that if someone came to me with a credible plan for a project and asked me to contribute somewhere between 15 and 75 cents toward it using the above statement as a sales pitch, I might consider contributing as much 55 cents toward that plan. Maybe even an extra dime on account of Debbie Gibson.

Emma MacNeil, submarine biologist....Deborah Gibson (She followed up this with the fabulous Mega Python vs. Gatoroid) Just go ahead and admit it. You’ve been wanting to see her in a film. The only thing you desire more is to see a miniseries of Far From the Madding Crowd with Susanna Hoffs.
Seiji Shimada....Vic Chao (The Division, 24)
Lamar Sanders, Emma’s formerly alcoholic Irish professor....Sean Lawlor (By the Sword Divided, Not Another Not Another Movie, 30,000 Leagues Under the Sea) We know this character is Irish because the writer has practically put him in a leprechaun outfit and handed him a pot of gold in his first scene. “Obviously I’m Irish because I’ve called you ‘lassie’ mentioned being an alcoholic and done a little jig all in a matter of seconds.”
Allan Baxter....Lorenzo Lamas (This performance is nowhere near as hilarious as Blood Angels and I can assure you I never imagined I’d be saying that.)
Vince, Emma’s navigator...Jonathan Nation (Mega Piranha, Death Racers, War of the Worlds 2, 2012 Doomsday, #1 Cheerleader Camp) Mr. Nation speaks for all of us because he is the embodiment of The Nation.
Dick Ritchie....Mark Hengst (The Cook) Hengst, you’re so brilliant in The Cook. It’s a shame to see you relegated to mookdom in this film.
Takeo....Michael Teh (Lost Colony, Breaking Point, Blood for the Gods, 2010: Moby Dick)
Kenji....Chris Haley
U.S. Sub Captain....Dean Kreyling (100 Million BC, The Terminators, Transmorphers: Fall of Man, 2010: Moby Dick) In the back of your mind was the thought that playing a sub captain would make you as cool as Sean Connery or at least put you in the same league as Jurgen Prochnow, Clark Gable or Cary Grant. But, alas, you’re the sub captain in a shark/octopus movie, which makes you expendable.
Helmsman....Dustin Harnish (100 Million BC, 18 Year Old Virgin, The Terminators)
Sonar Chief....Stephen Blackehart (Tromeo and Juliet, Rockabilly Vampire, 100 Million BC, PG Porn) I refuse to make fun of you for being gainfully employed, Stephen Blackehart.
Marine Biologist....Dana DiMatteo (Transmorphers: Fall of Man)
Deputy...Myles Cranford (Mega Piranha, Titanic II, Milf)
Naval Officer...Dana Healey (Dr. G: Medical Examiner)
Weapons Officer....John Bolen (The Call of Cthulhu)
Japanese Typhoon Captain....Larry Parrish (The Republic) In the back of your mind was the thought that playing a Japanese sub captain would make you as cool as Toshiro Mifune. But, see above.
Typhoon Navigator....Aki Hiro (Amateur Porn Star Killer 3D: Inside the Head)
Admiral Scott....Russ Kingston (Kitten vs. Newborn) You’re probably thinking “If only Kitten vs. Newborn had the kind of giant budget that Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus had.”
Sub Commander...Stephanie Gernhauser (Mega Piranha, Intercourse with a Vampire, Sports Ballz, A Rogue in Londinium)
Sonar Tech...Cooper Harris (Mega Piranha, Intercourse with a Vampire, A Rogue in Londinium)
Destroyer Captain....Matt Lagan (2010: Moby Dick, Titanic II, Mega Piranha)
Navigator....Mikos Zavros
Destroyer Sonar Men....Hunter Ives, John Gilligan (Never get on a boat with a man named Gilligan.)
Radiomen....Michael Allendorf, Colin Broussard
FBI Agents....Nathan Sikes, Daniel Schachtel, Elijah Flores
Blackbird Pilot...David Meador
Pilot/Deck Officer...Jay Beyers (Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, 2010: Moby Dick, Mega Piranha, Transmorphers: Fall of Man, The Dork of the Rings, Harvey Putter and the Ridiculous Premise, Princess of Mars)
Passengers....Michael L. Parisi, Michael Drummond, Molly Drummond, Emily Lavigna, Michelle Hodnett, Silje Gruner, Joey Ruggles, Knayi Clement, Sex Henderson (Princess and the Pony, The 7 Adventures of Sinbad, Mega Piranha, Meteor Apocalypse, Dragonquest, Princess of Mars) Yeah, you’d think with a name like Sex Henderson this guy would have gone a lot further in this business than playing a passenger on a plane eaten by a shark.
Flight Attendant...Dana Tomasko (Meteor Apocalypse, 2012: Supernova, MegaFault) MegaFault? How did I miss that one? Are they going to make a sequel called MegaFault vs. Giant Cloud?
Sailor...Brandon Plemons
Background persons...Conrad Lihilihi, Rebecca Helm, Andre H. Bassett, Artem Shatokhin, Jason Covington, Alan Woods
Background....Craig Childress (also a Background Partygoer in 18 Year Old Virgin)
Jay Cynik (Zombies of Mass Destruction, Punch) Angela Guerrero, James Rolls, Julia Torchine, Sharon Stockbridge (Sunday School Musical) Some people are background “persons” and some people can only aspire to background personhood.
Michael Masters....David William James Elliott (Malcolm in the Middle, Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, Teen Titans, That ‘70s Show, Hitman, The Dark Knight)
Oil Rig Supervisor...Jack Perez (aka Ace Hannah, the director of this film)

Director of Photography....Alexander Yellen (Titanic II, 2010: Moby Dick, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus) Other people just can’t capture the cinematic beauty of giant sharks the way Mr. Yellen can.

When you have a director whose other credits are Wild Things 2, The Mary Kay Letourneau Story, Monster Island the only reasons I can think of for doing this film under a fake name are delinquent taxes, delinquent child support or some sort of arcane Director’s Guild rule about having to pay extra dues for making a shark movie. Seriously, what do you have to gain or lose by using your real name on this film? Ace Hannah? Did you think it would matter to me if you used a directorial nom-de-plume that sounds like you should be out hunting wildebeest or finding cursed diamonds guarded by monkeys?

This film is about climate change, oceanic weapons testing and corporate greed. It’s also about a giant shark and a giant octopus who are pitted against each other in an eternal struggle of titanic proportions. But it’s never really about the giant monsters, is it? It’s not like this is a monster film which genuinely revolves around the struggle between the monsters. Ultimately it’s all about how the humans can put the large fishy genies back in the bottle--or, in this case, back on/in ice.

Now, the opening credits feature some of the most magnificent shots of snow-capped mountains ever seen on film. Truly. I can’t believe this was shot specifically for this film, but it doesn’t matter, because it is truly beautiful footage, even if a snow covered mountain range is not the image I would naturally select as the background for the words “Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus.” We do eventually get some underwater shots (a school of fish, a tiny research submarine, a hammerhead shark) before we are told that we are in the Chukchi Sea off the coast of Alaska where the Aviation & Missile Command is conducting Sonar Testing. This consists of blowing crap up next to a glacier. Unbeknownst to them (and vice versa) there are some marine biologists conducting research of their own as large chunks of glacier just keep falling off. (See, I told you it was about climate change.)

Emma: Vince, it’s okay. Why are you so nervous?... Just relax and enjoy it. There’s poetry here.
And if the movie ended right now, I’d have to call it a winner. You will notice that she is speaking this line while her right hand his gripping the joystick control of the submarine. And while the poetry in question is an unusual school of hammerhead sharks, it’s pretty to imagine these lines in another context.
So, the military industrial complex is testing sonar and launching missiles into the glacier. This is the dumbest test of military technology since George Washington walked around Valley Forge with pumpkins on his feet instead of shoes. The government sonar sends a huge herd of whales right at Deborah Gibson and her tiny submarine. Then the government helicopter (cleverly disguised as a civilian model), crashes into the glacier. This causes a near fatal situation for the tiny vessel of science, but for a brief second we see a large shark frozen in ice just as the ice starts to crack. Now, in the real world that would mean that there’s a large frozen shark stick that is about to sink straight to the bottom. But we know the title of the film, so we know that this means the shark was cryogenically frozen and is now ready to shake off its slumber and resume it’s position as contender for the role of apex predator. Also, a large octopus/squidlike thing takes off in the midst of the whales and thus our chief antagonists have taken the field.

Next thing you know we’re on the Kobayashi Subsea Drilling Platform. This subsea drilling platform’s greatest trick was in convincing people that it didn’t exist. Or maybe that was the greatest trick of the giant octopus that eats the whole platform.

And now we’re in Point Dume, California (Previously known as Point Dumb.) where Emma is only now dealing with the aftermath of her disastrous Alaskan adventure. Did they just fly all the way back down to California on the same day, or was she so traumatized that it’s taken her a couple of days to start comprehending the giant sea beasts she thinks she saw? Here at Point Dume there’s a mammoth whale carcass on the beach and Dick Ritchie is there to tell everyone that the wounds on it were caused by a tanker’s propeller. Yep. They’re seriously still trying the old “it was a boating accident” gag.

EMMA: You know I’m right, Dick. There’s something big out there.
And it’s not you, Dick.

So, the government and its scientific cronies are looking to cover up the evidence of giant sea creatures that are killing regularly large sea creatures. Meanwhile the Japanese are trying to isolate the only survivor of the Kobayashi. And that’s when we switch to a Condor Airlines Flight where we briefly meet a flight attendant and some passengers before the guy who’s getting married in a couple of days says “Holy Shit!” and sees a giant shark leaping up toward the plane. Yes, the Mega Shark is so huge that it can leap thousands of feet into the atmosphere and grab a jumbo jet to eat. I can only imagine that this must be the shark equivalent of biting into aluminum foil, but maybe sharks like the feel of metal crunching on their teeth.

DICK RITCHIE: Want some advice?
EMMA: Nope.
DICK: Don’t love the ocean too much. It doesn’t love you back.
That is so true. The ocean just takes and takes, but it never really gives back. Not the way you want it to. Because it’s a body of water, and most likely not a sentient entity.

Emma and Vince manage to sneak past security in the middle of the night to get samples from the suspicious whale carcass before the cover-up squad pulls it out to sea. Then she meets up with her mentor and they proceed to do science. By “do science” I don’t mean sex. I mean “do science” as in looking through a cheap microscope, putting some things in beakers, then magically digitalizing a mound of data which a magical computer proceeds to redraw in the shape of a giant shark tooth.

LAMAR: Who do you think it belongs to?
EMMA: I don’t know. You’re the ex-navy paleontologist guru.
LAMAR: Yeah, well that’s true enough.
Let’s hold the boat here for a second as we look at the savage brilliance of this pair of lines. Ex-Navy Paleontologist Guru? Did that require a double major? Not only is that line utterly contemptuous of the mentor/student hero structure (and every little bit of sarcasm directed at the conventions of that tradition is worth its weight in smoked dewback ribs) but it also manages to hamfistedly throw in a chunk of exposition with it.
And then, as if that wasn’t enough the old man says “that’s true enough.” Brilliant. “Why, yes I am an ex-navy paleontolgoist guru, what of it?” We shortly learn that the old man got kicked out of the navy for running aground a nuclear sub to avoid hitting a pod of dolphins.

And then, enter the love story. In this case the love interest enters in the form Dr. Seiji Shumada, who does “wild diving bell” experiments. Let me take a second to appreciate the fact that our main character is a woman and that she is the driving force in this film. From here on out Seiji is definitely a major part of the story, but he is the love interest for Emma and not the other way around. You don’t get to see that often in any film, so I think it’s worth appreciating for a second. Have you taken a second to appreciate that? Good.

SEIJI: Amazing. Two prehistoric creatures suddenly and mysteriously unleashed upon the world.
EMMA: Maybe not so mysteriously. Polar icecaps are melting because of our thoughtlessness. Maybe this is our comeuppance.
And there you have the crux of the environmental guilt theme of this film. If we weren’t busy melting ice then maybe we wouldn’t be punished with this fishy scourge.

Speaking of the fishy scourge we have a cocky US destroyer captain who takes on the giant shark and thinks he destroys it. (He’s cocky because his destroyer is actually a battleship, not that the stock footage people care.)
When the captain is informed that the target hasn’t been destroyed he says “It rises.” This is the most ridiculous line I’ve heard since...well, since the other day when I saw Darth-freaking-Vader screaming “Nooo!” So, actually, “It rises” is no longer the most ridiculous line I’ve ever heard. The destroyer/battleship is then consumed by the shark, whose lust for metal has clearly been ignited by the jumbo jet appetizer he/she consumed earlier. About now the Mega Shark should be looking for an old schooner to use as a toothpick.

Then the government shows up to cart off our heroic trio to the Treasure Island Naval Air Command center where they are held in a darkish room.
LAMAR: Same lighting as Guantanamo.
SEIJI: I feel very secure.
And the secret government detention jokes continue.

BAXTER: Don’t look so worried, Doctor Shimada. You’re not going to Manzanar.
GIBSON: No, Manzanar was for Americans.
BAXTER: Very good, Miss McNeil.
Manzanar was one of the detention facilities for Japanese-Americans during World War II. Suddenly this film got a lot more interesting as the main characters have taken on a curiously anti-authoritarian bent. We knew this layer of conflict was going to pop up, but this is a seriously bitter fight.

BAXTER: I suppose you’re wondering why we’ve wrested you from your lovely slumber.
How did he know their slumber was lovely?
LAMAR: Let me guess...Our country needs us.
BAXTER: Kewpie doll for the Irishman.
Wait a minute! There are prizes? If I answer the next one right do I win a pint of Guinness?

So, the guy with the ponytail wants our trio’s help in going after the Shark and the Octopus. But they won’t cooperate unless he gets a haircut and then assures them that the plan for the animals is strictly containment and not annihilation. And they do have a point. I mean, how many chances are you ever going to get to see a giant shark and a giant octopus. On the other hand, one of them ate a drilling platform and the other one ate an airplane and a ship, so is corralling them into Tokyo Bay and San Francisco Bay really all that feasible? How do you make sure they stay where they’re supposed to? They eat ships and large structures. I don’t think you’ll be able to contain them in the bay.

At any rate, more “science” is done, this time in a fancy lab that is lit like an Erasure video. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever seen an Erasure video, so maybe it’s more like what I’d imagine an Erasure video would be lit like. And if I was going to kiss Deborah Gibson, it would probably be in the middle of an Erasure video. Anyhow, Seiji and Emma share a kiss in the lab. And, because doing science makes people incredibly horny they take a walk all the way to the broom closet (yes, you can actually see the brooms and mops) and they play around with their own mega shark and giant octopus. Okay, we don’t actually see any sharks or octopi in this scene and it’s tastefully short and skips directly ahead from pre action to post action. More “science” is then done. My favorite part was when the heroic trio is kneeling in front of a countertop to see Emma pour something into a flask causing the liquid to glow.
I’m guessing they couldn’t use any of the existing glowing chemicals in the world and thus had to discover something that would make a shark or octopus glow. Actually, I’m not guessing anything because I, like the rest of the audience, don’t really care about the actual merit of the “science” they’re doing. They might as well be eating shrimp and reading Henderson the Rain King for all we care. That’s the counterpoint to all of the “we melted the ice and caused this” hand-wringing in this film. Because it’s the lack of real scientific curiosity perpetuated by the entertainment industry that isn’t helping the world. “My brain hurts when you talk about real science. Show me some real housewives from rich zip codes now!”

So, what is all this glowing science leading to? The plan is to lure each of the beasts into a bay by synthesizing pheromones for them. This is a metaphor for the entertainment industry, luring people into their traps with the promise of sex.

BAXTER: How can we be so sure they’re gonna take the bait?
LAMAR: Those guys have been frozen in ice for millions of years. Wouldn’t you be a little horny?
I’m a little horny now just thinking about being frozen in ice for millions of years. But what if they’re not horny? What if they’re just sad that all their friends are dead? Or, worse yet, what if they’re sad AND horny?

EMMA: I keep thinking about Einstein and Oppenheimer. The magnitude of it. The destruction.
Speaking of destruction, the octopus scores a point for swatting down a jet fighter, but the shark sates its taste for warships with another destroyer in San Francisco Bay and then it actually takes a bite out of the Golden Gate Bridge. Oops. Guess being teased with the idea of sex only makes a shark hungry for more metal.

Meanwhile the octopus makes a noise that sounds like Jabba the Hutt and gives chase. There are multiple submarines in the water chasing around the shark and the octopus. The game is afoot.
This is when Stephen Blackehart gets to say the line that every submariner has always dreamed of saying someday.
Captain! Octopus approaching. 300 metres off the port bow.

There’s a tense moment when the helmsman on the US sub goes nuts and pulls a sidearm on the captain but this is resolved with Emma’s right hook and Lamar’s experience as a submariner.
From here on out it’s all Mega Shark and Giant Octopus action. The shark is so powerful that it can shrug off direct hits from torpedoes. (That’s Godzilla level strength.)
In a disappointing case of mutual killing the shark and the octopus kill each other. (The shark makes a sound like a wounded weasel as the octopus crushes it with it’s last bit of energy.)
LAMAR: Looks like they’ve finally finished what they started 18 million years ago.
In a way, it’s like a western where two aging gunslingers meet up after many years only to die together.
It’s refreshing that this film lets the two creatures die without a hint of bringing one or both of them back from the grave and it’s nice that the heroic trio all survive (even Lorenzo Lamas, the minion of intrusive imperial government makes it). Seiji and Emma have found love and a quiet stretch of beach to enjoy the sunset.
But the call of adventure is still there as Lamar shows up with a file about some sort of odd life form in the North Sea and Seiji and Emma light up because this means more science, danger and broomcloset sex.

So, in the case of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus I have to say that the effects were good enough for a couple of fun sequences and the story is...well, it’s not the most awful thing in the world. If you want to see a shark eating a bridge or a jumbo jet or an octopus smoking a submarine like a cigar, or if you just like Deborah Gibson, then this is your movie.

In the end, the critique of scary government is subsumed (the government is less scary when it's being eaten by a shark or an octopus) there isn't a real corporate villain at the end, so it really is an adventure movie with science. Or "science."

The Lady's Not For Eating

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)
Directed by David Worth
Screenplay by Scott Devine & William Hooke

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon may be about a bigger shark than Shark Attack 2, but it just doesn’t have the same charm. I know it’s ridiculous to talk about charm when it comes to comparing Shark Attack 2 and Shark Attack 3, but since the other salient features are roughly the same (same pig-dog sharks growling, same “should we close the beach down?” plot) you really have to find something to distinguish them from each other. You’d think that the giant shark would be enough, but one of the failures of this film is that it doesn’t really establish the gross size of the shark until late in the game and even then it is neither consistent not effective. Any creature 60 feet long is a bit scary. Even a 60 foot beaver would scare the living crap out of people. But somehow we can never get a good sense of scale in this film.

Ben Carpenter, beach security.....John Barrowman (Captain Jack from Doctor Who & Torchwood)
Cataline Stone, a paleontologist.....Jennifer McShane (Shark Attack, U.S. Seals)
Chuck Rampart, an old navy man....Ryan Cutrona (The West Wing, Mad Men, 24)
Luis Ruiz, the man who runs Play del Rey resort.....Bashar Rahal (U.S. Seals, Sharks in Venice, 24, Conan the Barbarian)
Ruiz’s Girlfriend.....Petya Evtimova (2nd AD for this film as well as Raging Sharks, Hammerhead, Alien Hunter and 1st AD for Sharks in Venice, Mansquito and Conan the Barbarian)
Esai, beach security man......George Stanchev (Octopus, Alien Hunter)
Radio Tech.....Plamen Manasiev (U.S. Seals, Alien Apocalypse)
Sonar Chief....Krasimir Simeonov (U.S. Seals, Hammerhead)
Ramirez, a local stud....Ivo Tonchev (Mansquito, Raptor Island)
Sherry, a girl from Frisco....Rosi Chernogorova (Alien Apocalypse)
Hector, a helicopter pilot.....Plamen Zahov (Shark Zone, U.S. Seals II)
Wife, a wife of someone....Anya Pencheva (Anya is apparently a renowned Bulgarian actress, though you wouldn’t know it from this film)
Diver #1.....Dany Boy (The pipes are calling him.)
Security Guard Todd, a security guard....Bocho Vasilev (U.S. Seals)
Mr. Tolley, the man behind Apex Communications....Harry Aneachkin (Cyclops, Night Train, Mega Snake, Mansquito, Boa vs. Python, Alien Hunter, U.S. Seals, Octopus 2: River of Fear, Grendel)
Chimpy....Jordan Karadjov (How miserable is it to play a character named Chimpy? This is what I’d like to know.)
Davis....Nikolay Sotirov (Boogeyman 3, Hammerhead, Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys, Boa vs. Python, Dracula Rising)
Freidman...Atanas Srebrev (Lake Placid 3, Sharks in Venice, Monster Ark, Copperhead, Grendel, Hammerhead, Mansquito, Raging Sharks, Raptor Island, Boa vs. Python) This guy is like the glue that holds Bulgarian-American filmmaking together.
Paul....Miroslav Marinov
Harry....Velizar Peev (Hammerhead, Mansquito, Cyclops, Ninja) They call him Mister Peev. Scott....Atanas Georgiev (Yet another stuntman.)
Gina....Malina Georgieva (A stuntwoman.)
Shift Supervisor, a supervisor of shifts....Vencislav Kisyov (Soraya, Boris I, and he played Karl Marx in Bulgarian mini series about Karl Marx)
Bartendress.....Niki Nikova
Bartendress...Dessi Morales aka Desislava Nikolova-Morales (Night Train, Boa vs. Python, Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys, Harpies)
Diver Terrorists......Vladko Stoyanov
George Stoyanov (a sculptor)
Peter Petrov
George Rosen

Cinematography by David Worth

First off, this film shouldn’t be confused with another film that is just called Megalodon. I don’t know why it shouldn’t be confused with that one, but just try to keep them straight. Shark Attack 3: Megalodon is well-known (or at least moderately notorious) in some quarters because of a line that occurs late in the...ahem...film.

Cataline: I’m exhausted.
Ben: Yeah, me too...but...you know, I’m really wired. What do you say I take you home and eat your pussy?

It is worth noting that the line was an ad-lib by John Barrowman intended to make Jennifer McShane laugh. You can see him smirking before he says it and you can see her about to lose it just before we cut away to the obligatory shower sex scene. (Sadly, we never find out if he delivers on his initial offer or not.) It is also worth noting that David Worth and his editor obviously know comic gold when they hear it because they decided to keep this joke and use it in the final cut. (Not only that, but the scene tag for it on the DVD is titled “Cat Lover.” See, it has a triple meaning, because her name is Cat so Ben is a “Cat Lover” in more ways than one. I don’t know whether to laugh or cough up a furball at that.) It says a lot about their respect for the...ahem...script. In fact, if you really want to find yourself in a philosophical conundrum, try to debate which is worse: the writing or the execution. This may be the question for the ages.

While Shark Attack 2 took us to South Africa, this instalment is set on the Pacific Coast of Mexico, a place that is oddly enough inhabited mostly by Bulgarians because it must remind them of Bulgaria. Don’t get me wrong, I make fun of the Bulgarian location but I don’t really mean to denigrate scenic Bulgaria. As I noted in my reviews of the Bruce Campbell Bulgarian films the scenery there is quite striking and beautiful. I just wish Shark Attack 4 would take advantage of the Bulgarian location by acknowledging it in some fashion. (For all of the shark films shot in Bulgaria we really don’t have a Black Sea Shark Attack film out of it.) Then again, it is slightly insane at this point to wish for a Shark Attack 4.

The Terror Has Surfaced
Luckily, that terror is not Casper Van Dien.
As with many such films the cover art for this...ahem...gem of movie making is in many ways more interesting than the actual film. In this case, the cover shows a giant shark about to swallow a small submarine. If only they could actually just deliver on that visual image. The back cover for this film declares that it is “in the tradition of Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.” That’s a little bit like saying that Hotel for Dogs is in the tradition of Cujo and Old Yeller. Okay, that may be going too far. Maybe I just want people to be honest enough to say that Shark Attack 3 is in the “tradition” of Shark Attack and Shark Attack 2. But then, I can understand if you’d want to fire anyone who tried to use that as a sales pitch for your product.

Anyhow, this film is about corporate greed and scheming. It all starts with the laying of a new fiber optic cable. Unfortunately this cable seems to attract giant sharks from their hiding place in the deepest part of the Pacific. The center of evil greed is a corporation named Apex Communication which doesn’t care when its divers are killed while working on their cable. They are, of course, killed by a shark that has been possessed by the devil, which explains why the shark groans like Jabba the Hutt eating a peanut butter sandwich.

Fast forward to six months later and we are at the Playa Del Rey Resort in Colima, Mexico where they have conveniently put up a Mexican flag and a picture of Vicente Fox to let us know that we are definitely not in Bulgaria. This is where we meet Ben of the Playa Del Rey Security Patrol and his lothario buddy Ramirez who is looking to score with a girl from Frisco. (We’ll see much more of them later.) Then we get some topless Bulgarian girls frolicking with a beach ball and otherwise cavorting in the sand. This is to let us know what’s at stake. See, it’s not enough to let us know that a shark is on the loose. You have to let the audience know that this shark is threatening all of the most important accomplishments of Western Civilization, which are quite literally embodied in the form of those nubile women and their handsome man friends relaxing on the beach. Yes, sir. If the apex of humanity can’t take a day off to play tonsil hockey in Mexico without being eaten by sharks then the world will come to a standstill.

Meanwhile our working class proletariat hero Ben is looking to dive for some lobsters while patrolling the beach. This bit of private entrepreneurial activity represents an interesting conundrum of economic philosophy. Does Ben’s desire to use his patrol time to look for lobsters represent bold capitalist initiative, or is he cheating his boss Ruiz of productive activity by taking time from his “patrol” to do this?

Then there’s an old man trying to reel in a marlin while his fishing guide is trying to get some action from a young woman right behind him. This moderately humorous interlude is a set up for our shark to swoop in and eat most of the marlin so that all the old man is left with is the head. This is obviously a parody of The Old Man and the Sea.

So, Ben goes to pick up some lobster for dinner when he finds a shark tooth embedded in the high power cable that is being looked at by two Apex Communications divers. Ben goes home and looks for information about shark teeth on his laptop. When nothing pops up he takes a picture of the tooth with his digital camera. This picture is instantly uploaded (without a wire) and the image is cleaned up so that the tooth appears with a white background. That is some serious magical imagery tech in the hands of our proletarian hero. His image instantly arouses the interest of the paleontologist Cataline at the San Diego Natural History Museum. She has to go to Mexico to see what’s going on.

Ben then finds himself at a table with his boss Ruiz and Mr. Tolley of Apex Communications who is planning a big shindig to celebrate the opening of his Trans-Pacific Cable. Ruiz and Mr. Tolley are in cahoots and they expect Ben to do their bidding.

About now you’re probably feeling a bit anxious to see some serious shark action. That’s where Ben’s buddy Ramirez and his chippy from Frisco, Sherry come in. They’re frolicking on the beach when they decide to go...wait for it...skinny dipping. Well, actually it’s not so much skinny dipping as much as having sex in chest deep water, which I think isn’t really skinny dipping in the strictest sense of the word.

Sherry: Baby, don’t go so far out.
Ramirez: Por que? Sherry: We don’t know what’s out there.
Ramirez: Are you afraid that something is going to swim up and bite your culo?
Yes, that is precisely what she is afraid of, Ramirez. And she should be afraid of that, because that culo represents the apex of Western Civilization, after all.

Luckily for Ramirez, Sherry and the Western World, the shark in the water merely attacks and kills a seal. But then there’s a shot of a shark carcass floating on the surface and the next shot is of Ben looking at half a shark carcass which he identifies as a sand tiger shark. I’m guessing what happened was that this shark was bitten in half by the larger megalodon, but the combination of images is so confusing that they might as well have said that Lee Harvey Oswald shot the smaller shark.

Anyhow, enter the paleontologist dame. Cat and Ben flirt and he donates the tooth to her in the name of science. She graciously accepts the tooth and then secretly calls her people to send a film crew because she is now sure that she’s on the trail of a real live megalodon. Why, it’s more exciting than the discovery of the coelacanth!

Next thing you know we’re watching a scene of drunken nighttime revelry and a horny punk couple breaking into a waterpark so they can make out while going down a waterslide. The slide dumps them in the harbor right into the gaping maw of the grunting shark (if you play the soundtrack backward the shark is saying “Quint is dead.”).

Now, I say “gaping maw” because if this film had spent some money more wisely that would be an awesome shot, instead I should have said gaping heart of darkness since it’s just a bunch of dark water and the occasional sight of shark teeth. Granted, if I was in a dark harbor all it would take to scare the jeebus out of me would be the sight of a row of teeth. The more inexplicably creepy part of this scene is the random shot of a person of ill-defined gender (if it’s a guy, then it’s a guy who looks like Wanda Sykes) taking off a clown mask after obviously witnessing the waterslide couple’s demise. I’m not sure what the heck that was about.

Ben: It’s serious. We found a guy’s leg near a beach where he was playing frisbee with his dog.
Cat: Oh my god.
Threat Level Frisbee! Call out the Federales!

Ben: Cataline Stone, Paleontologist, San Diego Natural History Museum...so I guess this means you’re not a marine biologist after all. You lied to me? Why?
To be quite honest, I’m not sure why I lied to you other than because the screenwriters thought it would up the stakes of the conflict if I was keeping something from you and you had a reason to distrust me, while at the same time not making my secret be so bad as to make my character completely unsympathetic.

Cat: It’s like finding a tyrannosaurus rex in your backyard.
Ben: You know, Cat. I don’t see that as a good thing.

So, the next day Ben and Cat track the large shark and find it heading toward the resort where it eats a drunken boater and then pulls the line of a woman on a parasail, you know for dessert. Cat and Ben’s reaction shots during this sequence are priceless pieces of overreaction. On the bright side, Cat manages to save the parasailer woman’s necklace in the botched rescue moment, so at least there’s some material gain in the midst of tragedy. Now we get to the traditional “closing of the beaches” conflict scene. Ben wants the beach closed so that he can hunt the shark. Ruiz wants the beaches open.
Ruiz: People pay a lot of money to come down here and they expect to use everything including the beaches. Exactly what is entailed by “everything” in this statement? Does it include people?

Ben and Cat now team up with the old navy man Chuck Rampart who suspects something is rotten in Apex Communications.
Chuck: In the 80’s AT&T had problems with sharks biting through their fiber cables. Chuck finds out that there have been a string of deaths related to the Apex cables which are attracting sharks. He goes to confront Apex’s main man, but he is easily contained because of the power of corporate wealth. (And because security shows up to take him out of the building.) Mr. Tolley: My lawyers will have a field day with you. They are the real sharks.
If only this was followed by a scene of his lawyers swimming in an aquarium and tearing apart a seal.

In the water Cat’s cameramen are eaten in one gulp by a digitally enlarged shark and she and Ben are barely rescued from the gaping maw of the megalodon by Hector the helicopter pilot. Now Ben goes back to Ruiz to report that he’s got a 60 foot shark swimming along and consuming everything in sight. They’re going to need a bigger beach.

Ben, Cat and Chuck are now out to kill the shark with or without Ruiz’s blessing and outside assistance. Luckily, not only does Chuck have a small submarine, but he also snagged a Mk 44 torpedo he filched from his decommissioned navy sub. Lucky for us, Chuck Rampart wasn’t holding on to that torpedo for an act of terrorism, he was holding on to it for some patriotic shark killing.

And now we arrive at the moment of infamy. It’s the night before the big battle and Chuck heads off to get a good night of sleep, but Cat and Ben, while exhausted, surely, are also a little wired. So when Ben suggests some cunnilingus to relieve some of their tension Cat agrees and they proceed to go at it in the shower.

And then we’re off to kill the shark. Ben and Chuck head off in the submarine and Cat keeps tabs on them from the helicopter. Meanwhile Ruiz and Tolley get their giant boat under way for the big party. You have to hand it to the evil capitalists, they really do believe things will be okay for them. Ruiz, though, takes the precaution of bringing a bag of grenades with him, just in case they do have to deal with a shark. The self-destructive capacity of greedy capitalism is clearly portrayed by Tolley, whose reaction to Ruiz’s bag of grenades is “Good.” See, any person with an ounce of self-preservation would say, “why don’t we move the party to dry land?” And Ruiz’s girlfriend doesn’t budge an inch from his arm or even change her affected smile a bit while he totes a bag of grenades. Again, this would be the moment when a sane person would say “hey, maybe I shouldn’t be hanging out with a guy who brings a bag full of grenades on a party boat.”

Needless to say, the party boat gets attacked. A whole lifeboat is swallowed by the shark in one of the cheapest effects shots since the 1930s. Tolley tries to escape on a jetski but only ends up shooting himself right into the...well...the gaping maw...of the megalodon. There is some tense business with getting the torpedo to fire and finally Chuck and Ben have to leave the submarine in the clenched maw of the megalodon while the torpedo homes in on the sub and a nearly atomic explosion destroys the sub and the megalodon and causes a tremendous shock wave which luckily doesn’t kill anyone who wasn’t already dead from the shark attack.

But, in typical bad horror fashion we are barely allowed a moment of rest in the lifeboat on the surface before we get some ominious music and the camera submerges and then...credits roll. Really? Did we need the ominous thing? Why not just give us this one moment of victory? Sure, there are more monsters lurking in the deep. Whatever. Just stop with the ominous stuff. Let the movie end.

I guess in a way the ending there is a metaphor for the Shark Attack series itself. It just doesn’t know when to quit. And in another way, this film is a metaphor for shark films in general, which like the megalodon were thought to be extinct back in the days of Jaws the Revenge, but which have come back from the depths in ridiculous forms thanks to the new monster movie renaissance. And so, as bad as this film is...and it is very bad...it is part of a project that I find terribly amusing...the rebirth of monster movies. Shark Attack 3 is not the best of these movies, but there has to be some competition out there to give us things like Sharktopus. Now, if the Shark Attack gang ever gets Thorsten Kaye from Shark Attack 2 back for another film, then we’d have a serious bit of competition going on. Anyhow, I’d love to say more but I’m exhausted, and also really wired...